goodbyes.

Here are a few snapshots from our last time with Annie.

gone away.

Well. Our Sister Tanner has *gone away* to serve as a missionary for the next 18 months. While she's away I'll keep you updated on her goings-on and missionary life...


Here is the quick (and very brief) letter she wrote to the fam her first night in the MTC:


Wow! Today has been amazing! I love being a missionary already! It still doesn't feel real, like at all.  We taught tonight and it was a good jump into reality.  I love my companion and district already.  I also saw Lee Essig tonight after dinner.  That was a nice surprise.  The only thing I don't like is the Sister/Elder thing.  My name is Annie, not Sister Tanner.  Ha. Ha. Well I guess not anymore.  I'm loving the Spirit that I feel here.  I love my teachers as well, they seem awesome.  I love you all and hope that all is well!  

 

my deepest fear...

I'm sure you've all heard the quote by Marianne Williamson that says, "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that frightens us." Well maybe for some people that is true, but let me tell you I am not afraid that I am "powerful beyond measure." Honestly, I think that would be pretty sweet. And I'm much more scared of my dark than my light. Believe me, I've seen both sides; the dark is terrifying. I know, I know, it's pretty much everyone's favorite quote, but it's just not true for me. 

My deepest fear is that I AM INADEQUATE. I am scared spit-less that I'll never amount to anything, or be anybody to anyone. I fear failure and vulnerability. That is where the last part of the quote makes perfect sense to me. 

"We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

I  am a child of God. He intends for us all to be Kings and Queens in the heavens someday. He knows what I can someday become if I will utilize the Atonement. It is through Him that I can be more than I ever dreamed. So, I should dream big and fall hard because that's what life is all about. You can't have the success without the failure. God can and WILL make miracles happen in my life if I have faith. He can make little Annalise Tanner into something worthwhile, not because I'm so great, but because HE IS. 

The only reason we ever really shine is because we are making "manifest the glory of God that is within us." I know God can do this for me and that He would never be pleased with any of His children fearing that they may never amount to anything; that is a lie. We can ALL amount to EVERYTHING if we will just put our faith and trust in Him.

soul stretching days

Faith. It's the first principle of the gospel. Should be pretty basic, right? Nope. At least sometimes it isn't for me. The important thing to remember is that faith is really nothing unless you finish the phrase from the 4th Article of Faith. It's faith in the Lord Jesus Christ. That's what really matters. I sometimes I struggle with that.

Sometimes I want to have faith in the outcomes that have been promised to me by God, but that is the wrong thing to have faith in. Often times, I interpret the things God has promised me to be one thing, but they really end up being something completely different and ALWAYS BETTER. Turns out He really does know better than me. I don't know why I sometimes still struggle with that. The important thing is to have Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ and THEN the promised outcomes will fall into place. Not the other way around.

The past several months have been quite the roller coaster for me. Especially, the last week or so. I'm going on a mission, and I'm SUPER excited about it. I leave March 13. Leaving in March presents some interesting problems. The first of them is that I can't go to school because the semester ends in April. I was going to deal with this by just going to the first block of classes and take one class and then I would be able to keep working my BYU job. Well I found out last week that they changed the rules and you have to take six credits to work... that means I would end up paying more than I would make. Obviously, I am no longer going to do this. This was devastating for me. I need money. I need something to do. It seemed like the perfect solution, but obviously not. The Lord knows better. He understands my life much better than I do. So yet again, I need to trust Him.

Honestly, even if I died tomorrow I would be better off for making the decision to go on a mission. It has forced me to accept that God really does know better than me. I am doing what He has asked of me and so this experience is going to be for my benefit. That does NOT mean that everything will work out how I want it, but it does mean that it will all work out for my own good.

Finals. Need I say more? I switched my major to Business last year about this time.. Business is amazing and I love it, but it's hard. At least it is for me. This semester I took two of the hardest classes for business, or so I hear. I have worked my tail off in both of them. I did pretty badly in both of them as well. So frustrating. When I decided that I needed to change my major I prayed like crazy because I honestly didn't think I was capable of doing something that challenging. I made my decision, but I was still nervous.

That's when I read John 14:27, "Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid."

I felt very strongly when I read that scripture that it applied to my situation. I felt peace about changing my major, not because it made any sense like the world would think. I changed because I knew it was the better path for me. I was feeling peace because I can do anything with the grace that is provided to me through my Savior. When I felt this at the time I thought this would mean I would be blessed to be able to do well in my business classes if I put in my part. That has not always been the case.

I have been extremely blessed with my schooling, but I have struggled too. I put in 17 hours of studying for my Accounting final. So naturally, I thought I should do well. Nope. I bombed it. It's the lowest test score I've gotten at BYU and it's the test I studied the most for. You may think I'm exaggerating how bad my score was. Nope! It was bad. So bad that I'm too ashamed to post it...

I honestly, had some doubt there for a minute. I doubted God's plan for me. Why in the world did I feel peaceful about business if I was just going to fail?! True, I don't know that this one test score will make me not be able to get into the Marriott school, but it sure feels like it. I believe that for some reason or another God really needs my faith to increase. I need to have Faith in His son, Jesus Christ and the enabling power of His Atonement. This experience has just given me more reason to have to rely on that faith instead of faith in the promised outcome of being successful in my major, which is what I was promised in a blessing. Now, I know even more fully that I can't do this alone. The only way that I will be able to get into the Marriott school will be because that's what is right. And who knows? Maybe this is just supposed to take me down a path to something else. I have no clue, and that's OK. I'm not supposed to know the end. That's the whole point of having faith.

This past week has been a hard one, but I have been blessed to be able to feel my soul stretching. Faith is like a muscle in that way: the more we stretch and exercise it, the stronger it gets. Even though it's been hard, I'm thankful for these soul stretching days. They hurt in the moment, but as my mom so wisely put it, "the most important thing in our lives to accomplish is to move down the path towards salvation." That's what these days do. I'll take a bad test score and ruined plans if that's what I'm getting from it. Bring on the soul stretching! (Although, I wouldn't mind having a little break for the moment. ha!)

"an even greater yes"

I have recently been struggling with the perplexing matter of personal revelation. How am I supposed to know if it's God or just my thoughts? What if I'm interpreting my answer wrong? What if the answer I'm receiving feels like it's in complete objection to feelings of my heart? That last question is the one that has been plaguing me more than all the others. How am I supposed to follow the promptings I have received when they are in direct opposition to what my heart is wanting? The answer is that I can't do it. Not on my own, at least. I'm not even supposed to try to do this on my own. In thinking about this I read a talk by Elder Scott given in the most recent General Conference. One of my favorite quotes from that talk is this,

"Our Heavenly Father has not put us on earth to fail but to succeed gloriously. It may seem paradoxical, but that is why recognizing answers to prayer can sometimes be very difficult. Sometimes we unwisely try to face life by depending on our own experience and capacity. It is much wiser for us to seek through prayer and divine inspiration to know what to do. Our obedience assures that when required, we can qualify for divine power to accomplish an inspired objective."

I have learned just how true this is. I have decided to go against what my own selfish desires are and follow what the Lord has very clearly told me I have felt that extra strength. I know that I couldn't do this on my own, but with the Lord's help I am able to accomplish it because it is what He wants. And ultimately what He wants for me is really what I want for me.

Now that I have chosen this I have literally had help falling into my lap from every direction. It seems like every talk I stumble upon, every class I go to, and devotional I listen to was meant just for me. It was exactly what I needed to hear to sustain me. I have also had so many inspired family members and friends give me council that I dearly needed. One of the things that fell into my lap is a quote by Sister Holland in one of her opening devotionals at BYU.

"Sometimes in our sowing andreaping and sifting, it may seem that God say “no” or “not now” or “I don’tthink so” when what we want for him to say—what we wish our tapestry to receive—isan affirmative “yes” or “certainly, right now” or “of course it can be yours.”I want you to know that in my life when I have had disappointments and delays,I have lived to see that if I continue to knock with unshakable faith andpersist in my patience—waiting upon the Lord and his calendar—I have discoveredthat the Lord’s “no’s” are merely preludes to an even greater “yes.” I havelearned in the twenty-five years since I was your age that the very delays and denialswe worry about most, the very differences from each other that trouble ourself-esteem, are the differences and delays that are the very best for ourhappiness and fulfillment"

This is now one of my favorite quotes of all time. It is one of the main things that keeps me going even when my heart is trying to pull me in a completely different direction. A lot of power comes in knowing that if God is telling us no than all we have to look forward to is something even better. Yes, it's still hard, but having the help of the Lord makes the load a heck of a lot lighter.

"the hard is what makes it great."

http://kikicomin.com/

School is all about your attitude. If you expect to be miserable in a class you will be. If you expect to love a class you will. If you expect to get a bad grade you will. If you expect to do well you will. Obviously more goes into than just thinking, “oh I think I’ll get an A in that class…” You have to be willing to put forth the work because being successful will always require some amount of work. The trick is to want to do that work. The way to do that is your attitude. If you decide that you are going to love something and that you really do want to understand that subject on a deeper level then it won't seem like such a burden when you do all of your reading and homework. It can even become FUN, believe it or not. During the worst parts of classes you can see a bright side to it and it makes it much less unpleasant. For instance, I'm taking a business writing class and the whole first month is grammar... BLEH! I have always hated grammar. It doesn't come naturally to me at all. (But really who DOES it come naturally to, there are exceptions for EVERY rule!!! So confusing....) I started thinking about how horrible it was going to be, but then I remembered how that always makes things worse. So, I told myself all of the advantages of learning grammar. Like on my blog here, I could actually use correct grammar instead of just writing it the way I thought looked best. Once I started thinking of it that way I actually felt a little excited for grammar. 

If there is one thing I've learned, it's that knowledge is empowering. Any knowledge you can get is useful, if only for something good to talk about or being able to relate to more people. My grammar unit will actually empower me to be a more effective and powerful writer. (You can't deny that's empowering.) 

I was watching "A League of Their Own" the other day and this line really stuck out to me and I think it fits perfectly in with school and anything else in life that is hard. "It's supposed to be hard. If it wasn't hard then everyone would do it. The hard is what makes it great." School is hard. Heck! Life is hard, but that's what makes it great. There something about accomplishing hard things that brings incredible joy and satisfaction. When I heard this quote it made me think of all of my greatest moments and accomplishments, and I realized that they all came from something that was hard. The hard really is what makes it great and if we remember that then our attitudes will change towards hard things and then you can enjoy them even throughout the hard. 

my big, little brothers

I always knew that I had amazing little brothers, but I didn't fully realize just how blessed I am to have them until I came to college. I have now had several roommates tell me, after I told them something one of them has done for me, that their brothers would never do or say something like that for them... I was kind of blown away. But, it's made me observe them more closely and appreciate how incredibly good they are. So I thought I would pay them a little tribute today because really, they're great.

David William

Yes, he's a weirdy. But a loveable weirdy.

Dave and his unicycle.

• He's hilarious. He has all of these weird little phrases that, honestly, can be obnoxious but they're very endearing and soon enough you find yourself saying them too because they're dang catchy. ex: "YATAH", "This is my worst day!", "Aren't we all?", etc.

• He is an expert unicycler... weird, I know. He is all about getting into random things, but the cool thing is that he really does get into it. He is now a super good unicycler! He actually looks pretty legit while he's doing it too.

• He has excellent taste in clothing. David pretty much always looks good. He's a perfectionist and this shows in the way he dresses. Plus, he's always a good one to run an outfit by to get a boy's perspective. 

• He's always willing to talk to me on the phone, no matter what time of day or night. I have literally used and abused this... I get scared often and usually it's late at night so therefore I give Dave a call. He has talked me through some of my most ridiculous nighttime fears. I was also feeling really sick one morning (we're talking EARLY morning) and I couldn't get a hold of my parents so I called David. He talked to me even though I could tell he was really tired and it helped me calm down a lot (I was kind of freaking out because I hate throwing up... surprise, surprise.)

The term "little" just doesn't seem right now...

• He is very free with his complements. I can't even tell you how many times David has walked in the room and said something like, "wow Ann, you look good!" and then he goes beyond that and gives me details of why he thinks I look good so I know that it's genuine. 

• He talks me through my boy problems. I remember one time I was feeling really insecure about calling a boy that I was interested in, so of course I call David. Let me add that he was hanging out with his friends when I called and asked them all to be quite in the car so he could talk to me. Then he proceeded to listen to my illogical worryings and tell me that I shouldn't ever worry because I was beautiful and fun and any boy in his right mind would love to hang out with me. (I know, he's a little biased.)

• He is a spiritual powerhouse! He is very diligent about his scripture study and astounds me with his knowledge of things that seem way above what a 17 year old should understand.

Matthew Jerry

Yes Matty unicycles too.

• He has a very tender heart and a smile that heals. If you are having a bad day just tell Matty. He'll give you "the Matty look" and a big hug. It's impossible to not feel better after that.



Yeah he's not so little either.

• Matty is totally a ladies man. I'm one of those nosey sisters who always asks who he's texting and 9 times out of 10 it's a female. Figures. 

• Matty is selfless. He is always willing to do what no one wants to do, to sit where no one wants to sit, etc. 

• He is incredibly talented musically. He has a passion for music. Every time I come home he has a whole new list of songs to show me that he's found and I must say that he has good taste too. He's also the most fun to share new music with too. He shares your excitement which makes it all the more fun.

• He is SOO smart. It's kind of unreal. This boy knows so much and he is just good at school. It can be frustrating to have your little brother know more than you do sometimes.

• He knows tons of random facts and he spouts them off whenever they are relevant. I don't know where he gets these from, but he seems to remember everything he hears. 

• Matthew is an amazing runner. He has really stuck with cross country and it's impressive how well he does.

·Basically I have the best little brothers ever. Not to mention some of the best looking little brothers too. I'm so thankful for everything that they do for me and that they teach me through their examples. Love you Dave and Matty!