Fear. This is something I have struggled with my whole life. I've experienced all types of fears: fear of kidnapping, fear of being left out, fear of not getting into my program, fear of never measuring up, fear of loss and so much more. I have tried to overcome my fear throughout my whole life, and I don't know that I would say I've overcome my fear. I still feel fear, but I have learned how to deal with it.
As I began my second pregnancy I was filled with fear. I had no idea what would come of this pregnancy. With my first it was easy to not feel too much fear because I hadn't experienced the pain that comes with miscarriage yet. This time was different. I had my last miscarriage in the beginning of September and it was recent enough that the pain was still poignant.
Then, I noticed that I didn't feel the same with this pregnancy as I did with my last. I didn't feel as sick. I was so worried about it while I was out in Texas visiting my sister that I had a break down. I was so filled with fear that I couldn't find the peace that I needed. One of the ways I have learned to help me deal with my fear is to have a priesthood blessing. Cole was able to give me a beautiful blessing that in no way said that we would have this baby, but rather that I would feel peace, and I felt that peace.
As soon as we got home I called my doctor to go in for an early ultrasound. I just needed to know what was going on. I will spare you all the nitty gritty details, but the ultrasound wasn't good and they did some blood tests to figure out if I was going to have another miscarriage. I would find out my results on Thursday night.
I cannot express the fear I had in my heart as I awaited the call. Of course it was a busy week in school so I was busy doing group projects and trying not to break down every second. On Thursday morning I went to class as usual. One of my teachers who rarely shares spiritual things told us that his grandpa was in the hospital and that it wasn't looking good. He then told us of the story of Shadrach Meshach and Abednego. He talked about how they told the king that their God would save them from the fiery furnace, BUT IF NOT they would still not worship his idol. (Daniel 3: 17-18)
This reminded of what I had learned on my mission from a talk you can find here called "But if Not" by Elder Simmons. The power of this message is that it teaches what real faith is. Real faith is not saying that you know that God will produce a miracle. This is faith, but real faith is saying that we know God can produce a miracle, BUT IF NOT we will still be faithful. We will look for the other miracles He will compensate with, even if it's not the miracle we were hoping for. Real faith is trusting that He knows better than us and that what we truly want is for His will to be done.
As my teacher reminded me of what I already knew I felt that was God's way of reminding me how to approach this situation to be able to handle it in the most faithful and peaceful way. It was a beautiful tender mercy that helped me through the day.
As I called in for my results I sat in the car with Cole and held his hand. I knew I couldn't do this alone. When they told me that my levels had not gone up even close to as much as they should have I felt shock. Then intense pain. I cried and cried as Cole held me in his arms. I couldn't believe that I was going to have to go through this all over again. I even turned to Cole and I said to him, "Cole, I can't do this. I can't do this again. My heart is breaking and I don't think I will be able to handle the pain." Then I remembered that I don't have to do this alone. I remembered that through the enabling power of the Atonement of Christ would be with me and help me along every step of the way.
I have felt that power throughout this process. I still have to go in for a lot of testing as the continue to figure out what exactly went wrong and hopefully find out what we can do to prevent this in the future. It's hard being continually reminded of the loss of this pregnancy, but God has sent His tender mercies. I had a big presentation the next day in front of recruiters and He blessed me to do better than my normal best. I have had family, group members, ward members, coworkers, and many others who have prayed for me and have listened and comforted me as I grieve yet another loss. And as I sat through the evening session of stake conference every talk seemed to be inapplicable, but one. One talk didn't fit with the theme at all, but it was perfectly tailored to my situation. I knew that was yet another way of God showing me how much He cared about me and that He was walking with me through this trial.
I don't know why this is one of my trials in this life. I don't know why others seems to have children so easily and I don't. I don't know why being a mother, which is something I have prepared and hoped for my whole life, is being put on hold, but I don't have to have all the answers.
I don't like having to go through this. It's painful, it's emotional, and it's exhausting. But, I wouldn't take it back. Just as I said with my last miscarriage I know that things I am learning from this are worth it. I know that God's most important objective is to help me become like Him and if this is part of the way I'm going to become more Godlike then so be it. I also know that whenever we feel pain it makes our joy even more sweet. Therefore, when I do finally hold my own little baby in my arms that the joy will far exceed the pain. It will be more sweet than it could have been if I was able to just have a baby as soon as I wanted without any complications. I look forward with faith to that day.
I am grateful for the enabling power of the Atonement which makes the seemingly impossible possible. I know that He has been with me while I have gone through this and given me strength beyond my own. I know that as I continue to walk in faith that my fondest dreams will be fulfilled. Maybe not in the way or timing I would hope for, but they will come.
