One week ago today, while I was in Rome, I lost my sweet baby that I have grown to love so much these few months. I was far away from home in a country where I didn't speak the language or know anyone. I have never wanted to be home so badly.
I'm not going to lie, this is the hardest thing I have had to experience in my life thus far. I felt a strong connection to my baby. I have been excited to be a mom for as long as I can remember. I have day dreamed about it and now it was finally going to be a reality. I couldn't contain my excitement.
I had some very spiritual experiences with this baby and when Cole gave me a blessing at the beginning of my pregnancy I felt like everything was going to work out. In my mind I thought that meant I wouldn't have a miscarriage. For a lot of my life I have assumed the worst and then been pleasantly surprised if the best happened. This was one of the first times in my life that I didn't do that.
As I started spotting blood I still felt very hopeful that I wouldn't lose this baby. I felt at peace. But just before we went to bed the bleeding got worse and that was the first time I faced the reality that I could very likely lose this baby. I felt a depth of sorrow and loss I have never experienced before.
I felt like Cole and I should watch a Mormon message and read some scriptures. As we did together we felt a very clear impression: God knows us. He understands our situation. And just because we have faith in miracles does not mean that the miracles we want will happen. I felt that in the eternal scheme of things, Cole and I learning this lesson would be something that would bring us closer to God.
I remembered a quote from Elder Scott's talk Trust in the Lord. He said, "Your Father in Heaven and His Beloved Son love you perfectly. They would not require you to experience a moment more of difficulty than is absolutely needed for your personal benefit or for that of those you love."
I knew in my heart that this was true. If this was something that would be of no benefit to me I truly believe He would have stepped in and healed me. But I believe He allowed this to happen to draw us closer together and closer to Him.
I also felt a very strong impression that angels would be with me to bear me up. He never leaves us alone. As I have been through this experience I can testify that angels have been all around.
My first angel is my sweet husband Cole. He cried with me. He rubbed my feet as I tried to sleep. He did anything he could to make me comfortable and he made a lot of calls to make things happen. I could not have done this without his support.
My mom was another angel and one of the most important. She cried with me as I told her of my pain and sorrow and worries. I felt her love from clear across the world. She made lots of calls and stayed up most of the night in order to help me and be there for me. I honestly don't know of any woman more selfless and kind.
All of my family were angels. Diane, my mother-in-law, called a nurse for me and called us and expressed her sympathy, that meant the world to me. Genna, my sister-in-law called and gave me advice and most importantly just showed how much she cared. I've received prayers and texts from all of my family and I have felt power beyond my own because of their love and support. What a blessing to have family on both sides who are so supportive and truly angles in my life.
Also my sister Michelle and her husband Kevin (they were on the trip with us.) They were amazing. This put a huge damper on the trip but I never sensed even an ounce of frustration. They got me food and supplies and my sister cleaned up all of the blood. She cleaned our room and made sure everything was perfect when we came home. Such a relief for me.
One of the most miracles set of angels were the sweetest senior couple I have ever met. Cole found a contact number for the assistants here and they got us in touch with the mission nurse. She made special arrangements for me to see a doctor at an international hospital even though they are normally closed on Sunday.
They drove there to meet us. Then this sweet woman I had never met before encircled me in her arms and cried with me. I felt the love of the Savior through her. Then they drove us around to get money from an ATM to pay for the doctor and drove us home. We literally wouldn't have been able to do it without them. They were a miracle.
Then when we got home late Thursday night some of my best friends had gotten me flowers with a nice note and the perfect willow tree statue. It was called prayer of peace. I had been feeling during the rest of my trip that I wanted something to remember this baby by, but I wasn't sure what it should be. As soon as I saw that I knew it was perfect. It would always remind me of my baby, and not focus on the sadness of the loss but the power of the Atonement that I felt through the whole process.
When we got back to our apartment the Gardners had gotten me three beautiful bouquets and put them around and left a sweet note. There are very few things I love more than flowers so this was perfect.
As I have been home there have been people continuing to be angels as they have reached out to comfort me. I have felt God's love for me so strongly. I wouldn't ever wish this upon anyone but I am really grateful for it. I know that sounds weird, but I am. I have felt God's love and the enabling power of the Atonement so acutely.
I know that God is our loving Heavenly Father and that He knows me. I know that He sometimes allows us to go through hard things because it helps us to become like Him. I know that this is an inspired church and I felt the power and support of it through this as so many helped me.
