overcoming loss and discouragement

I have been surrounded by miscarriages my whole life. Many people close to me have had them and I always felt sorry for them, but I had no idea what they actually went through. I grossly underestimated the pain, grief, and despair that comes with a miscarriage. To understand that I had to go through it myself. 

One week ago today, while I was in Rome, I lost my sweet baby that I have grown to love so much these few months. I was far away from home in a country where I didn't speak the language or know anyone. I have never wanted to be home so badly.

I'm not going to lie, this is the hardest thing I have had to experience in my life thus far. I felt a strong connection to my baby. I have been excited to be a mom for as long as I can remember. I have day dreamed about it and now it was finally going to be a reality. I couldn't contain my excitement. 

I had some very spiritual experiences with this baby and when Cole gave me a blessing at the beginning of my pregnancy I felt like everything was going to work out. In my mind I thought that meant I wouldn't have a miscarriage. For a lot of my life I have assumed the worst and then been pleasantly surprised if the best happened. This was one of the first times in my life that I didn't do that. 

As I started spotting blood I still felt very hopeful that I wouldn't lose this baby. I felt at peace. But just before we went to bed the bleeding got worse and that was the first time I faced the reality that I could very likely lose this baby. I felt a depth of sorrow and loss I have never experienced before. 

I felt like Cole and I should watch a Mormon message and read some scriptures. As we did together we felt a very clear impression: God knows us. He understands our situation. And just because we have faith in miracles does not mean that the miracles we want will happen. I felt that in the eternal scheme of things, Cole and I learning this lesson would be something that would bring us closer to God. 

I remembered a quote from Elder Scott's talk Trust in the Lord. He said, "Your Father in Heaven and His Beloved Son love you perfectly. They would not require you to experience a moment more of difficulty than is absolutely needed for your personal benefit or for that of those you love."

I knew in my heart that this was true. If this was something that would be of no benefit to me I truly believe He would have stepped in and healed me. But I believe He allowed this to happen to draw us closer together and closer to Him. 

I also felt a very strong impression that angels would be with me to bear me up. He never leaves us alone. As I have been through this experience I can testify that angels have been all around. 

My first angel is my sweet husband Cole. He cried with me. He rubbed my feet as I tried to sleep. He did anything he could to make me comfortable and he made a lot of calls to make things happen. I could not have done this without his support. 

My mom was another angel and one of the most important. She cried with me as I told her of my pain and sorrow and worries. I felt her love from clear across the world. She made lots of calls and stayed up most of the night in order to help me and be there for me. I honestly don't know of any woman more selfless and kind. 

All of my family were angels. Diane, my mother-in-law, called a nurse for me and called us and expressed her sympathy, that meant the world to me. Genna, my sister-in-law called and gave me advice and most importantly just showed how much she cared. I've received prayers and texts from all of my family and I have felt power beyond my own because of their love and support. What a blessing to have family on both sides who are so supportive and truly angles in my life. 

Also my sister Michelle and her husband Kevin (they were on the trip with us.) They were amazing. This put a huge damper on the trip but I never sensed even an ounce of frustration. They got me food and supplies and my sister cleaned up all of the blood. She cleaned our room and made sure everything was perfect when we came home. Such a relief for me. 

One of the most miracles set of angels were the sweetest senior couple I have ever met. Cole found a contact number for the assistants here and they got us in touch with the mission nurse. She made special arrangements for me to see a doctor at an international hospital even though they are normally closed on Sunday. 

They drove there to meet us. Then this sweet woman I had never met before encircled me in her arms and cried with me. I felt the love of the Savior through her. Then they drove us around to get money from an ATM to pay for the doctor and drove us home. We literally wouldn't have been able to do it without them. They were a miracle. 

Then when we got home late Thursday night some of my best friends had gotten me flowers with a nice note and the perfect willow tree statue. It was called prayer of peace. I had been feeling during the rest of my trip that I wanted something to remember this baby by, but I wasn't sure what it should be. As soon as I saw that I knew it was perfect. It would always remind me of my baby, and not focus on the sadness of the loss but the power of the Atonement that I felt through the whole process. 

When we got back to our apartment the Gardners had gotten me three beautiful bouquets and put them around and left a sweet note. There are very few things I love more than flowers so this was perfect.

As I have been home there have been people continuing to be angels as they have reached out to comfort me. I have felt God's love for me so strongly. I wouldn't ever wish this upon anyone but I am really grateful for it. I know that sounds weird, but I am. I have felt God's love and the enabling power of the Atonement so acutely. 

I know that God is our loving Heavenly Father and that He knows me. I know that He sometimes allows us to go through hard things because it helps us to become like Him. I know that this is an inspired church and I felt the power and support of it through this as so many helped me. 

the love story: FROM DATING TO COURTSHIP

Yours Truly:
Regardless of my hesitancy to kiss on our first date and to be exclusive I still wanted to see him a lot. That same week we went on two other dates. I can't say that I have the best memory of what exactly we did on every date from here on out... I'm sure Cole can tell you, but I know that one of them was him coming to play games with my family. That was interesting... I could tell he felt super nervous and I definitely didn't want my family to think it was anything serious so we acted like good friends. We had a good time. My family liked him, but he was being his super shy version of himself.

Cole:
After our first date, I knew things were going to go uphill from there! Although I knew that she didn't really love our first kiss, I knew that she secretly LOVED it and that she still wanted to date. I knew this because she invited me to come up to her house that week and play games with her family! I was beyond terrified of her family at the beginning though. I wasn't quite sure how to act though... They all had so many inside jokes and stories, I just didn't know where to pipe in! So I kind of kept to myself and laughed when appropriate. I really loved meeting her family though. I got to see a fun side of Annie that I had never seen before.


Yours Truly:
Again, unlike typical girls I can be bad with remembering dates and details, but at this point I found myself having an inner battle. I knew that I liked Cole, but I liked other people too. I also felt bad because I was just making him wait on hold kind of while I figured things out. (He said he was asking other girls on dates, but I never saw evidence of that.) I met his family and I really liked them and they made me feel very welcome. (Including his adorable grandpa calling me Cole's "girlfriend"... I felt a bit awkward about that.) His family wasn't very good at hiding how much Cole liked me so I was getting more and more worried that I was going to hurt him, but what I didn't realize was that more and more I just wanted to be with Cole. Even though I was excited about other dates and boys I always found myself gravitating to Cole. I couldn't help but call him and hang out with him and go on dates. And I couldn't get over what a good person he is. He really made me want to be better.

Cole:
Yeah... I didn't really date a lot of other girls once Annie was home. I went on a few dates during the Summer when she was still on the mission, but once she got home, that was it! It was fun for her to meet my family though. She straightened her hair and wore a pretty green dress. When my family met her, they all looked at me and gave me the thumbs up. My mom whispered "she is beautiful!" Good times.

Yours Truly:
Then came the date of all dates. It was the turning point for me. It was a very simple date. It was his mom's birthday so we made a very delicious cake for her, ate it with his family, and watched a movie. I know it may not seem like anything special, but for me it was. It felt like a snapshot into what real life with Cole would be like. We were laughing, talking, baking, visiting with his family, etc. Through all of that I just felt completely comfortable and happy. I remember actually thinking on that date, "I think this is exactly what everyday life with Cole would be like, and I like it." I felt so happy. I knew then that I wanted to date him. I wanted to make sure that I didn't just feel this way on a whim or that it was just that night so I didn't tell him that I wanted to exclusively date just yet.

Cole:
My mom's birthday was a really special date for us. During the whole process up to this point, I was just hoping that Annie would want to keep dating me and eventually get to the point where she only liked me. As for me, however, apparently I wasn't the hardest to get. But let's be real, it's not that difficult to love Annie. Who can blame me? That date was a really fun and memorable, but to her, it was a game changer. That's when she fell in love with me! (She tells me now). It made me happy to know that I didn't need to do anything extravagant or spend a lot of money for her to like me. She liked me because I knew how to have a good time by just being myself!

Yours Truly:
The rest of that weekend was good and we had a great time. Then on Monday we went with his family to a play at the Hale Theater in Orem. I felt so happy. Again, a simple date but I knew. I knew that I wanted to date him exclusively. I didn't have any desire to go out with anyone else. I felt so happy and excited so I finally told him after the play that I wanted to date him and only him. He was just a little excited. ;)

Cole:
The two or three days following this date were life changing. Annie really started to warm up to me and express MUCH more interest in me. After the Hale Theater on Monday night, Annie told me how much our date the previous Friday had meant to her and that she just wanted to go on dates with me. Wahoo!!!! I was so happy. This was the end of the single life as I knew it. I mustered up the courage and I said, "Annie... I think I'm falling in love with you." and she said, "Yeah, I think I'm falling in love with you too, Cole." Life was bliss.

Yours Truly:
Not too long after that I knew that I wanted to marry him. I couldn't stop thinking about it. Then, we went to the temple rededication of the Ogden Temple together and the whole time I was there I felt the strongest impression that this was who I wanted to marry. I knew it. I felt that that was something God was pleased with too, but I waited to pray about it until that night. When I prayed and told Heavenly Father the decision I had made and asked if He thought it was a good idea. I felt the most clear impression I have ever felt that this was the right thing to do.

Cole:
So I know that God really trusts me and my decision making, so when I really prayed to know if Annie was a good choice, I felt calm and confident the whole time. I never had an overwhelming answer that she was the "right" one, but I always knew that Annie was an excellent choice. As time goes on and on, I'm realizing how excellent she really is.

my big, little brothers

I always knew that I had amazing little brothers, but I didn't fully realize just how blessed I am to have them until I came to college. I have now had several roommates tell me, after I told them something one of them has done for me, that their brothers would never do or say something like that for them... I was kind of blown away. But, it's made me observe them more closely and appreciate how incredibly good they are. So I thought I would pay them a little tribute today because really, they're great.

David William

Yes, he's a weirdy. But a loveable weirdy.

Dave and his unicycle.

• He's hilarious. He has all of these weird little phrases that, honestly, can be obnoxious but they're very endearing and soon enough you find yourself saying them too because they're dang catchy. ex: "YATAH", "This is my worst day!", "Aren't we all?", etc.

• He is an expert unicycler... weird, I know. He is all about getting into random things, but the cool thing is that he really does get into it. He is now a super good unicycler! He actually looks pretty legit while he's doing it too.

• He has excellent taste in clothing. David pretty much always looks good. He's a perfectionist and this shows in the way he dresses. Plus, he's always a good one to run an outfit by to get a boy's perspective. 

• He's always willing to talk to me on the phone, no matter what time of day or night. I have literally used and abused this... I get scared often and usually it's late at night so therefore I give Dave a call. He has talked me through some of my most ridiculous nighttime fears. I was also feeling really sick one morning (we're talking EARLY morning) and I couldn't get a hold of my parents so I called David. He talked to me even though I could tell he was really tired and it helped me calm down a lot (I was kind of freaking out because I hate throwing up... surprise, surprise.)

The term "little" just doesn't seem right now...

• He is very free with his complements. I can't even tell you how many times David has walked in the room and said something like, "wow Ann, you look good!" and then he goes beyond that and gives me details of why he thinks I look good so I know that it's genuine. 

• He talks me through my boy problems. I remember one time I was feeling really insecure about calling a boy that I was interested in, so of course I call David. Let me add that he was hanging out with his friends when I called and asked them all to be quite in the car so he could talk to me. Then he proceeded to listen to my illogical worryings and tell me that I shouldn't ever worry because I was beautiful and fun and any boy in his right mind would love to hang out with me. (I know, he's a little biased.)

• He is a spiritual powerhouse! He is very diligent about his scripture study and astounds me with his knowledge of things that seem way above what a 17 year old should understand.

Matthew Jerry

Yes Matty unicycles too.

• He has a very tender heart and a smile that heals. If you are having a bad day just tell Matty. He'll give you "the Matty look" and a big hug. It's impossible to not feel better after that.



Yeah he's not so little either.

• Matty is totally a ladies man. I'm one of those nosey sisters who always asks who he's texting and 9 times out of 10 it's a female. Figures. 

• Matty is selfless. He is always willing to do what no one wants to do, to sit where no one wants to sit, etc. 

• He is incredibly talented musically. He has a passion for music. Every time I come home he has a whole new list of songs to show me that he's found and I must say that he has good taste too. He's also the most fun to share new music with too. He shares your excitement which makes it all the more fun.

• He is SOO smart. It's kind of unreal. This boy knows so much and he is just good at school. It can be frustrating to have your little brother know more than you do sometimes.

• He knows tons of random facts and he spouts them off whenever they are relevant. I don't know where he gets these from, but he seems to remember everything he hears. 

• Matthew is an amazing runner. He has really stuck with cross country and it's impressive how well he does.

·Basically I have the best little brothers ever. Not to mention some of the best looking little brothers too. I'm so thankful for everything that they do for me and that they teach me through their examples. Love you Dave and Matty!

"He lives in you."

This past weekend I went to my Tanner family reunion. It was super fun! Tanner's are slightly insane, very intense and TONS of fun! There are also lots of us. My dad had 12 other siblings and most of them have good sized families themselves too. I don't know all of my Aunts, Uncles and cousins because of this but it's fun nonetheless. Tanner's are incredibly friendly and super easy to talk to. They also make you feel like you're worth a million bucks. Man they're great!
The theme for the reunion was "He lives in you." It comes from a song in the Broadway musical version of The Lion King. The basic message of the song is that people that die before us live on through us because we are like them in so many ways. I can't think of a better way to describe the Tanner family. My grandpa died many years ago and he was a character. All of his children and grandchildren, as far as I know, have bits of him in them. For part of the reunion we talked about memories and character traits of grandpa and it was crazy how many really do live on through his posterity.
My aunt that was in charge of the reunion asked me to sing "He lives in you" for the reunion. I was a bit hesitant and actually decided not to do it because the song was not good for my style or range of singing. When I got there I started feeling like I should for some reason though. So I did. I was pretty nervous. The Tanners are a talented bunch and I hadn't practiced as much as I would have liked. So right before I went up I said a quick prayer and asked for Heavenly Father's help. Then, I gave a little shout out to grandpa. I told him that I was doing this for him so I would really appreciate it if he would be with me.
I sang the song better than I could have ever hoped to on my own. I felt like the song was written for my voice. There have only been a few times in my musical career that I have felt that way. It's very different than singing. It's like the music is radiating from my entire body. It's one of the best feelings that I have ever experienced. I also could feel my grandpa's presence there. It was one of those times that the veil was very thin and it was a beautiful and bonding experience with my grandpa and my family. Thank heavens for music and it's ability to bring us closer to others, even those that have passed.

my parental units

     I know it’s late for mother’s day and it’s early for father’s day, but I wanted to give them both a shout out because I’ve been thinking about how much I love them lately. I love the relationship that I have with them. It’s much more like a friendship then what you think of as a normal parent-child relationship.  They’ve never been the type to tell me what I can and can’t do and I’ve never been grounded in my life (my mom doesn’t “believe” in it.) We have a relationship that is based on trust and respect, which makes it possible for us to be blunt with each other, while realizing that it is all out of love. My parents never get mad if I tell them that I think they’re wrong and they’ve never used “because I’m the parent and you’re the child” as a reason for anything they ask me to do. We all respect each other’s opinions even though we don’t always agree.  I’ve taken a few classes that we talked about good and bad parenting while I’ve been at BYU and I have been amazed that I have had basically perfect parents, not that they’re perfect people. I lived with them long enough to know their strengths and their weaknesses, but what makes them nearly perfect is that they are willing to admit that they might be doing things wrong and work their best to change that. They have set the bar high for me as a parent someday, no pressure…

Momma:

     I love my mom with all of my heart. She and I have always been close. She is my rock. She’s the person that I can tell everything and she won’t judge me. She is so logical. Just the other day I called her and the first thing I said was, “Mom I just need to vent. I know I’m not supposed to, but I just need to today so can you just listen for a minute?” Of course she said that she would and she let me go on and on about all of the dumb little things that were either stressing me out or making mad. She validated my feelings by telling me that she understood why I felt that way, but then she helped me see the logical side and made me feel much better. She believes in me even when it feels like no one else does. She tells me that I look beautiful even when I clearly don’t and not because she’s lying, but because she loves me so much that she sees me through a much more Christ like lens than I or anyone else does.

     I love all of my mom’s weird quirks. She’s literally INSANE sometimes and I love it! I don’t think people would guess that she’s as weird as she is when they don’t know her very well, but she is. For instance, one of my favorite memories with my mom is when we were sitting on the deck of my cabin and she starting shoving popcorn down my shirt and up my nose and then laughing her head off. I love that we have that kind of relationship. We can be crazy and out of control, but then there are the times that I would come into her bedroom at ridiculous hours of the night sobbing and she would just hold me and cry right along with me. She’s amazing and not to mention she’s beautiful!

Papanwa:

     

      I love my dad a whole heck of a lot. He’s one of the hardest working and faithful people that I know. He is the definition of having your head on straight. He is the type of person that will do anything for anyone. He basically never sleeps at night because he’s always busy doing good things. He has always had a really busy job and most of my life was either Bishop or Stake President and he made it work. He can get more done in a day than anyone else I know. It’s amazing how efficient he can be. And even though he’s busy he takes time for the little things that matter. He has set a very high bar for whoever I end up marrying someday because he treats my mom like a queen. He also has always taken time out of his busy schedule for his children. He was always to everything that he could be. I could tell that our family came first for him. No matter how much work he has, he will always take time to do whatever we need. He also has been an incredible example of a worthy priesthood holder. He has literally given me blessings at any time of day or night. Not to brag or anything but he’s kind of a superstar.

     I have been so blessed with incredible people in my life all over the place, but they are definitely two of the biggest blessings. I love them so much and I think part of that is because they’re the ones that taught me how to love by the way they've loved me.