letter.eighteen 07.29.2013 ^eat the carrot^

 My dearest family,

This week has been wonderful! Last week of transfers is becoming a favorite of mine. There is just more love flowing than normal because no one knows who is going to be leaving or if there will be a change. We found out that my companion and I will be separated. I'm going to miss her. She's an incredible missionary and we got along so well, but I'm excited to work with my new companion! She's been in our zone so I've worked with her a bit and I LOVE her! She's awesome!

One of the best things that happened this week was finally meeting an investigator that lives in our apartment block. She is a young, single mum and I LOVE her. She is so GOLDEN! She has a religious background so it all makes sense to her and she is super keen to learn more! You can tell she really listens when we speak. She also came to church on Sunday and the ward enveloped her in love and support. I have never seen the ward reach out so much. We even had a member call us after and say thank you for letting her meet her and that she wants to be her friend and come along to lessons! Say What?! Music to our ears! It was amazing! Our investigator loved church and before we could even invite her to come again next week she was like, "well yeah I loved that! I'll be back next week!" Woot woot! Now we just have to make sure Satan doesn't get to her because he can be quite obnoxious that way.

Another cool experience was on Saturday we were going out to tract and I was really struggling to have the desire and to just know where to go. So we stopped and we prayed. I prayed so hard for the desire and energy to be able to not just go out, but to go out with my whole heart and that we would be lead to the elect. I have never been good at praying for a street, but I really wanted to try it again so we prayed for quite some time. I wasn't even sure what I was feeling, but I felt slightly inclined to a specific suburb after a lot of prayer and pondering. Then I noticed a few streets, but I was pretty sure I just noticed them because they were weird names. So we decided to go there and try it out because we had nothing else.  I was praying to have the faith to find the elect. We came to the street and we had to decide whether to go right or left. Left was much more logical, but I decided to say a quick prayer and I felt we should go to the right so we did. Then I was praying to know which house (we don't go to them all at night because it can be unsafe.) One house stood out to me so we pulled over and knocked on the door. These three adorable children came to the door and their dad. The dad was Atheist but very kind and the kids were super receptive. They loved hearing about the Book of Mormon. It reminded me of all of the times that Christ said that we should become like a child. They were so prepared to hear the gospel and they want to learn more. The 11 year old girl after we read the scripture looked at me and said, "wow I really liked that!" I was a bit taken off guard. I didn't even think she would understand it. They are amazing and next time we're hoping to get their mum involved too, but the kids are keen to learn and the dad is totally fine with it! It was amazing! God was so good to us. I love teaching kids. They are amazing!

Another highlight of the week was interviews with President. It's always nice to chat with President. He is so inspiring. I talked to him a bit about how I always feel guilty about not doing enough and that it can really get me down and he was very helpful, but he also said that if I wanted to that I could talk with the area doctor over emotional and mental health over the phone. I said I would be ok because the thought of that made me feel like I was weak, especially since none of my siblings had to. Then, as the day went on I had those feelings of guilt again and I realized that I was being prideful to not talk to the doctor. What would it hurt? So I phoned President and told him that I would like to chat with the doctor. I talked to him today and it was AMAZINGLY helpful.

He really helped me identify some things that are a part of my habits and really my nature now that I can actually change. I have been praying to Heavenly Father to help me change the part of me that is too hard on myself and I really feel like this was my answer. Mom and Dad, you would have loved it! He told me, after we had chatted for a bit that I use a carrot and stick motivation system. That means that I always feel like there is more to do so I never "eat the carrot." The stick is all of the negative thoughts that I say to reprimand myself.

Then, he said that there is a motivation system that God uses that works much better. That is a value/love based motivation. You do things because you believe that they're true and that right thing to do. You do it because you love. That is what motivated the Savior. I do have some of that in me, but I fall into the carrot and stick trap all the time. He said that when you put the wrong kind of pressures on yourself then you have all of these opposing forces that come after you too that push you down and that it can eventually decrease your values and love. So he told me that I have to eat the carrot, but I told him I had NO clue how to eat the carrot.

He said you have to first BELIEVE that you can eat the carrot and throw away the stick. Then you have to break an old habit. Today we talked about the first part, believing that eating the carrot really is the right thing to do. He talked about how in D&C 121 it says "let virtue garnish thy thoughts, THEN shall thy confidence wax strong in the presence of God." He then informed me that it is not virtuous to think negatively about myself.  If I want the blessing of confidence in my ability as a missionary then I really have to eliminate those negative thoughts.

Then he had me imagine what the Savior would say about my missionary service. He said He would give me love and appreciation and that would motivate me to do and be better.  My performance and effectiveness would increase more from that than if the Savior reprimanded me the whole time.

He also pointed out that when I feel excessively guilty and down on myself after a meeting or study that that is Satan.  Satan can't get me to do the obviously bad things so he will try to make me overdose on the good because that will lead me to crash and burn. I need to remember whenever I start to feel those feelings of guilt and low self worth that those are not from God. God teaches us bit by bit and He helps us see the good as we try bit by bit to become even better. That really opened my mind. I have heard all of these principles before, but hearing them put together like that really made it make sense.

Then when I was reading in the Book of Mormon this morning I read in Helaman 13:29 "how long will ye choose darkness rather than light?" I felt God telling me that this is something that I need to truly believe in because it is the way of light and happiness. God doesn't want me to be miserable, that's Satan. God wants me to have peace and satisfaction and GRADUAL growth on my pursuit of perfection. I am really going to try to really strengthen my belief that it is ok to eat the carrot instead of thinking that that will mean I never realize my full potential. I realized this will help me be able to soar to greater heights than I could if I kept going in the "never quite good enough" way.

It was amazing when I was saying my prayers, I felt very clearly that this is one of the reasons I needed to come on a mission. To resolve this problem because as God has told me time and time again, He has great things in store for me and I need to be prepared. I am so excited to learn how to do this better and through the enabling power of the Atonement be able to overcome this weakness. It's so exciting! I LOVE being a missionary. God takes such good care of me.

I love you all. Thank you for your love and support. You mean the world to me!  Make it a great day!

letter.seventeen 07.21.2013 "you can chaaaaage!"

This week has been a great one, yet again. I was really sad to say goodbye to my mini missionary. She and I had an incredible experience together.

It was a very wet beginning of the week. We all went to the zoo as a district last Monday, but it was pouring rain. It actually made it even more fun though. We were all laughing and trying to stay semi dry. It was a great bonding experience. We have the best district. Also, I got to hold a bird and pet a kangaroo! I feel like my Aussie experience is much more complete now. I'll send pictures. One of my favorite women in the ward also came with us too. She is so good to us as missionaries. She took us all out to hot chocolate after. She makes us feel like we have a friend and a mom here. I love her. I want to be that for other missionaries when I get home. 

at the zoo.

with her mini misisonary: sister woo

Sister Woo and I had many miracles! We set two baptismal dates. It was amazing. One was with an investigator who has had such a hard life. Being able to watch the dramatic change in him has been such a privilege. It's the best part of missionary work! Then the next time my companion and I went back he told us he had quit smoking! He's amazing.

A hilarious experience Sister Woo and I had was on Tuesday. We ran out of k's on our car because we've had to drive to a lot of meetings this month. So, we had to ride bikes. It was all good except that the wind was so strong that we had to exert all of our energy to try to even get down hill. On our way home we had to eventually get off of our bikes because the wind was blowing us off the sidewalk into the road. Then, it started pouring rain. Not just like a little, but like pelting us so bad that it hurt. It felt like someone was throwing rocks at us. But we were both just laughing our heads off. It was so hilarious! We had to actually stop for a minute because we were laughing so hard. You know how I can get when I laugh. Man, sometimes it just feels so good to have a laugh like that. Who knew it would be a crazy down pour? I went to bed exhausted that night.

This week I've really been struggling with guilt. I find myself always feeling guilty that I'm not doing this or that I could be doing better with that and so on and so forth. I've realized how limiting this can be because sometimes it just makes me want to give up trying altogether. But, I knew that wasn't right. I realized that I think the root of my problem was that I was comparing myself. I'm so bad at that sometimes. I realized that it had to change, but I honestly wasn't sure how in the world I could change that. Then, I read a quote on the conference calendar by Elder Bednar,

"Every appetite, desire, propensity, and impulse of the natural man may be overcome by and through the Atonement of Jesus Christ. We are here on the earth to develop godlike qualities and to bridle all the passions of the flesh."

God is so good at lovingly reminding me that all things are possible through the Atonement of Jesus Christ. I realized that I was doubting the power of the Atonement if I decided that part of my natural man couldn't be changed. So I started pleading with God to help me know how to change that part of my nature. I really wasn't sure how at all. God overwhelmed me with answers. I still don't have the whole and perfect solution, but God is giving it to me piece by piece so that I can work on it bit by bit. I think He knew that I couldn't turn it off immediately, but that I could if I applied different principles one at a time. I have been receiving answers in various ways but the main way is through my Book of Mormon reading. Oh man, I love the Book of Mormon! I have never loved it so much.

(Sidenote, they should totally make a movie of the book of Alma. I felt like I was reading a novel because it was so hard for me to put down!)

I'll spare you all the details of my reading and just share the jist. The main point God is getting across to me is humility and all the different things it encompasses.

In Alma 59:1-2 Moroni is an amazing example of humility. He hears about Helaman's success and instead of thinking, "oh man, why can't I have those kind of success stories?? I must not be as good as Helaman." It says that, "he was exceedingly rejoiced because of their welfare." and that to really show his humility he went out and "made it known unto all his people." He was embarrassed that Helaman had more "success" than he did. He realized that it didn't devalue him to let everyone else know about Helaman's success. I was able to practice that the very night I learned about it. We had a dinner appointment and my companion did the thought and the family raved about how amazing she was and how mature and so on and so forth. I was tempted to feel down that I'm not as good as her, but then I remembered Moroni and said a little prayer for help and instantly I was filled with love and appreciation for my companion. I didn't feel undervalued, I felt empowered by her goodness and it helped me love her more unconditionally. Such a liberating feeling!

Another amazing example is Pahoran who got chewed out by Moroni because Moroni doesn't understand what's actually happening.(I do that all the time. I love Moroni!) But Pahoran handles it so well. He doesn't get defensive he says in verse nine, "you have censured me, but it mattereth not; I am not angry, but do rejoice in the greatness of your heart." Umm WOW! He was choosing to see Moroni for his intentions instead of his actions. I have been working on that too. Choosing not to be offended. Choosing not to feel judged. I am going to choose to see people for the intentions and desires of their hearts. It has already helped me.

I don't even have time to tell you how God answered me perfectly in Sacrament meeting too, but it was incredible. It's like the whole meeting was for my needs. God really takes care of us when we put in the effort. He has been so good to me. In a week that could have been so hard, He has given me beautiful tender mercies and miracles to sustain me through all of my negative self talk and then once I asked, He helped me overcome the negative self talk. God is so good. I feel overwhelmed with love and appreciation for the Savior and His Atonement. That's my favorite part of being a missionary! People can change! Myself included. I learned it best from my own mother who never says she's too old to change. That's what this life is all about, preparing to meet God through CHANGING our natures! I feel so blessed to have that empowering knowledge. As Alan and Alexis would sing, "you can chaaaaange!"

I love you all. Thank you for the love and for the support. I can feel it. It was tangible this week when times got hard. Know that I'm praying for you as well. 

letter.sixteen "the errand of angels"

Dearest Family,

This week has been great! In Australia they do these things called mini missions where the youth come on a mission for a little while and I have a mini missionary right now! Her name is Sister Woo and she's 16. I love her so much. She is adorable. She'll be with me for a total of 5 days and she's completely a missionary, rules and all. My companion has a mini missionary too. It's such a smart idea to have them all be able to try it out and see what missionary work is really like and the amazing things that can come from it. I feel so blessed to have her with me.

We also had zone conference this week and it was inspiring and so much fun. It was all on planning and the assistants made it fun and exciting. I know it sounds weird that planning is fun, but turns out it can be. Although, I am a bit of an organization freak so maybe that's why I love it so much. My companion and I were also able to sing at zone conference so that was really fun. I love it whenever I get to sing. I feel like I can bear my testimony much more effectively through song.

One of the things that really touched me at zone conference was when the stake president spoke. He talked about the rippling effect we would have as missionaries. I had this vision of what I really can accomplish as a missionary and as a member of the church. I may not know the fruits of my mission until the next life, but I know that it's worth it. I felt so inspired after zone conference to "make it happen" as President Lindsay would say. He is all about empowering us to make things happen instead of waiting for someone else to tell us what to do or waiting for the perfect people to come to us. We have to set goals that we feel are accepted by God and then we need to LIVE for our goals. Ah! It's so awesome. Honestly, mum and dad would have been ALL over this training. So good. It's all about having a vision of what we can achieve and become.

I can't remember if I shared this before, but one of my favorite quotes from President was, "Everything of value is created twice. Once spiritually and once physically." As you look at God's pattern of creation it's true. I have felt the power of planning in missionary work.

I have decided also that it must be my calling to help troubled women on my mission. This past week I have had the privilege of talking with many women. Some of these women have been through things that I cannot even comprehend. They have been scarred and battered, but they are trying their best to keep the faith. I honestly feel a little overwhelmed by it sometimes. I don't know how to help these women and I'm not even supposed to counsel them as a missionary, but I can help them look to the Savior. That is one of the best feelings I have had on my mission. I am able to testify to them that God loves them. That they are His noble daughters and that He is pleased with their efforts. My heart literally feels like it's going to break for these women, I love them so deeply, but I know that the Savior loves them even more because He knows perfectly what they are going through. He will be there with them if they will only ask. They may feel completely alone, but they aren't. I love being able to testify of the Savior's love because every time I do I can feel His love for them more acutely. It's an incredible feeling.

A word I have come to love even more on my mission is heal. The Savior really does heal us. I have watched Him heal those that I have worked with and I have felt Him heal me. Last night we were teaching a boy who has been hurt and misguided in almost every way. He is trying to unlearn everything he thought to be true and replace it. I was able to testify to him that this process is not on his own and that the Savior will be there for him every step of the way. To see the change in his countenance was incredible. He went from depressed to smiling huge. I didn't even know it was possible for him to smile so big! He is so excited to be baptized. I feel so privileged to be a part of the "errand of angels." I love being a missionary! There are miracles all around us.

letter.fifteen 07.07.2013 ^shout out to my forefathers^

It's been a great week! When we got called to be sister training leaders together we decided that it would be good to have a meeting with just the sisters from our zone. We asked President and he loved the idea so that happened this week.

My companion and I prayed about what we should talk to the sisters about and we both felt like we should share with them Sister Holland's quote that I shared a few weeks ago and from PMG chapter one. Also, that we should share our experiences with it. They received it really well. Several of them told us after that it was exactly what they needed, which made me feel a lot better cause I was worried I was just doing it because I liked it and that it wouldn't mean anything to them.

Also, Sister Lindsey came down for it and she gave some closing remarks that ended the meeting perfectly. She is incredible. Oh and we decided, since it was a sister's meeting, we should provide lunch for them so we made them pumpkin soup and biscuits (which are called scones here.) It was a great way to bond together as sisters. God is so good. He worked out everything so perfectly for us.

Then we went on exchanges and I was here in Halls Head with Sister F and we had so many miracles! We found two AMAZING new investigators. One of which has committed to be baptized and they both came to church! The one who committed to be baptized was a referral from his mum. We went over and in an effort to get to know him I asked him what he was doing, as in with his life, and he said, "well I just want to get baptized." Of course as a missionary that is music to our ears. I thought I was dreaming! I was so excited! I tried to not freak out too much, but we scheduled for him to be baptized at the end of the month. We're soo excited! God is so good to us.

We also saw progression in some of our investigators that have been really struggling lately. It was so good. Ah! Those are the days you live for as a missionary!

Then this week I was reading a talk by Elder Callister called “Becoming a Consecrated Missionary” because it's something I am still really striving to become and the first section talked about how you have to talk to EVERYONE. He talked about D&C 24:12 which I've heard a million times, but he pointed out that the Savior commanded that we open our mouths at all times and that He has promised us that if we do that He will "give us strength such as is not known to men." umm Hallo! I want that. I am so often making excuses for why I shouldn't talk to someone and honestly, they're pretty legit excuses.

Then I read this,

"Sometimes we have missionaries who are so worried about offending people that in the process they never save them!"

Christ didn't say it wouldn't be awkward or that everyone would respond well He just said that we need to do it and He will bless us.

I wasn't sure how I was going to do this and then I read this,

"Sometimes we just have to square our shoulders and do it. There is no magic pill that makes us courageous, no passage of time that strengthens us, no memorized approach that emboldens us. We are left only with the compelling counsel of king Benjamin: 'And now if ye believe these things see that you do them.'"

And one last quote from the talk,

"The reason it is so important to open our mouths is that every time we do so we exercise faith and every time we exercise faith we invite miracles."

I NEED those miracles and so do the people of Western Australia. So I committed to Heavenly Father to do it and I have done it! I really have talked to and given a pass along card, at the very least, to every person I have seen since then! It has been so liberating! I should have started this sooner! It feels so good and it's getting less and less awkward which is great! And I can come home feeling satisfied that I really did my best.

Sunday was amazing. Church is always a time to rejuvenate for the next week. I have never appreciated church so much until I came on my mission. It's a place where the revelation can flow if we come ready and willing to listen.

Then we had a relief society fireside for our ward and our investigator went so we got to go! It was amazing. The main speaker talked about charity, which is like my favorite topic, but he spoke about it in a way I had never heard of before. He talked about how at the end of the day true charity really is ALL that matters. For example, he said we won't need things like the gift of healing in heaven. It just put it into perspective. I've been feeling bad that I'm not an amazing teacher, but really that's not what matters at the end of the day. It's the charity that I feel for the people that I'm teaching. Not that I don't need to continually improve my teaching. That matters too, but I don't need to feel bad that my number one focus has been charity. I felt God confirming to me that He is pleased with that as my main focus on my mission. I love those moments when you can feel His approval. It's like a flood of relief comes over your whole body.

I still have so much to improve on, but all that matters is that I'm getting a little bit better each day. I can't believe that I ever thought about NOT coming on a mission. I needed this refiner’s fire badly. I want to let it change me completely and forever. I thank Heavenly Father every day for the opportunity and privilege of being a full time missionary.  It's hard, but so worth it.

I can't wait for Daver to go. I keep thinking about what an incredible missionary he will be. I was just telling my companion last night as we went to bed how sometimes I wish that I could be serving with all of my siblings and my parents. I draw from your examples of missionary service everyday. One time the seminary president when he found out who my family was said that I had big shoes to fill. I feel that way now. I have had a legacy of not just missionaries go before me, but consecrated missionaries and you better believe that I'm not going break that chain. I think of John Tanner a lot and how consecrated he was. I think about that when I feel like I am having a hard time doing that. I remember that this is in my blood. I want to leave the kind of legacy that he did.

One last thought, last night as I was talking with a man he said that he believes in God, but that he smokes and drinks and doesn't live the best life. He was implying that our message couldn't be for him because he wasn't living right. I felt an overwhelming love for him from Heavenly Father. I was able to testify that our message isn't for the perfect. It's for the imperfect that want to become better. The Atonement is for everyone, not just the people that were fortunate enough to be born into good circumstances. That is the absolute best part of missionary work, watching the Atonement change people.

I love you all and I hope you make it a GREAT week!

letter.fourteen 06.30.2013 ^meetings are the best^

Well this week started off amazingly! Going to the temple was just what I needed. I have missed the temple a lot and it felt so refreshing to be able to sit in the temple and enjoy the incredible spirit and perspective that it brings. There is nothing better.

After reading David and Mom's emails I was feeling a bit sad that I wasn't going to be there for when David went through the temple for the first time. David and I are really close and I would have loved to be there to talk with him in the celestial room just like all of you did for me. As I was waiting for the session to start in the temple I realized I was going to the temple only a few hours after David would have been. I, of course, started crying. I felt so blessed. God really does care about me. He knew that it would be kind of hard for me to not be there with Dave so He gave me the next best thing, being able to go to the temple with my zone. I thought about you the whole time Dave. I was praying that you had a good experience and that even though I wouldn't be there that you would feel of my love and support.

Another tender mercy in the temple is that I got to sit by Sister Lindsay. I am used to going to the temple with you mom and I was thinking about all the good conversations we had in the temple and it was a comfort to have my mission mom there with me. She and President came around to each of us in the celestial room and she gave us a hug. As she gave me a hug I felt overwhelming gratitude for her and for you mom. It's not that I was missing you all, don't worry.:) I was just thinking about the incredible blessing of eternal families and the blessings of going to the temple with people you love. I hope you all had an incredible experience with Dave in the temple. I can't wait to read about it.

Another amazing thing this week was being able to be at mission leadership council again. Man, I love meetings; especially meetings with President Lindsay in the mission home. It's so inspiring to hear him speak. He speaks by the Spirit and he always says exactly what I need to hear for me, my investigators, or the Sisters I serve as sister training leader. It seems that every time I've exhausted all my resources for seeking the answers to my prayers we have a meeting on exactly what I need to do. The Lord and His timing never cease to amaze me. He is in the details of all of our lives.

One of the things I loved that He said was that God has always created things first spiritually and THEN physically. There is always a plan first. That's what we do as missionaries too. We plan and then we carry out those plans and make them a reality. We would never succeed if we didn't plan first.

Also, we got to watch the worldwide leadership fireside for the last two hours of church yesterday. OH MY GOODNIGHT. I was crying through the whole thing; so many emotions up in “hur”. Wow. First of all, thinking about how Daver will soon be in the MTC like all those missionaries there. So awesome. Man I can't wait for him to be out in the field. There is power knowing that people you love are serving too.

But, that whole fireside was incredible. It put missionary work into a whole new light. President Lindsay is all about us having a vision of what we want to become as missionaries and as a mission and I feel like the leadership training was a perfect vision of what God wants missionary work to be now. I cannot even imagine how missionary work will change. It's going to be huge. God is hastening His work.

One of the things I took away from it the most strongly is how much members should be involved. Hearing that the missionaries in that Oklahoma ward were getting 20 member presents blew me away! I could see so much more clearly what the members role really should be in missionary work. It's not us missionaries who should be finding, but the members. When they said that the ward should be filling up our planners so that we don't need to go tracting I wanted to stand up and yell, "AMEN!" but... since we're not that kind of church I contained my enthusiasm to a big smile. I hope we can help inspire the ward members here in Mandurah to have this be their main focus. That's another thing I realized. Even after I'm home, I'm still a missionary and aside from my family missionary work should still be my first priority. If nothing else, I needed to come on a mission so God could help me change my perspective. It kills me how selfish and "busy" I was before so I would make all sorts of excuses! Bah! I'm here on earth to prepare to meet God and to help others to prepare to meet God! What a blessing! I never have to stop being a missionary. Thank heavens. That also means that the traits I'm developing on my mission are not just for a mission, such as talking with everyone, they are for all eternity! Honestly, that's a little overwhelming to me, but good thing I have my whole life to perfect that skill. I just need to be more like Grandpa Tanner. I think that all the time. People may have thought he was awkward, but who cares. It's all about bringing souls unto Christ and the elect will listen.

I hope you all watched it and if you didn't do it. Now. It's incredible and life changing.

Oh and hilarious story of the week, I am now the designated driver... that means I am now driving on the wrong side of the road and the wrong side of the car. It's actually not too weird. I'm just trying to figure out the width of my vehicle. It feels like our little corolla is huge because I have so much car to the left of me. My first night driving we are coming down a road and a dog runs out in front of me. I didn't hit him but I stopped and waited for him to move. Nothing. So my companion gets out of the car and tries to get him to move, but the dog jumps in the car. I'm not a huge fan of dogs so I’m trying not to freak out. This is a big dog. My companion has to pull him out of the car with all her strength and then try to chase him away. This whole process took like 10 minutes and we were both laughing our heads off. I'm not even surprised that that happened to me the first time I drove. ha So funny.

Well I love you all and I hope that this week has been a good one. I can't wait to read your emails.

Love you!

ps just saw that DREW CAME!!!! BAHHHHHHHHHAAAAHAHAHAHAH I'm so excited! Too bad he'll have to wait a while to meet His favorite Auntie:)

letter.thirteen 06.26.2013 "Be patient in your pursuit of perfection"

Well first of all, I'm sorry that I didn't write on Monday again. We had preparation day switched again because we get to go to the temple today! I cannot even begin to express how grateful I am for that. We're going as a zone, which will be fun. There are quite a few new missionaries in the zone so it will be awesome to get to know them better.

Speaking of changes in our zone, turns out I love people waaay too much. It was so sad to say goodbye to missionaries that I've been serving with. I just feel this intense love, non-romantical of course, for people. I love getting to know people but it's really not very fun to say goodbye. I suppose I'll get better at this whole transfer thing as time goes on. That was not something I anticipated being hard on a mission. I was so blessed to have incredible leaders and I'm glad I at least get to keep one of them. I'm also THRILLED to be staying in Halls Head with my companion. She's awesome. I wasn't ready to lose her yet and I most definitely was not ready to leave the Mandurah ward and the people we've been teaching. Part of me just wants to stay here my whole mission. Oh and my companion and I were made Sister Training leaders so that should be interesting. I love that we will get to go up to leadership council, but I'm most definitely under qualified. But I know that God wouldn't have asked me to do it if it wasn't for a reason. I can't wait to learn from the sisters in our zone!

This past week we went to teach a lesson to a former investigator who has heaps of questions and hard ones too. She started throwing them out at us and then she'd look at us like, "yeah that's right, try to answer that one sweetheart." Normally, I just want to argue with those people, but I knew I wasn't supposed to on a mission, nor would it be effective. So, I prayed to see her as God does and to be able to answer her questions with love and clarity. I felt so much love in my heart for her. I never felt annoyed with her or anything. Just love. You all know me and know that that is a MIRACLE! I was so blessed. God was so good to me. He helped me to be able to have patience and clear answers that were WAY beyond my normal capacity. I felt so blessed.

I've also been trying to be better about my prayers. As a missionary, you say about 1 million prayers everyday, rough estimate. So, sometimes it's hard to make them all sincere. I've been really struggling to make my morning and evening prayers sincere especially because I'm so dead tired and my head it always in a million different directions. But Adam Hewlett and I have been emailing and the last email he sent me was about prayer and an article he read in this month's ensign. I read the article and it changed my whole view on prayer. All of you go read it. Now. It's by Elder Pearson. The part that really hit me is that a lot of the article is dedicated to preparing to pray. Wow. I had NEVER thought of that before. I need to prepare myself to talk to God. It makes complete sense and let me tell you it works. He gives some suggestions for ways to help you focus and prepare to pray with a humble and grateful heart. The prayer I said immediately after was so sacred and special to me. I felt the reality of God being my loving Heavenly Father in a way that I have only felt a few times before. I could feel His arm around my shoulder telling me that He was pleased with me and that it was all going to be ok. I know I still have a long way to go before my prayers really are adequate. There is so much more in that article you have to go read it. He laid it out so simply and beautifully. I loved it. I copied down nearly the whole thing in my topical composition study notebook.

Then on Saturday we were out and one of our former investigators member friends called us to tell us why she hasn't been talking to us anymore and to encourage us to go back and try to talk to her again. He didn't know we were on speakerphone so he told my companion that the reason she stopped contact was because of me. She said I was too pushy. When I heard that my heart was on the floor. I only met her once, but I love her so much. I didn't even remember being pushy. It was one of my first lessons that I had when I came to Australia so I was pretty fresh, but I still felt terrible. Getting told that you are the reason that someone stopped listening feels terrible. I had no pride left. It was the first time I wanted to really give up. I started thinking about how her eternal salvation was in peril because of me and that I was a terrible missionary and blah, blah, blah... I started having a very negative conversation with myself. Then I remembered my theme for this transfer. It's a quote from one of Sister Holland's talks that I have on my iPod here. "Be patient in your pursuit of perfection." Then she gives us three ways to be less hard on ourselves.

#1 Remember that any failure with the gospel of Jesus Christ is only temporary.

#2 No self pity. None.

#3 Eliminate all could haves, would haves, should haves, and if onlys.

I was doing the opposite of all of those three things. So I picked myself up by the bootstraps and went in to see our other investigator. I had to take deep breaths and I still couldn't stop the tears, but I prayed with all my heart for help. I knew I had to pull it together. We went and talked to our other investigator and then we got in the car to drive to a less active. The song, "I am His daughter" came on. I can't tell you how often music is the answer to my prayers, but it happened again. The lyrics are, "I'm part of the bigger picture. He loves me the way I am; He's my strength when I stand. He is my king and my Father. I am His daughter." There are other parts of the song that helped too, but that part is the part that helped me understand that God loved me the way I AM not just the way I should be. Yes, I can progress and become a better missionary, but what's in the past is in the past and I just need to learn from it.

Then our less active wasn't home so we needed to go night tracting. That was the last thing I wanted to do when I felt like this, but I realized that this was the moment that I could show God that I was a consecrated missionary. I kept repeating Sister Holland's quote in my head over and over and praying for help and you know what I did it. I went night tracting and everyone was super nice, super not interested as well, but it was a tender mercy that they were all kind and I was able to feel God's satisfaction with my work and that is all that really matters. I feel so blessed to have had that experience. It still hurts. It still makes my heart ache inside when I think about it, but I'm NOT going to let that slow me down. I'm going to let it propel me forward!

I love you my dearest family! Thank you for all you do for me:)