letter.twentytwo 08.26.2013 ^YOSO: you only serve once^

 

This week flew by! It started out great with a lesson with a new investigator that we found a few weeks ago. She is so keen! By the end of the lesson she was kind of rushing us out because she wanted to read the Book of Mormon so badly! She's amazing. She was so receptive to everything we were teaching. God has definitely prepared her for this. It's so fun to teach people like that.

Then the next day we had a pretty normal day, but we had a member coming to an appointment with us and she drove us, but the person wasn't home. That's always a bit awkward when you have a member with you, but I think it's because God knew we needed to talk to her. She is a counselor and she was telling us all about affirmations and other things that will help us as missionaries. It helped me remember the importance of them because I haven't looked at mine in a while. She reminded me of Grandpa Tanner. She kept telling us that we needed to visualize things happening and then it would! She said we can even thank Heavenly Father for things before we have them and if you really believe it then it will happen, as long as it's a righteous desire and God's will. I really need to work on that, I don't doubt God, but sometimes I doubt me. I know God could lead us to 10 new investigators a day, but I just think He probably won't. I'm such a doubter, but I'm working on it and so far it has been really good!

We were also able to go down to Busselton for exchanges this week. We went down on Thursday and got back on Saturday. It's about two hours away so all four of us stayed there and we switched companions part way through. It was SO much fun. It felt like we were going on holiday. The weather was absolutely perfect while we were there. The sisters we were with were amazing. It was just perfect. We found 11 new investigators in a little over 24 hours. It was great. We all worked really hard and had a lot of fun too. It was hard for us to leave because it had been so good. We had incredible experiences. Our theme of the exchange became YOSO (instead of YOLO) You only serve once, so give it everything you've got cause it's a short 18 months.

One of the most tender experiences was when Sister B and I were tracting a street and we saw a little boy, but all we do is say hi to kids because it can look weird if we try to preach to them and usually their parents get real angry. But, he came up to us and asked what we were doing. We told him that we were teaching people about God. Then we asked him is he knew anything about God. He said that he didn't. He asked us what house we were going to next and asked if it could be his house. We told him to go and ask his mum if it would be ok if we taught his family about God. So off he ran. Then we get to the house and meet his mum. She was pretty receptive and was ok with us coming back to teach more, but several of the other children were gathered around at the door too and when we asked if we could come back they were all begging her to let us come back. It was adorable. Kids are amazing. They really have such receptive and loving hearts. I love them!

We had another cool experience with that. While we were eating dinner in town this mum comes up to us and tells us that her daughter is too shy, but she wanted to thank us for being dressed so well and that we weren't wearing too much make up and to tell us that we were beautiful. That made our night, but what was better than that was after a while of talking to the mum her girls came over and we started talking about the gospel They were not only ok with the sisters coming over they said they would be counting down the days!  It was amazing! I LOVE kids!

It was such a fun trip and it even ended really well because the assistants drove us back up. It's always fun to road trip with them. They were my first zone leaders here and now they're assistants together and they are definitely the Elders that I have served the most with. They gave us advice and uplifted us the whole two hours home. It was awesome. Plus they're just fun people. I love being with other missionaries. It's the best:)

We had ten minutes left when we got home so we prayed and asked God to send us to someone. And at the last door we knocked on it was someone who had been so prepared! It was amazing!

We had stake conference on Sunday and it was incredible! All of the talks were exactly what I needed to hear! IT was so awesome. It was, yet another instance, when I couldn't even begin to doubt that God loves me, I could feel it through the speakers. And it was fun to see so many missionaries. President and Sister Lindsay came as well and of course all of the people from our ward went up to them and told them that they aren't allowed to move me... which means that I'll probably move this next transfer ha. But that's ok. I'll go wherever the Lord wants me, but it was really sweet of them to be so loving towards me. I love them a lot. I'll be sad if I have to leave them, but I know there will just be more people to love somewhere else.

We also finished reading the Book of Mormon as a mission this past week. I think I told you, but we've been highlighting the words of Christ and when anyone speaks of Him or about Him. It has been the most incredible experience. It was a bittersweet experience to finish it.

In Moroni 10:3 when it talks about pondering on the words of the Book of Mormon. I decided that's what I should do. So, after I read it I went to the blank pages in the back and I wrote down how reading it like this has strengthened my testimony and relationship with my Savior. It was a beautiful experience. I hadn't even realized how much it had grown until I wrote it down. It was a very tender moment when God allowed me to remember some of my sweetest experiences as I have read. I know that my Savior lives. I know that it is only through Him that I can do anything. I know that He has unfailing love for me. It's through Him that I will be sanctified and perfected. I am eternally grateful for that. I feel I understand the Character of Christ on a much deeper level and I want to continue to try to understand it more because I still have so much to learn. It has truly changed my life and my testimony.

Being a missionary is the best. I can't think of anything I would rather be doing. I love it! It brings so much joy even though it's not easy. I was just talking to Sister Bryce about how I cannot believe that I even thought about not going on a mission. Not that it's right for all girls, but it most definitely is for me. I have grown so much and I haven't even been out quite 6 months. I love this! Thank you for your love, support, and prayers. I love you all:)

letter.twentyone 08.18.2013 ^An Instrument In The Hands Of The Lord^

I had another great week here in Western Australia! We had exchanges this week and I was able to go to Murdoch university with Sister L (from China! how cool is that?!). It was AWESOME! Working at a university is incredible. Although when I first walked in the library it made me kind of miss studying at BYU. Didn't think that's what I would miss. It was just weird because it smelled JUST like the BYU library, but I got over it real fast. The students are so receptive and we were able to teach some incredible lessons. Sister L is on her last transfer and she's an excellent teacher. I was able to learn a lot from her. I think I benefit more from these exchanges than the sisters do! I love being able to learn different ideas from so many different sisters! It's amazing. We were also all able to contact people at an open day there. We set up a booth and we would talk with everyone who passed by and invite them to sign up for missionaries or a bible study class or FHE. SO many people were interested and it's the best way to get over any fears of contacting! Ah! I loved it!

The next day we were able to do a companionship study with another set of sisters who have been struggling. One of them has really wanted to go home.  She doesn't realize how great she really is. I was able to pull her aside and chat with her a bit. I talked to her about Dr. Taylor that I have been talking to and at first she had the same reaction that I did. She thought it was weird and embarrassing, but she and I have a really good relationship and I think she realized that if I could do it she could do it. I was able to tell her that she wasn't alone in thinking a mission is hard. She was one of the people that was told that missions are just amazing and they're like skipping in the sunshine. So it's been a real shock for her; especially because she's only been a member for about 3 years. She doesn't see how good she really is, but I think I was able to see more of the goodness that she has. I also felt strongly how much God loves her. I know that part of the reason that I have experienced the things I have was so that I could help her see that it's ok to need to talk to someone. Oh goodness I love her!

Speaking of Dr. Taylor I chatted with him again this week and we're actually going to be chatting less and less because I have been feeling GREAT! Not because everything has gone perfectly, but because I'm really learning how to “eat the carrot and throw away the whip”! I love it! He reminded me of some great things that I think a lot of people would disagree with, but I think he's spot on. He talked about how just because an area is struggling it doesn't mean the missionaries are bad. There are so many more factors that play too big of a role. It all comes back to just not comparing. Just measure yourself against yourself and the effort that YOU put in. Progress is what matters. Ah! I love it. It's hard to actually change my way of thinking to this, but it's happening slowly and I can already feel incredible effects!

Another cool experience of this week was on Saturday. We had all of our appointments fall through in the morning and people are not very fond of us knocking on their doors at 10am on a Saturday, but we really needed new investigators so we decided to tract. We prayed for a street and got out of the car to walk there and we saw a former investigator that we've been trying to catch up with since I came here. I only talked to her because I am really trying to talk with everyone, but I didn't think much would come of it. Oh me of little faith. She told us that she had kicked all of the bad people out of her house and that she had been praying and that she was ready to learn from us now! We have been working so hard and we have honestly had very little number success, which is ok, but I started crying when she told us that. Not like full on crying, but just wet eyes and I could feel so strongly that God loved her AND us! It was amazing!

I was also able to sing at a baptism on Saturday. That was an amazing experience. Singing is by far my favorite way to share the gospel because God really takes over and I can feel Him making my voice more than it is on my own. I can't even describe it. Music touches people's hearts in a way that nothing else can. I think I love it the most because I know it's not me. I know that without God, my voice would be nothing, but with my voice God touches people. He is the reason that the Spirit was there. I love that I get to literally be an instrument in God's hands.

And despite all of these incredible things that happened this week Satan tried his hardest to get me down. He tried to get me to compare and look down on myself. The punk. I wanted to give in, but I remembered the things that I have learned. I wasn’t going to let Satan poison the good that was happening. I'm glad he tried though because it gave me an opportunity to put into practice the things that I learned.

I learned today in my Book of Mormon reading that even Moroni compared himself sometimes! He asks God why he can't be mighty in writing like the brother of Jared, not because he wants people to think of him as awesome, but because he wants to help more people come unto Christ! He is also a little worried that the people may laugh at him. Turns out Moroni is human and I can totally relate to him. I just want to be better so I can help more people, but I loved the Lord's response to Moroni expressing his insecurities. He says,

"Fools mock, but they shall mourn; and my grace is sufficient for the meek, that they shall take no advantage of your weakness."

It doesn't matter if we're not as good as someone else because the meek or elect will listen and His grace is sufficient so that they won't be able to take advantage of my weakness. Then the Lord goes on to say that as we come closer to Him He will show us our weakness so that we can stay humble and so that we can improve. That's what it's all about! Improvement and progression come as a result of falling short. God is just keeping me humble and helping me to progress. It's a beautiful process. I am so thankful for the Savior’s grace. I couldn’t do it without Him. I am grateful that I'm not the perfect missionary because it's through the times that I fall short that I learn the most and I truly rely on the Savior and my relationship with Him is strengthened.

My testimony has been richly blessed through the experiences that I have had with others this week. As I mentioned before I have been able to see people for who they are and their efforts more this week. I have felt God's love so much more fully because of this. I can feel more of the intense and unconditional love that He has for all of His children. It is amazing to me. I felt that during my Book of Mormon reading today too. God told Ether to go and try again with Coriantumr because God loves him. Ether went and Coriantumer still rejected God's servant. As a missionary I pray to be sent to the elect and that is a good thing. Sometimes I get frustrated that I end up being led to a lot of people that aren't interested or who are but don't get baptized. I realized today that God loves His children so much that He may lead me to some so they can have the chance to have a better life. They may use their agency to not accept that, but God will still lead me to them because He loves all His children perfectly. I know that this means that He loves me perfectly and He doesn't get impatient with my imperfections, but encourages me to continue to press forward and use my agency to become more like my Savior.

I love you all and hope you MAKE it a great week! 

ps I have been having trouble sleeping and last night I was awake for about two hours so I decided to read the Ensign with a torch while I laid in bed. It was a blessing in disguise because a lot of the things I read were answers that I have been seeking! You should all read this ensign! It's AMAZING, especially the one on teaching and the one by Elder Oakes about revelation. SO good. :)

letter.twenty 08.11.2013

Oh man, this week has been amazing! So different than expected, but good. Sadly, I wasn't able to visit with the doctor this week so no updates from that, but I have been really trying to apply the things that he has taught me and it has made worlds of difference. I love how liberating it is to not feel like I HAVE to do things but that I WANT to do things! It's amazing! I love it. I am still doing the same things, but there is a lot less beating myself up and a lot more love and contentment.

This week was a bit trying for our faith. We went to our lesson with Claude, the zone leaders came with us to teach in French. When we got there he told us that he couldn't be baptized because of the responsibility that he has for his church. It was so sad. He knows the church is true but he is just too scared of the consequences that will come if he changes churches. I can understand that it would be scary, but it still breaks my heart. They are like my family. Like really, they want to fly me back from America to come and stay with them and see their baby. I love them with all my heart and it kills me but I hope and pray that some day they will join the church. That lesson was one of the most powerful lessons that I have ever been in. You could tell that all four of us were following the Spirit and we were bold and loving. It was the perfect example of doing all that you can and then people using their agency to choose not to accept it. It's so sad, but we keep moving forward.

Then on Friday we had a lot of free time because we're really trying to stop seeing so-so investigators and just spend our time with the elect or go out finding.

We really wanted to find a new investigator so we mapped out some potentials and we decided to walk and talk to EVERYONE and knock on a lot of door in between each potential. We decided to not come home for lunch until we had found a new investigator. We were supposed to be coming home at one... we found our new investigator at 3:30 and we were still a half hour walk away from home. God definitely let our faith grow. We found her when I was sure that we were just going to have to give up. I was honestly contemplating just going home because I had blisters on both of my feet and we were both getting a bit dehydrated, but we prayed really hard to be able to find one and we did! It was amazing. We had to walk for 4 hours to find her but it was worth it! We were soo sore for the rest of the week. The next day we could barely even move haha. It was hilarious. We looked like little old ladies. It was great.

Satan really tried to get us after that as well. We got a call from two of our sets of sisters saying that they had already found 11 for one companionship and 7 for the other companionship. I know that Satan was trying to make us feel like all the hard work and effort that we put into finding that one investigator was useless and that we should be better than that. I felt it for a moment, and then I remembered that I'm not doing that anymore. I sure want to find 11 investigators, but it's a want not a need so it's ok that it didn't happen; especially because success isn't measured by numbers. As it says in PMG, "your success as a missionary is measured primarily by your commitment." or as President Lindsay would say, your efforts. We definitely put in the efforts and so we can be satisfied with our work. This new way of thinking is so invigorating. I feel motivated to try harder instead of feeling like I should give up or work myself to death. I love it!

And then God was very good to us because He gave us a beautiful Sunday full of lovely people who we love and they love us. Sometimes on a mission you just need to feel people's love because often times you don't get that day to day, but I have been in this ward for a while now and so they really feel comfortable to me. I love being around them. They make Sunday's delightful. Especially Aeronny (the one who's been posting fb pics) She takes such good care of us AND she brought a non-member to church yesterday. She's gold. :) And so is her whole family. They make us feel loved and welcome. It's an amazing feeling. These are people I will never forget. They've already even showed me the room I will sleep in when I come back to visit ha. I love it:) There is so much love on a mission it's the best.

I also LOVE Sister F. We have such a good time together and we work hard. It's the perfect combo! She's so good at being herself all the time. Sometimes I fall into the bad habit of awkward missionary robot but she is helping me remember to really just be myself because God called ME to Perth, not just another missionary. I also noticed that, as I am more of myself, people are more willing to listen because we're real people instead of just weirdoes knocking on their door.

Most of all I know that Jesus Christ lives and that He loves us. I know that we will all stand before Him to be judged at the last day and that is why I need to be spreading this good news because His arm of mercy is extended to us always. All we have to do is accept it. I am so thankful to be able to teach people how to accept that help and show them a more beautiful and fulfilling way to live. I love that I am on that path too. We're all on the path together, just at different stages and the beauty is not in how far we are in comparison to others, but in the personal progression that can occur everyday if we let it.

Thank you all for your love and support. I know I say this every time, but it never stops being true, I love you and can feel your support. Thank you all for the many sacrifices that you have made and continue to make in my behalf. I'm so excited to have Elder Tanner our serving too! Woot woot! I can feel the power that comes from serving with those you love! He's going to be great. :)

letter.nineteen 08.05.2013 ^A.D.D.^

Sister Ann's district.

Well this week was another GREAT week! We had transfers and that was sad, again, but the good thing is that it was easier this time than last time. I'm getting better at this! I'm with Sister F now and oh man I love her. She's from Sydney/New Zealand and she's Tongan, so she can relate with everyone here haha. She and I have so much fun together. We've been in the same zone together for the whole time so I already knew her a bit.

The first day she was here we got locked out...for six hours. We locked pretty much everything in too so we couldn't even really do anything... needless to say we bonded real fast.

We had mission leadership council this week as well and that was AWESOME. I love that meeting so much. The assistants are now both my old zone leaders so we're like best friends with them so they made us do everything ha but they really helped us see a vision for the mission improving on teaching skills. I am so excited for teaching skills to be the focus this month! That's exactly what my investigators and I need.

We also found out in the meeting that we are now over Rockingham and Bunbury zones instead of just Rockingham. That means that we have 5 companionships, or about 1/3 of the sisters, to look after and to organize exchanges with. I am so excited! I love exchanges and we have fabulous sisters! They are amazing! It can be a bit intimidating because a lot of them have been out for quite a while and Sister F and I have only been out for coming up to 5 months, but Sister Lindsay told us that there is a reason that President called younger sisters in the mission and that he doesn't want us to ever apologize for what we don't know because we know enough... I hope that's true ha, but I am excited to love these Sisters to death! And a tender mercy is that one of them is Sister A (my MTC companion) so I get to speak with her all the time. I'm thrilled about that.

I also had another appointment with the doctor and it was incredible, yet again. He just explains things so perfectly. I love it. This week he helped me on the second step, which is breaking a bad habit. He gave me the acronym A.D.D. or Awareness Decision Distraction. You have to first notice the bad habit. Then you must decide that this is something that you don't want to do. Remind yourself of the commitment you made and why you made it. Remember that this negative thought(s) is wrong and that it's not a virtuous thought. Then distract yourself from it. Don't dwell on it. Don't worry about it. Just think of something else. Think about investigators, things you can do for your companion, or just something that takes your mind completely away from it. Don't try to convince yourself that you’re ok just move on and don't think about it. He said that this is a short-term solution but that as you do this process over and over again, eventually Satan will realize that he can't get to you this way anymore.

Then he went a bit more in depth about the awareness step. He said that I should look for times when I use the words and phrases “should”, “have to”, “can't”, “why didn't I” and such. He said that whenever you say “should” about something it causes guilt if you don’t get it. That guilt leads to stress and irritability. He said to replace those words with “wish” or
“want to”.

Frame the situation as a choice and then there will actually be more motivation to do it and you won't feel stressed and guilty.

*He compared it to hiking Mount Timpanogos with a gun to your head (in other words being forced) or hiking it because you want to. The first way would be stressful and fatiguing but the second way would be fun and invigorating, even though it's the very same activity.*

He also talked about how it's impossible to prioritize when you use the phrase “have to” because it makes everything first priority. It's not about changing what you're doing or doing less, but rather changing your view of it. It gives you degrees of freedom.

I have been applying that this week and it helps SO much. As I have felt myself saying, "I have to be on time to that meeting and I have to do my hair and I have to be home right on time" I feel the stress levels rise. But then when I change my phrasing to I want to do be on time and do my hair then I don't feel as stressed when I have to give something up. It's beautiful. I could have felt really stressed at MLC when they told me all these things they want us to be doing and on top of that giving us more sisters, but instead of saying I need or have to do things I phrased everything in that I wanted to do certain things with the sisters and I feel like a different person. It's hard to break my habit but it's crazy how much this is helping me. I love it! I am changing in so many ways.:)

Another amazing moment this week was yesterday, when an investigator that I've been teaching, but now has a baptismal date for the 24th of this month, came to church and he LOVED it! The ward really reached out and made him feel welcome. He's a paid minister for another church so if he would have had a negative experience I'm pretty sure he would have gone running back to his church, but this was great! It was beautiful to see. I love it when the members get involved. They do things that it's not even possible for missionaries to do. I love it!

Most importantly, this week I have really strengthened my relationship with my Savior. This week the Book of Mormon reading has really helped me. We have been reading in 3 Nephi when the Savior appears to the Nephites. The Savior's words are so powerful. I can see this whole scene playing out like a movie in my head and it really touches my heart. I know that Jesus Christ really did appear to the Nephites and that the words He spoke to them are true for me. I also love His incredible example of ministering one by one and teaching according to people's needs. He looks into their faces and knows what they need. As His disciples we should be doing the same thing. It helps me feel motivated to be more like Him.

I love you all and I am so grateful for your love and support. It really does make all the difference. Keep keepin' on!

letter.eighteen 07.29.2013 ^eat the carrot^

 My dearest family,

This week has been wonderful! Last week of transfers is becoming a favorite of mine. There is just more love flowing than normal because no one knows who is going to be leaving or if there will be a change. We found out that my companion and I will be separated. I'm going to miss her. She's an incredible missionary and we got along so well, but I'm excited to work with my new companion! She's been in our zone so I've worked with her a bit and I LOVE her! She's awesome!

One of the best things that happened this week was finally meeting an investigator that lives in our apartment block. She is a young, single mum and I LOVE her. She is so GOLDEN! She has a religious background so it all makes sense to her and she is super keen to learn more! You can tell she really listens when we speak. She also came to church on Sunday and the ward enveloped her in love and support. I have never seen the ward reach out so much. We even had a member call us after and say thank you for letting her meet her and that she wants to be her friend and come along to lessons! Say What?! Music to our ears! It was amazing! Our investigator loved church and before we could even invite her to come again next week she was like, "well yeah I loved that! I'll be back next week!" Woot woot! Now we just have to make sure Satan doesn't get to her because he can be quite obnoxious that way.

Another cool experience was on Saturday we were going out to tract and I was really struggling to have the desire and to just know where to go. So we stopped and we prayed. I prayed so hard for the desire and energy to be able to not just go out, but to go out with my whole heart and that we would be lead to the elect. I have never been good at praying for a street, but I really wanted to try it again so we prayed for quite some time. I wasn't even sure what I was feeling, but I felt slightly inclined to a specific suburb after a lot of prayer and pondering. Then I noticed a few streets, but I was pretty sure I just noticed them because they were weird names. So we decided to go there and try it out because we had nothing else.  I was praying to have the faith to find the elect. We came to the street and we had to decide whether to go right or left. Left was much more logical, but I decided to say a quick prayer and I felt we should go to the right so we did. Then I was praying to know which house (we don't go to them all at night because it can be unsafe.) One house stood out to me so we pulled over and knocked on the door. These three adorable children came to the door and their dad. The dad was Atheist but very kind and the kids were super receptive. They loved hearing about the Book of Mormon. It reminded me of all of the times that Christ said that we should become like a child. They were so prepared to hear the gospel and they want to learn more. The 11 year old girl after we read the scripture looked at me and said, "wow I really liked that!" I was a bit taken off guard. I didn't even think she would understand it. They are amazing and next time we're hoping to get their mum involved too, but the kids are keen to learn and the dad is totally fine with it! It was amazing! God was so good to us. I love teaching kids. They are amazing!

Another highlight of the week was interviews with President. It's always nice to chat with President. He is so inspiring. I talked to him a bit about how I always feel guilty about not doing enough and that it can really get me down and he was very helpful, but he also said that if I wanted to that I could talk with the area doctor over emotional and mental health over the phone. I said I would be ok because the thought of that made me feel like I was weak, especially since none of my siblings had to. Then, as the day went on I had those feelings of guilt again and I realized that I was being prideful to not talk to the doctor. What would it hurt? So I phoned President and told him that I would like to chat with the doctor. I talked to him today and it was AMAZINGLY helpful.

He really helped me identify some things that are a part of my habits and really my nature now that I can actually change. I have been praying to Heavenly Father to help me change the part of me that is too hard on myself and I really feel like this was my answer. Mom and Dad, you would have loved it! He told me, after we had chatted for a bit that I use a carrot and stick motivation system. That means that I always feel like there is more to do so I never "eat the carrot." The stick is all of the negative thoughts that I say to reprimand myself.

Then, he said that there is a motivation system that God uses that works much better. That is a value/love based motivation. You do things because you believe that they're true and that right thing to do. You do it because you love. That is what motivated the Savior. I do have some of that in me, but I fall into the carrot and stick trap all the time. He said that when you put the wrong kind of pressures on yourself then you have all of these opposing forces that come after you too that push you down and that it can eventually decrease your values and love. So he told me that I have to eat the carrot, but I told him I had NO clue how to eat the carrot.

He said you have to first BELIEVE that you can eat the carrot and throw away the stick. Then you have to break an old habit. Today we talked about the first part, believing that eating the carrot really is the right thing to do. He talked about how in D&C 121 it says "let virtue garnish thy thoughts, THEN shall thy confidence wax strong in the presence of God." He then informed me that it is not virtuous to think negatively about myself.  If I want the blessing of confidence in my ability as a missionary then I really have to eliminate those negative thoughts.

Then he had me imagine what the Savior would say about my missionary service. He said He would give me love and appreciation and that would motivate me to do and be better.  My performance and effectiveness would increase more from that than if the Savior reprimanded me the whole time.

He also pointed out that when I feel excessively guilty and down on myself after a meeting or study that that is Satan.  Satan can't get me to do the obviously bad things so he will try to make me overdose on the good because that will lead me to crash and burn. I need to remember whenever I start to feel those feelings of guilt and low self worth that those are not from God. God teaches us bit by bit and He helps us see the good as we try bit by bit to become even better. That really opened my mind. I have heard all of these principles before, but hearing them put together like that really made it make sense.

Then when I was reading in the Book of Mormon this morning I read in Helaman 13:29 "how long will ye choose darkness rather than light?" I felt God telling me that this is something that I need to truly believe in because it is the way of light and happiness. God doesn't want me to be miserable, that's Satan. God wants me to have peace and satisfaction and GRADUAL growth on my pursuit of perfection. I am really going to try to really strengthen my belief that it is ok to eat the carrot instead of thinking that that will mean I never realize my full potential. I realized this will help me be able to soar to greater heights than I could if I kept going in the "never quite good enough" way.

It was amazing when I was saying my prayers, I felt very clearly that this is one of the reasons I needed to come on a mission. To resolve this problem because as God has told me time and time again, He has great things in store for me and I need to be prepared. I am so excited to learn how to do this better and through the enabling power of the Atonement be able to overcome this weakness. It's so exciting! I LOVE being a missionary. God takes such good care of me.

I love you all. Thank you for your love and support. You mean the world to me!  Make it a great day!

letter.seventeen 07.21.2013 "you can chaaaaage!"

This week has been a great one, yet again. I was really sad to say goodbye to my mini missionary. She and I had an incredible experience together.

It was a very wet beginning of the week. We all went to the zoo as a district last Monday, but it was pouring rain. It actually made it even more fun though. We were all laughing and trying to stay semi dry. It was a great bonding experience. We have the best district. Also, I got to hold a bird and pet a kangaroo! I feel like my Aussie experience is much more complete now. I'll send pictures. One of my favorite women in the ward also came with us too. She is so good to us as missionaries. She took us all out to hot chocolate after. She makes us feel like we have a friend and a mom here. I love her. I want to be that for other missionaries when I get home. 

at the zoo.

with her mini misisonary: sister woo

Sister Woo and I had many miracles! We set two baptismal dates. It was amazing. One was with an investigator who has had such a hard life. Being able to watch the dramatic change in him has been such a privilege. It's the best part of missionary work! Then the next time my companion and I went back he told us he had quit smoking! He's amazing.

A hilarious experience Sister Woo and I had was on Tuesday. We ran out of k's on our car because we've had to drive to a lot of meetings this month. So, we had to ride bikes. It was all good except that the wind was so strong that we had to exert all of our energy to try to even get down hill. On our way home we had to eventually get off of our bikes because the wind was blowing us off the sidewalk into the road. Then, it started pouring rain. Not just like a little, but like pelting us so bad that it hurt. It felt like someone was throwing rocks at us. But we were both just laughing our heads off. It was so hilarious! We had to actually stop for a minute because we were laughing so hard. You know how I can get when I laugh. Man, sometimes it just feels so good to have a laugh like that. Who knew it would be a crazy down pour? I went to bed exhausted that night.

This week I've really been struggling with guilt. I find myself always feeling guilty that I'm not doing this or that I could be doing better with that and so on and so forth. I've realized how limiting this can be because sometimes it just makes me want to give up trying altogether. But, I knew that wasn't right. I realized that I think the root of my problem was that I was comparing myself. I'm so bad at that sometimes. I realized that it had to change, but I honestly wasn't sure how in the world I could change that. Then, I read a quote on the conference calendar by Elder Bednar,

"Every appetite, desire, propensity, and impulse of the natural man may be overcome by and through the Atonement of Jesus Christ. We are here on the earth to develop godlike qualities and to bridle all the passions of the flesh."

God is so good at lovingly reminding me that all things are possible through the Atonement of Jesus Christ. I realized that I was doubting the power of the Atonement if I decided that part of my natural man couldn't be changed. So I started pleading with God to help me know how to change that part of my nature. I really wasn't sure how at all. God overwhelmed me with answers. I still don't have the whole and perfect solution, but God is giving it to me piece by piece so that I can work on it bit by bit. I think He knew that I couldn't turn it off immediately, but that I could if I applied different principles one at a time. I have been receiving answers in various ways but the main way is through my Book of Mormon reading. Oh man, I love the Book of Mormon! I have never loved it so much.

(Sidenote, they should totally make a movie of the book of Alma. I felt like I was reading a novel because it was so hard for me to put down!)

I'll spare you all the details of my reading and just share the jist. The main point God is getting across to me is humility and all the different things it encompasses.

In Alma 59:1-2 Moroni is an amazing example of humility. He hears about Helaman's success and instead of thinking, "oh man, why can't I have those kind of success stories?? I must not be as good as Helaman." It says that, "he was exceedingly rejoiced because of their welfare." and that to really show his humility he went out and "made it known unto all his people." He was embarrassed that Helaman had more "success" than he did. He realized that it didn't devalue him to let everyone else know about Helaman's success. I was able to practice that the very night I learned about it. We had a dinner appointment and my companion did the thought and the family raved about how amazing she was and how mature and so on and so forth. I was tempted to feel down that I'm not as good as her, but then I remembered Moroni and said a little prayer for help and instantly I was filled with love and appreciation for my companion. I didn't feel undervalued, I felt empowered by her goodness and it helped me love her more unconditionally. Such a liberating feeling!

Another amazing example is Pahoran who got chewed out by Moroni because Moroni doesn't understand what's actually happening.(I do that all the time. I love Moroni!) But Pahoran handles it so well. He doesn't get defensive he says in verse nine, "you have censured me, but it mattereth not; I am not angry, but do rejoice in the greatness of your heart." Umm WOW! He was choosing to see Moroni for his intentions instead of his actions. I have been working on that too. Choosing not to be offended. Choosing not to feel judged. I am going to choose to see people for the intentions and desires of their hearts. It has already helped me.

I don't even have time to tell you how God answered me perfectly in Sacrament meeting too, but it was incredible. It's like the whole meeting was for my needs. God really takes care of us when we put in the effort. He has been so good to me. In a week that could have been so hard, He has given me beautiful tender mercies and miracles to sustain me through all of my negative self talk and then once I asked, He helped me overcome the negative self talk. God is so good. I feel overwhelmed with love and appreciation for the Savior and His Atonement. That's my favorite part of being a missionary! People can change! Myself included. I learned it best from my own mother who never says she's too old to change. That's what this life is all about, preparing to meet God through CHANGING our natures! I feel so blessed to have that empowering knowledge. As Alan and Alexis would sing, "you can chaaaaange!"

I love you all. Thank you for the love and for the support. I can feel it. It was tangible this week when times got hard. Know that I'm praying for you as well. 

letter.sixteen "the errand of angels"

Dearest Family,

This week has been great! In Australia they do these things called mini missions where the youth come on a mission for a little while and I have a mini missionary right now! Her name is Sister Woo and she's 16. I love her so much. She is adorable. She'll be with me for a total of 5 days and she's completely a missionary, rules and all. My companion has a mini missionary too. It's such a smart idea to have them all be able to try it out and see what missionary work is really like and the amazing things that can come from it. I feel so blessed to have her with me.

We also had zone conference this week and it was inspiring and so much fun. It was all on planning and the assistants made it fun and exciting. I know it sounds weird that planning is fun, but turns out it can be. Although, I am a bit of an organization freak so maybe that's why I love it so much. My companion and I were also able to sing at zone conference so that was really fun. I love it whenever I get to sing. I feel like I can bear my testimony much more effectively through song.

One of the things that really touched me at zone conference was when the stake president spoke. He talked about the rippling effect we would have as missionaries. I had this vision of what I really can accomplish as a missionary and as a member of the church. I may not know the fruits of my mission until the next life, but I know that it's worth it. I felt so inspired after zone conference to "make it happen" as President Lindsay would say. He is all about empowering us to make things happen instead of waiting for someone else to tell us what to do or waiting for the perfect people to come to us. We have to set goals that we feel are accepted by God and then we need to LIVE for our goals. Ah! It's so awesome. Honestly, mum and dad would have been ALL over this training. So good. It's all about having a vision of what we can achieve and become.

I can't remember if I shared this before, but one of my favorite quotes from President was, "Everything of value is created twice. Once spiritually and once physically." As you look at God's pattern of creation it's true. I have felt the power of planning in missionary work.

I have decided also that it must be my calling to help troubled women on my mission. This past week I have had the privilege of talking with many women. Some of these women have been through things that I cannot even comprehend. They have been scarred and battered, but they are trying their best to keep the faith. I honestly feel a little overwhelmed by it sometimes. I don't know how to help these women and I'm not even supposed to counsel them as a missionary, but I can help them look to the Savior. That is one of the best feelings I have had on my mission. I am able to testify to them that God loves them. That they are His noble daughters and that He is pleased with their efforts. My heart literally feels like it's going to break for these women, I love them so deeply, but I know that the Savior loves them even more because He knows perfectly what they are going through. He will be there with them if they will only ask. They may feel completely alone, but they aren't. I love being able to testify of the Savior's love because every time I do I can feel His love for them more acutely. It's an incredible feeling.

A word I have come to love even more on my mission is heal. The Savior really does heal us. I have watched Him heal those that I have worked with and I have felt Him heal me. Last night we were teaching a boy who has been hurt and misguided in almost every way. He is trying to unlearn everything he thought to be true and replace it. I was able to testify to him that this process is not on his own and that the Savior will be there for him every step of the way. To see the change in his countenance was incredible. He went from depressed to smiling huge. I didn't even know it was possible for him to smile so big! He is so excited to be baptized. I feel so privileged to be a part of the "errand of angels." I love being a missionary! There are miracles all around us.