soul stretching days

Faith. It's the first principle of the gospel. Should be pretty basic, right? Nope. At least sometimes it isn't for me. The important thing to remember is that faith is really nothing unless you finish the phrase from the 4th Article of Faith. It's faith in the Lord Jesus Christ. That's what really matters. I sometimes I struggle with that.

Sometimes I want to have faith in the outcomes that have been promised to me by God, but that is the wrong thing to have faith in. Often times, I interpret the things God has promised me to be one thing, but they really end up being something completely different and ALWAYS BETTER. Turns out He really does know better than me. I don't know why I sometimes still struggle with that. The important thing is to have Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ and THEN the promised outcomes will fall into place. Not the other way around.

The past several months have been quite the roller coaster for me. Especially, the last week or so. I'm going on a mission, and I'm SUPER excited about it. I leave March 13. Leaving in March presents some interesting problems. The first of them is that I can't go to school because the semester ends in April. I was going to deal with this by just going to the first block of classes and take one class and then I would be able to keep working my BYU job. Well I found out last week that they changed the rules and you have to take six credits to work... that means I would end up paying more than I would make. Obviously, I am no longer going to do this. This was devastating for me. I need money. I need something to do. It seemed like the perfect solution, but obviously not. The Lord knows better. He understands my life much better than I do. So yet again, I need to trust Him.

Honestly, even if I died tomorrow I would be better off for making the decision to go on a mission. It has forced me to accept that God really does know better than me. I am doing what He has asked of me and so this experience is going to be for my benefit. That does NOT mean that everything will work out how I want it, but it does mean that it will all work out for my own good.

Finals. Need I say more? I switched my major to Business last year about this time.. Business is amazing and I love it, but it's hard. At least it is for me. This semester I took two of the hardest classes for business, or so I hear. I have worked my tail off in both of them. I did pretty badly in both of them as well. So frustrating. When I decided that I needed to change my major I prayed like crazy because I honestly didn't think I was capable of doing something that challenging. I made my decision, but I was still nervous.

That's when I read John 14:27, "Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid."

I felt very strongly when I read that scripture that it applied to my situation. I felt peace about changing my major, not because it made any sense like the world would think. I changed because I knew it was the better path for me. I was feeling peace because I can do anything with the grace that is provided to me through my Savior. When I felt this at the time I thought this would mean I would be blessed to be able to do well in my business classes if I put in my part. That has not always been the case.

I have been extremely blessed with my schooling, but I have struggled too. I put in 17 hours of studying for my Accounting final. So naturally, I thought I should do well. Nope. I bombed it. It's the lowest test score I've gotten at BYU and it's the test I studied the most for. You may think I'm exaggerating how bad my score was. Nope! It was bad. So bad that I'm too ashamed to post it...

I honestly, had some doubt there for a minute. I doubted God's plan for me. Why in the world did I feel peaceful about business if I was just going to fail?! True, I don't know that this one test score will make me not be able to get into the Marriott school, but it sure feels like it. I believe that for some reason or another God really needs my faith to increase. I need to have Faith in His son, Jesus Christ and the enabling power of His Atonement. This experience has just given me more reason to have to rely on that faith instead of faith in the promised outcome of being successful in my major, which is what I was promised in a blessing. Now, I know even more fully that I can't do this alone. The only way that I will be able to get into the Marriott school will be because that's what is right. And who knows? Maybe this is just supposed to take me down a path to something else. I have no clue, and that's OK. I'm not supposed to know the end. That's the whole point of having faith.

This past week has been a hard one, but I have been blessed to be able to feel my soul stretching. Faith is like a muscle in that way: the more we stretch and exercise it, the stronger it gets. Even though it's been hard, I'm thankful for these soul stretching days. They hurt in the moment, but as my mom so wisely put it, "the most important thing in our lives to accomplish is to move down the path towards salvation." That's what these days do. I'll take a bad test score and ruined plans if that's what I'm getting from it. Bring on the soul stretching! (Although, I wouldn't mind having a little break for the moment. ha!)

"an even greater yes"

I have recently been struggling with the perplexing matter of personal revelation. How am I supposed to know if it's God or just my thoughts? What if I'm interpreting my answer wrong? What if the answer I'm receiving feels like it's in complete objection to feelings of my heart? That last question is the one that has been plaguing me more than all the others. How am I supposed to follow the promptings I have received when they are in direct opposition to what my heart is wanting? The answer is that I can't do it. Not on my own, at least. I'm not even supposed to try to do this on my own. In thinking about this I read a talk by Elder Scott given in the most recent General Conference. One of my favorite quotes from that talk is this,

"Our Heavenly Father has not put us on earth to fail but to succeed gloriously. It may seem paradoxical, but that is why recognizing answers to prayer can sometimes be very difficult. Sometimes we unwisely try to face life by depending on our own experience and capacity. It is much wiser for us to seek through prayer and divine inspiration to know what to do. Our obedience assures that when required, we can qualify for divine power to accomplish an inspired objective."

I have learned just how true this is. I have decided to go against what my own selfish desires are and follow what the Lord has very clearly told me I have felt that extra strength. I know that I couldn't do this on my own, but with the Lord's help I am able to accomplish it because it is what He wants. And ultimately what He wants for me is really what I want for me.

Now that I have chosen this I have literally had help falling into my lap from every direction. It seems like every talk I stumble upon, every class I go to, and devotional I listen to was meant just for me. It was exactly what I needed to hear to sustain me. I have also had so many inspired family members and friends give me council that I dearly needed. One of the things that fell into my lap is a quote by Sister Holland in one of her opening devotionals at BYU.

"Sometimes in our sowing andreaping and sifting, it may seem that God say “no” or “not now” or “I don’tthink so” when what we want for him to say—what we wish our tapestry to receive—isan affirmative “yes” or “certainly, right now” or “of course it can be yours.”I want you to know that in my life when I have had disappointments and delays,I have lived to see that if I continue to knock with unshakable faith andpersist in my patience—waiting upon the Lord and his calendar—I have discoveredthat the Lord’s “no’s” are merely preludes to an even greater “yes.” I havelearned in the twenty-five years since I was your age that the very delays and denialswe worry about most, the very differences from each other that trouble ourself-esteem, are the differences and delays that are the very best for ourhappiness and fulfillment"

This is now one of my favorite quotes of all time. It is one of the main things that keeps me going even when my heart is trying to pull me in a completely different direction. A lot of power comes in knowing that if God is telling us no than all we have to look forward to is something even better. Yes, it's still hard, but having the help of the Lord makes the load a heck of a lot lighter.

"the hard is what makes it great."

http://kikicomin.com/

School is all about your attitude. If you expect to be miserable in a class you will be. If you expect to love a class you will. If you expect to get a bad grade you will. If you expect to do well you will. Obviously more goes into than just thinking, “oh I think I’ll get an A in that class…” You have to be willing to put forth the work because being successful will always require some amount of work. The trick is to want to do that work. The way to do that is your attitude. If you decide that you are going to love something and that you really do want to understand that subject on a deeper level then it won't seem like such a burden when you do all of your reading and homework. It can even become FUN, believe it or not. During the worst parts of classes you can see a bright side to it and it makes it much less unpleasant. For instance, I'm taking a business writing class and the whole first month is grammar... BLEH! I have always hated grammar. It doesn't come naturally to me at all. (But really who DOES it come naturally to, there are exceptions for EVERY rule!!! So confusing....) I started thinking about how horrible it was going to be, but then I remembered how that always makes things worse. So, I told myself all of the advantages of learning grammar. Like on my blog here, I could actually use correct grammar instead of just writing it the way I thought looked best. Once I started thinking of it that way I actually felt a little excited for grammar. 

If there is one thing I've learned, it's that knowledge is empowering. Any knowledge you can get is useful, if only for something good to talk about or being able to relate to more people. My grammar unit will actually empower me to be a more effective and powerful writer. (You can't deny that's empowering.) 

I was watching "A League of Their Own" the other day and this line really stuck out to me and I think it fits perfectly in with school and anything else in life that is hard. "It's supposed to be hard. If it wasn't hard then everyone would do it. The hard is what makes it great." School is hard. Heck! Life is hard, but that's what makes it great. There something about accomplishing hard things that brings incredible joy and satisfaction. When I heard this quote it made me think of all of my greatest moments and accomplishments, and I realized that they all came from something that was hard. The hard really is what makes it great and if we remember that then our attitudes will change towards hard things and then you can enjoy them even throughout the hard. 

my big, little brothers

I always knew that I had amazing little brothers, but I didn't fully realize just how blessed I am to have them until I came to college. I have now had several roommates tell me, after I told them something one of them has done for me, that their brothers would never do or say something like that for them... I was kind of blown away. But, it's made me observe them more closely and appreciate how incredibly good they are. So I thought I would pay them a little tribute today because really, they're great.

David William

Yes, he's a weirdy. But a loveable weirdy.

Dave and his unicycle.

• He's hilarious. He has all of these weird little phrases that, honestly, can be obnoxious but they're very endearing and soon enough you find yourself saying them too because they're dang catchy. ex: "YATAH", "This is my worst day!", "Aren't we all?", etc.

• He is an expert unicycler... weird, I know. He is all about getting into random things, but the cool thing is that he really does get into it. He is now a super good unicycler! He actually looks pretty legit while he's doing it too.

• He has excellent taste in clothing. David pretty much always looks good. He's a perfectionist and this shows in the way he dresses. Plus, he's always a good one to run an outfit by to get a boy's perspective. 

• He's always willing to talk to me on the phone, no matter what time of day or night. I have literally used and abused this... I get scared often and usually it's late at night so therefore I give Dave a call. He has talked me through some of my most ridiculous nighttime fears. I was also feeling really sick one morning (we're talking EARLY morning) and I couldn't get a hold of my parents so I called David. He talked to me even though I could tell he was really tired and it helped me calm down a lot (I was kind of freaking out because I hate throwing up... surprise, surprise.)

The term "little" just doesn't seem right now...

• He is very free with his complements. I can't even tell you how many times David has walked in the room and said something like, "wow Ann, you look good!" and then he goes beyond that and gives me details of why he thinks I look good so I know that it's genuine. 

• He talks me through my boy problems. I remember one time I was feeling really insecure about calling a boy that I was interested in, so of course I call David. Let me add that he was hanging out with his friends when I called and asked them all to be quite in the car so he could talk to me. Then he proceeded to listen to my illogical worryings and tell me that I shouldn't ever worry because I was beautiful and fun and any boy in his right mind would love to hang out with me. (I know, he's a little biased.)

• He is a spiritual powerhouse! He is very diligent about his scripture study and astounds me with his knowledge of things that seem way above what a 17 year old should understand.

Matthew Jerry

Yes Matty unicycles too.

• He has a very tender heart and a smile that heals. If you are having a bad day just tell Matty. He'll give you "the Matty look" and a big hug. It's impossible to not feel better after that.



Yeah he's not so little either.

• Matty is totally a ladies man. I'm one of those nosey sisters who always asks who he's texting and 9 times out of 10 it's a female. Figures. 

• Matty is selfless. He is always willing to do what no one wants to do, to sit where no one wants to sit, etc. 

• He is incredibly talented musically. He has a passion for music. Every time I come home he has a whole new list of songs to show me that he's found and I must say that he has good taste too. He's also the most fun to share new music with too. He shares your excitement which makes it all the more fun.

• He is SOO smart. It's kind of unreal. This boy knows so much and he is just good at school. It can be frustrating to have your little brother know more than you do sometimes.

• He knows tons of random facts and he spouts them off whenever they are relevant. I don't know where he gets these from, but he seems to remember everything he hears. 

• Matthew is an amazing runner. He has really stuck with cross country and it's impressive how well he does.

·Basically I have the best little brothers ever. Not to mention some of the best looking little brothers too. I'm so thankful for everything that they do for me and that they teach me through their examples. Love you Dave and Matty!

the Lord provides a way

Turns out that I really don't enjoy making decisions... at all. But who does? I recently had to make a decision that was challenging because what I wanted was not what the Lord wanted.I had some fairly strong confirmations throughout the whole process, which was important because I don't think I could have done it without that. One of the confirmations was in the form of a talk that my inspired father told me to read. It addressed literally every doubt I'd been having. The talk was  "Cast Not Away Therefore Your Confidence" given by Elder Holland in a BYU devotional. One of my problems was that I kept thinking that maybe I was mistaken about what I had felt. Elder Holland puts it perfectly.

 "Don't panic and retreat. Don't lose your confidence. Don't forget how you once felt. Don't distrust the experience you had... If it was right when you prayed about it and trusted it and lived for it. It is right now. Don't give up when the pressure mounts."

Another thing that was hard for me was that I knew that all parties involved would initially be unhappy because of this decision. I didn't know how I was going to cope. But Elder Holland answered that question too. 

"...along with the illuminating revelation that points us toward a righteous purpose or duty, God will also provide the means and power to achieve that purpose. Trust in that eternal truth. If God has told you something is right, if something is indeed true for you, he will provide the way for you to accomplish it. 'Therefore let not your hearts faint... Mine angel shall go before you... and also my presence, and in time ye shall possess the goodly land' [D&C 103:17-20]What goodly land? Your goodly land. Your promised land. Your New Jerusalem. Your own little acre flowing with milk and honey. Your future. Your dreams. Your destiny." 

When I read this I knew that, not only, would God give me the strength to do what I needed to do, but he would fill the void it left in my life. I have already felt that promise being fulfilled. I had the strength to do what I had to and then the Lord provided a way to help me fill that void. He sent His angels to help me through it. It started with a best friend who chatted with me the whole time I was at work, which helped me keep my mind off of it. Then, when I was sitting in my apartment, all alone, one of my friends just stopped by to chat. I'm thankful for that inspired friend for following the Lord's prompting and helping me not to suffocate in loneliness in my apartment by myself. Lastly, some of my good friends from high school, that I don't often hang out with, invited me to hang out with them. I am grateful that the Lord really does provide a way and that He compensates for the losses we face for following what He asks of us.
I am thankful that during our hard times that He does provide us with angels in our midst. I feel that acutely. I know that someday the Lord will provide me with my own goodly land. It will be more than I can imagine or comprehend now, but it will come. This small set back will only bring me closer to that goodly land and will make it seem that much sweeter.

"He lives in you."

This past weekend I went to my Tanner family reunion. It was super fun! Tanner's are slightly insane, very intense and TONS of fun! There are also lots of us. My dad had 12 other siblings and most of them have good sized families themselves too. I don't know all of my Aunts, Uncles and cousins because of this but it's fun nonetheless. Tanner's are incredibly friendly and super easy to talk to. They also make you feel like you're worth a million bucks. Man they're great!
The theme for the reunion was "He lives in you." It comes from a song in the Broadway musical version of The Lion King. The basic message of the song is that people that die before us live on through us because we are like them in so many ways. I can't think of a better way to describe the Tanner family. My grandpa died many years ago and he was a character. All of his children and grandchildren, as far as I know, have bits of him in them. For part of the reunion we talked about memories and character traits of grandpa and it was crazy how many really do live on through his posterity.
My aunt that was in charge of the reunion asked me to sing "He lives in you" for the reunion. I was a bit hesitant and actually decided not to do it because the song was not good for my style or range of singing. When I got there I started feeling like I should for some reason though. So I did. I was pretty nervous. The Tanners are a talented bunch and I hadn't practiced as much as I would have liked. So right before I went up I said a quick prayer and asked for Heavenly Father's help. Then, I gave a little shout out to grandpa. I told him that I was doing this for him so I would really appreciate it if he would be with me.
I sang the song better than I could have ever hoped to on my own. I felt like the song was written for my voice. There have only been a few times in my musical career that I have felt that way. It's very different than singing. It's like the music is radiating from my entire body. It's one of the best feelings that I have ever experienced. I also could feel my grandpa's presence there. It was one of those times that the veil was very thin and it was a beautiful and bonding experience with my grandpa and my family. Thank heavens for music and it's ability to bring us closer to others, even those that have passed.

the happiness advantage

Choosing happiness is something that I have been working on and learning about for several years now. It's an empowering concept. I taught a workshop last night for Relief Society on emotional wellness that gave me the opportunity to think about it again. I thought I would share some of the things I learned.

First of all the talk that they gave me to use for my workshop was amazing! I can't believe I had never read it before. It's called, "Happiness, Your Heritage" by President Uchtdorf. Read it. He says that he believes that God has the greatest form of happiness and because we are His children we have it within us to be able to find the same kind of happiness. We may not be able to get there all the way in this life, but we can start coming closer to it. He suggests that there are two main ways that God feels happiness; through the work of creation and through being compassionate. 

CREATION: When I first read that I thought to myself, "Well dang, I can't create. I don't have artistic or crafty abilities..." but President Uchtdorf gives a definition of creation that is much more do-able for those of us who may not be artistically inclined. He says, "Creation means bringing into existence something that did not exist before-colorful gardens, harmonious homes, family memories, flowing laughter." That seems much more do-able for someone like me with none of the normal creative skills. Then for all you perfectionists out there he says, "What you create doesn't have to be perfect. So what if the eggs are greasy or the toast is burned? Don't let the fear of failure discourage you. Don't let the voice of critics paralyze you-whether that comes from the outside or the inside. If you still feel incapable of creating, start small. Try to see how many smiles you can create, write a letter of appreciation, learn a new skill, identify a space and beautify it." Everyone can create smiles. It doesn't matter if your creating a masterpiece or a smile. They both will make you happy and others around you happy.

My final design.

This Spring term I took a Floral Design class. I had no previous training or knowledge about flowers, but as I learned and created these designs it was very pleasing. At first, I was frustrated because I kept failing. Nothing turned out the way I wanted it to and to top it off the designs of the boy who I took it with always turned out better than mine, but I was still enjoying it because, regardless of how it turned out, it was still pleasing to learn a new skill that I knew I could continue to improve. I stuck it out and I'm glad I did because I learned a lot and my last design turned out great... well I feel like it did.
He finishes off by saying, "The more you trust and rely upon the spirit, the greater your capacity to create. That is your opportunity in this life and your destiny in the life to come. Sisters, trust and rely on the Spirit. As you take the normal opportunities of your daily life and create something of beauty and helpfulness, you improve not only the world around you but also the world within you."
BEING COMPASSIONATE: I felt liking being compassionate was a little more understandable, but when you're not feeling happy it can be really hard to feel compassionate. President Lorenzo Snow gives a good formula for getting past this..."When you find yourselves a little gloomy, look around you and find somebody that is in a worse plight than yourself; go to him and find out what the trouble is, then try to remove it with the wisdom which the Lord bestows upon you; and the first thing you know, your gloom is gone, you feel light, the Spirit of the Lord is upon you, and everything seems illuminated." Feeling depressed is a selfish feeling. I'm not saying that this makes you a bad person for feeling that way. Everyone does and for some people it's not something that they can control as well as others. What I'm trying to say is that if we are feeling down we need to look outside of ourselves. Spread positive energy to others and that will help you push out the negative selfish energy inside of you. To sum it up... "In the end, the number of prayers we say may contribute to our happiness, but the number of prayers we answer may be of even greater importance. Let us open our eyes and see the heavy hearts, notice the loneliness and despair; let us feel the silent prayers of others around us, and let us be an instrument in the hands of the Lord to answer those prayers.
Going along with what President Uchtdorf said is a video that my brother-in-law emailed to me. Watch it. It's pretty short and the guy is hilarious. The main point of the video is this, "It's not our reality that shapes us, but the lens through which we view the world that shapes our reality. If we can change the lens, not only can we change our happiness, but we can change the outcome as well." He discusses what people's formula for success is. Work harder to be more successful and then you'll be happy. The problem with this formula is that you can never really be happy because you keep redefining what "success" is. Once you get into the school you want then you have to get good grades and then you have to get a good job and so on and so forth. This formula will never bring you lasting happiness. What he suggests is that we reverse this formula. We need to be happy now and then we will be more successful. It has be proven time and time again in studies. When you are positive dopamine is released into your brain, not only making you happier, but it also turns on all the learning centers in your brain. Therefore, making you more successful! That is an empowering concept. So how can we become more positive? Well through the things the President Uchtdorf said and then Shawn gives a suggestion of doing at least one of five things for 21 days to make it a habit. Here's the list:
1: Record 3 things you are grateful for.
2: Journal about a positive experience you had each day.
3: Exercise.
4: Meditate, breathe deeply and clear your mind of thoughts for at least 5 minutes.
5: Do a random act of kindness. (As simple as a text, complement, smile, or email.)
As you do these thing you will be happier and have the happiness advantage because it's happiness that brings us an advantage not our advantages that bring us happiness.
One last quote from the talk, and I really feel that this is the key to it all, "I believe that as you immerse yourselves in the work of our Father-as you create beauty and as you are compassionate to others-God will encircle you in the arms of His love. Discouragement, inadequacy, and weariness will give way to a life of meaning, grace and fulfillment... happiness is your heritage."

my parental units

     I know it’s late for mother’s day and it’s early for father’s day, but I wanted to give them both a shout out because I’ve been thinking about how much I love them lately. I love the relationship that I have with them. It’s much more like a friendship then what you think of as a normal parent-child relationship.  They’ve never been the type to tell me what I can and can’t do and I’ve never been grounded in my life (my mom doesn’t “believe” in it.) We have a relationship that is based on trust and respect, which makes it possible for us to be blunt with each other, while realizing that it is all out of love. My parents never get mad if I tell them that I think they’re wrong and they’ve never used “because I’m the parent and you’re the child” as a reason for anything they ask me to do. We all respect each other’s opinions even though we don’t always agree.  I’ve taken a few classes that we talked about good and bad parenting while I’ve been at BYU and I have been amazed that I have had basically perfect parents, not that they’re perfect people. I lived with them long enough to know their strengths and their weaknesses, but what makes them nearly perfect is that they are willing to admit that they might be doing things wrong and work their best to change that. They have set the bar high for me as a parent someday, no pressure…

Momma:

     I love my mom with all of my heart. She and I have always been close. She is my rock. She’s the person that I can tell everything and she won’t judge me. She is so logical. Just the other day I called her and the first thing I said was, “Mom I just need to vent. I know I’m not supposed to, but I just need to today so can you just listen for a minute?” Of course she said that she would and she let me go on and on about all of the dumb little things that were either stressing me out or making mad. She validated my feelings by telling me that she understood why I felt that way, but then she helped me see the logical side and made me feel much better. She believes in me even when it feels like no one else does. She tells me that I look beautiful even when I clearly don’t and not because she’s lying, but because she loves me so much that she sees me through a much more Christ like lens than I or anyone else does.

     I love all of my mom’s weird quirks. She’s literally INSANE sometimes and I love it! I don’t think people would guess that she’s as weird as she is when they don’t know her very well, but she is. For instance, one of my favorite memories with my mom is when we were sitting on the deck of my cabin and she starting shoving popcorn down my shirt and up my nose and then laughing her head off. I love that we have that kind of relationship. We can be crazy and out of control, but then there are the times that I would come into her bedroom at ridiculous hours of the night sobbing and she would just hold me and cry right along with me. She’s amazing and not to mention she’s beautiful!

Papanwa:

     

      I love my dad a whole heck of a lot. He’s one of the hardest working and faithful people that I know. He is the definition of having your head on straight. He is the type of person that will do anything for anyone. He basically never sleeps at night because he’s always busy doing good things. He has always had a really busy job and most of my life was either Bishop or Stake President and he made it work. He can get more done in a day than anyone else I know. It’s amazing how efficient he can be. And even though he’s busy he takes time for the little things that matter. He has set a very high bar for whoever I end up marrying someday because he treats my mom like a queen. He also has always taken time out of his busy schedule for his children. He was always to everything that he could be. I could tell that our family came first for him. No matter how much work he has, he will always take time to do whatever we need. He also has been an incredible example of a worthy priesthood holder. He has literally given me blessings at any time of day or night. Not to brag or anything but he’s kind of a superstar.

     I have been so blessed with incredible people in my life all over the place, but they are definitely two of the biggest blessings. I love them so much and I think part of that is because they’re the ones that taught me how to love by the way they've loved me. 

"my cup runneth over"

I don't know how many people have seen "Facing the Giants" but it's a very cheesy movie with an incredible message. It's one of my mom's favorites. When the main character feels that he has been given so much as the end he says, "I feel so overwhelmed!" It's a little bit comical, but I really can't think of a better way to describe how I have felt recently. I have been flooded with miracles and blessings. Here are some of the highlights:

• First of all my older brother Alan got a job and an apartment for his cute family, which was a huge blessing. 
• On Monday I was able to enjoy my last day of break before school with some of my fam and friends. Kevin, Michelle and I went on a walk by a river and then Kevin and I got in because it was so hot.

It was FREEZING!

 

 

• Tuesday I started classes for spring and I fell in love with my floral design class and actually didn't mind Econ. 



Lee Daken McGuire

• On Wednesday was the best part of all. I got a new nephew! It was Michelle and Kevin's first child and that in and of itself was a miracle. They had waited a long time to be able to have a baby at all and Kevin was supposed to be moving to Colorado for a summer internship before his actual due date. We have all been praying that, if he was healthy enough, he could be born early enough so Kevin could be here. Her due date was May 21st and he came on the 25th of April and was very healthy and EXTREMELY cute. 
• That same day I also found out that I received a half tuition scholarship for academics from BYU which was a huge blessing because I have worked really hard to get good enough grades so that I could get one I didn't think I had made it. 






• Because of all of the excitement on Wednesday I didn't have a lot of time to do my Econ and I didn't have very much sleep in me so I had a minor breakdown. One of my good friends asked me the next day how I was doing and I told him about it. Then when I got home I there were flowers for me. I seriously have the best friends!
• On Friday I was supposed to be helping my brother move and we weren't going to have a lot of help. Then I asked some of my guy friends in the ward and they all were willing to help. It made the work much more fun and much faster. 
• Also my incredible roommate left me a note and ice cream. 
• I also got to talk to two of my best friends this week: Ashlena and Cami. I love talking to them, it always brightens my day. 

 

 
It has been a great week full of more blessings than I thought was possible. It is amazing to be able to feel so much love at one time. It makes the whole world brighter. "my cup runneth over" with love and gratitude for the wonderful people in my life that make weeks like this happen.
 

rappelling into the depths of the Atonement

     I have a lot of fears. I always have. One of my biggest fears is heights. I seriously can't handle them... at all. Because of this fear there are a lot of things that are difficult for me to want to even try. So, when my roomies started planning a rappelling trip in Moab I wasn't even considering it. Then I started thinking about how I would be home alone if I didn't go and I would miss out on good memories. I decided I would try rappelling first and then see how I was feeling. I tried it with my brother-in-law, Kevin, and it kind of freaked me out. I told my roommates that I couldn't go because I was too weak sauce and was planning on leaving it at that. Then they kept asking me to please just try it one more time and see. I decided to try again the next day and as I prayed that night I asked Heavenly Father to please give me the strength and courage to overcome my fear enough to be able to do this. I went the next day and I was completely fine. I was really confused by this because of how I had been just the day before, then it hit me. Heavenly Father had given me the strength and courage to do it.
     I went on the trip and was extremely fun. We went through a beautiful canyon and we were able to experience nature in a way that you can't any other way. There were some really scary parts along the way. Each of us had our own times that we had minor breakdowns and were really scared, but we made it through. I had expected that I would have a good time, but what I didn't expect was how my testimony of the enabling power would grow in a way I didn't think was possible. As we were rappelling down this beautiful canyon I was nervous and I said a LOT of prayers. On the first rappel I felt fine even though it was 130ish feet down and I knew that that calm was from God.

Sam and I at the first rappel.

     Then we got to the second rappel. It didn't look bad at all. It wasn't very high but then we saw the anchor and it didn't look super strong, but Nathan said it would be fine and went down just fine. Then it was my turn. First of all, it was kind of a freaky start for me, but I got past that. Then when I was part way down the first ledge the anchor slide forward. It didn't slide all the way or let me fall, but let me tell you, it was SO SCARY. I literally can't think of a time that I have ever been more scared. I couldn't go back up so I prayed the whole way down and I made it down fine. Then, we had to worry about Becca and Sam down safely. Becca came down ok, but then Sam came and she was carrying a heavy backpack so I was really nervous about her coming down safely. Becca and I were at the bottom watching and we could tell she was really nervous, understandably so, so I said a prayer. Instantly I felt an incredible sense of peace flood over me. I knew Sam would make it down fine. She did and we were all relieved to be done with that one.

Becca coming down the second tier on the second rappel.

     Then we had to search for a way down and we did one last rappel, which was only nerve racking because we were already kind of on edge from the other one. We all ended up making it out of the canyon just fine and having had a good time. I felt a huge sense of accomplishment. I had done something that I thought I would never be able to do because of my fear of heights. It was an incredible feeling. Then I got to church and I had forgotten that it was Easter Sunday. As I sat through sacrament meeting I couldn't help but cry a little bit through the whole thing. I realized as I sat listening to beautiful music and inspired words of speakers that my experience was directly related to the Atonement of Jesus Christ and that it was truly through his enabling power that I was able to get through it. I know it might sound odd saying that you need the Atonement to go rappelling through a canyon, but I really did. I couldn't have done it on my own. My Bishop quoted Elder Holland's talk when he told us that because the Savior was completely alone we never have to be. Sometimes that is fulfilled by people literally being with us. That was most certainly true for this trip. Nathan was the only reason I was able to make it through that canyon without loosing my head completely. He basically pulled all of us up the mountain and made sure that everything was secure. He made my path so much easier and doable for someone with my kind of fears.
     The climax of my feelings was when at the beginning of Sunday School Nathan asked me to read a quote by Elder Bednar. He says, " The Lord desires, through His Atonement and by the power of the Holy Ghost, to live in us-- not only to direct us but also to empower us... Individual willpower, personal determination and motivation, effective planning and goal setting are necessary but ultimately insufficient for us to triumphantly complete this moral journey. Truly, we must come to rely upon 'the merits, and mercy, and grace of the Holy Messiah'... The enabling power of the Atonement strengthens us to do and be good and to serve beyond our own individual desire and natural capacity." I didn't even make it through the first sentence without crying. It seemed as if the quote were tailored perfectly to fit my situation the day before. I realized that the Atonement is so much more than we typically talk about. The enabling power of the Atonement is not only a nice feature but an essential part of the plan to gain eternal life. It's something that I can use every day for things that don't seem like they should matter to God, but they do. God cared that I wanted to conquer my fear. He cared about my safety and He granted me the peace that I needed to get through it all. I could not have done what I did yesterday if not for the grace of God. I understand that that may sound over the top, but I had it confirmed to me over and over again today. God cares and through the Atonement of Christ we can literally "do all things." I am eternally grateful for a Savior that cared enough for me to provide me with enabling power that I need so severely. I know that He lives and that He loves us. I am grateful for His "grace that so fully He proffers me." What an incredible miracle. I think this has been the best Easter yet.

baking disasters and delights

So I'm basically in love with baking. I have been feeling more and more confident with my ability to cook as I've been cooking for a dinner group for the last year and I'm in a foods class this semester. I also had learned to trust pinterest... I still kind of do, just not completely. Saturday night Bec and I decided we should go to the store and get stuff to make a good Sunday dinner for us and Sam because it had been a long time since we had all been home for Sunday Dinner. We decided to try a new recipe from pinterest. It had good ingredients so we thought that it must be good. It was called "melt-in-your-mouth chicken." I made it just how the recipe told me to and then I put it in the oven. We were all really excited because it smelled good and looked just like the picture on pinterest. Here it is in case you haven't seen it:

It looks delightful right?

Wrong! What it actually tasted like was this...

Yep, salt! It was SOOO gross. Bec even got the chills when she took her first bite! Such a disappointment! Luckily, we had some awesome potatoes and an incredible salad so that we didn't die, but still it was kind of depressing for me. 

Then we had decided to make churros for dessert and I messed them up by leaving the dough out too long, but I thought Bec had saved them until when we took them out of the oven they were all burnt on the bottom. Although I have to admit that they weren't that bad and everyone at dessert night loved them, it was just depressing to have two failures in one day!

So today I had my foods class and we were all making our own apple pies to take home. I was feeling like I was a horrible cook, but I decided to try my best anyways. Everything went really smoothly and I decided to try a lattice crust. Here's how it turned out...

pre-baking

post-baking.

I can't lie. I was very pleased with how it turned out. The lattice crust even turned out looking decent. And most importantly, it tasted SO GOOD! We had it with some boys from our dinner group and they brought ice cream and I'm a sucker for hot pie with ice cream. It's probably a good thing this pie turned out or I would have sworn that I would never bake again. Turns out that now I'm hooked again... big shocker there.

the media today = filth

I've been thinking a lot lately about how good Satan is at reeling people into his traps. He knows just how to do it so that you don't feel like you're doing anything wrong at all and then all the sudden you find that you're rationalizing everything. I think Satan's main way to reel us in at the moment is through the media. It seems as though there is so much filth on TV, in movies and in songs that sometimes I think that I should never watch/listen to anything again, but that is not the case. The media can be a positive force too. There have been several movies and songs that have literally helped my testimony to grow and I'm not talking about church related media either. There is some good out there. You just have to sort through a lot of bad to get through it.
It breaks my heart to see how many FABULOUS people watch garbage! They have been lulled into Satan's trap. Don't worry, I completely understand that I have been there done that. This past fall semester I had a professor who pointed out something that I have not been able to stop thinking about. He told us that one of the main reasons that really good people break the law of chastity is because they watch bad things. I know, I know you've heard it before and it doesn't feel true, but let me finish. He then pointed out that when you watch bad media a lot you begin to stop recognizing when the spirit leaves you. This presents many problems, one of the biggest being when you go to far the spirit will leave, but if you don't recognize that you can get into trouble that you wouldn't have otherwise. When he told me this I decided that it was a big deal and that I need to do something to make sure that I wasn't desensitized. My professor challenged us to go without media for 30 days and then go back and see what things bother you. I decided to do it and the effects were amazing. I realized so many things that I had been watching or listening to that I shouldn't be. Now that I have cut those things out of my life I have felt a HUGE difference. I have been happier and I can literally feel the spirit with me more often.
I wish that everyone would try this so that they could see how much happier and safe that they can be. It has blessed my life more than I could have ever imagined. I think this is something so crucial because the media is getting so horrible. Remember when "Brokeback Mountain" came out and everyone flipped? Yeah well now in shows that EVERYONE, including really, really good people watch there are gay and lesbian couples are MAIN CHARACTERS! That is so sad to me. This is something that needs to be stopped. We can't keep thinking that this is ok. We have to become re-sensitized.