Faith. It's the first principle of the gospel. Should be pretty basic, right? Nope. At least sometimes it isn't for me. The important thing to remember is that faith is really nothing unless you finish the phrase from the 4th Article of Faith. It's faith in the Lord Jesus Christ. That's what really matters. I sometimes I struggle with that.
Sometimes I want to have faith in the outcomes that have been promised to me by God, but that is the wrong thing to have faith in. Often times, I interpret the things God has promised me to be one thing, but they really end up being something completely different and ALWAYS BETTER. Turns out He really does know better than me. I don't know why I sometimes still struggle with that. The important thing is to have Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ and THEN the promised outcomes will fall into place. Not the other way around.
The past several months have been quite the roller coaster for me. Especially, the last week or so. I'm going on a mission, and I'm SUPER excited about it. I leave March 13. Leaving in March presents some interesting problems. The first of them is that I can't go to school because the semester ends in April. I was going to deal with this by just going to the first block of classes and take one class and then I would be able to keep working my BYU job. Well I found out last week that they changed the rules and you have to take six credits to work... that means I would end up paying more than I would make. Obviously, I am no longer going to do this. This was devastating for me. I need money. I need something to do. It seemed like the perfect solution, but obviously not. The Lord knows better. He understands my life much better than I do. So yet again, I need to trust Him.
Honestly, even if I died tomorrow I would be better off for making the decision to go on a mission. It has forced me to accept that God really does know better than me. I am doing what He has asked of me and so this experience is going to be for my benefit. That does NOT mean that everything will work out how I want it, but it does mean that it will all work out for my own good.
Finals. Need I say more? I switched my major to Business last year about this time.. Business is amazing and I love it, but it's hard. At least it is for me. This semester I took two of the hardest classes for business, or so I hear. I have worked my tail off in both of them. I did pretty badly in both of them as well. So frustrating. When I decided that I needed to change my major I prayed like crazy because I honestly didn't think I was capable of doing something that challenging. I made my decision, but I was still nervous.
That's when I read John 14:27, "Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid."
I felt very strongly when I read that scripture that it applied to my situation. I felt peace about changing my major, not because it made any sense like the world would think. I changed because I knew it was the better path for me. I was feeling peace because I can do anything with the grace that is provided to me through my Savior. When I felt this at the time I thought this would mean I would be blessed to be able to do well in my business classes if I put in my part. That has not always been the case.
I have been extremely blessed with my schooling, but I have struggled too. I put in 17 hours of studying for my Accounting final. So naturally, I thought I should do well. Nope. I bombed it. It's the lowest test score I've gotten at BYU and it's the test I studied the most for. You may think I'm exaggerating how bad my score was. Nope! It was bad. So bad that I'm too ashamed to post it...
I honestly, had some doubt there for a minute. I doubted God's plan for me. Why in the world did I feel peaceful about business if I was just going to fail?! True, I don't know that this one test score will make me not be able to get into the Marriott school, but it sure feels like it. I believe that for some reason or another God really needs my faith to increase. I need to have Faith in His son, Jesus Christ and the enabling power of His Atonement. This experience has just given me more reason to have to rely on that faith instead of faith in the promised outcome of being successful in my major, which is what I was promised in a blessing. Now, I know even more fully that I can't do this alone. The only way that I will be able to get into the Marriott school will be because that's what is right. And who knows? Maybe this is just supposed to take me down a path to something else. I have no clue, and that's OK. I'm not supposed to know the end. That's the whole point of having faith.
This past week has been a hard one, but I have been blessed to be able to feel my soul stretching. Faith is like a muscle in that way: the more we stretch and exercise it, the stronger it gets. Even though it's been hard, I'm thankful for these soul stretching days. They hurt in the moment, but as my mom so wisely put it, "the most important thing in our lives to accomplish is to move down the path towards salvation." That's what these days do. I'll take a bad test score and ruined plans if that's what I'm getting from it. Bring on the soul stretching! (Although, I wouldn't mind having a little break for the moment. ha!)
