"How Can I Keep from Singing?"

For my voice lessons my teacher asked me to choose one sacred song to sing. I was in a rush so I just looked through a website fast and chose "How Can I Keep from Singing?" because I've always thought it was pretty and I really can't keep myself from singing most of the time. Last minute I decided that I would rather sing a Christmas song for my sacred piece so I printed out a pretty version of "Silent Night" as well.
When I got to my lesson I told my teacher that I wanted to sing "Silent Night" instead and he told me that that would be fine, but that he still wanted me to sing "How Can I Keep from Singing?" as well. Then, we started going through it. I kept getting confused because the words were so different then I had heard them before. That made me start paying more attention to what I was actually singing. I noticed that it really was different and it was different in a very good way. After I was done singing my teacher was telling me how much he like that arrangement because it had gone back to the original words. He told me that at some point some folk artist had sung the song and changed the words so that Christ was no longer in it and now that's the version that most people sing. Because of this I wanted to go home and really read the words to the song I was singing and see what the actual story of it was. I had no idea what an effect it would have on me.
I realized that it was describing exactly how I feel! Below are the lyrics of the original version. Don't just skim them. READ them. Think of the powerful message that they tell.

My life flows on in endless song;

Above earth's lamentation,

I hear the sweet, tho' far-off hymn

That hails a new creation;

Thro' all the tumult and the strife

I hear the music ringing;

It finds an echo in my soul--

How can I keep from singing?

What tho' my joys and comforts die?

The Lord my Saviour liveth;

What tho' the darkness gather round?

Songs in the night he giveth.

No storm can shake my inmost calm

While to that refuge clinging;

Since Christ is Lord of heaven and earth,

How can I keep from singing?

I lift my eyes; the cloud grows thin;

I see the blue above it;

And day by day this pathway smooths,

Since first I learned to love it;

The peace of Christ makes fresh my heart,

A fountain ever springing;

All things are mine since I am his--

How can I keep from singing?

I almost feel like this song could have been written for me. How else could it say exactly the way I have been feeling. There are hard times, but when I am clinging to Christ I know I can make it. I know that because I am His all thing really are mine. I think the line that hit me the most powerfully is "And day by day this pathway smooths, Since first I learned to love it." Recently I have really felt this strongly. I have really felt this pathway to Christ and eternal life has smoothed since I have learned to love it. At first this path is jarring and it seems to be full of dips, bumps, tree roots and stray rocks that almost give you a little bit of whip lash. But now it is much more smooth, not easy just more smooth. In fact sometimes it seems that it's turning into a huge hill that you can barely keep moving forward, but when you realize that this is the only way to what you want and that it in reality is the most rewarding, you love it. Then, when it gets harder it's not like it was before because you understand a little better the eternal perspective. It doesn't seem like there are so many dips and bumps because you have a different perspective now. You don't see those little things as bad anymore. They are wonderful because they are a part of the incredible path that you have chosen to take. When you know these things, really how can you keep from singing?! Sometimes I feel so overwhelmed with the love of God that I can't help but share it with everyone around me. It's such an incredible truth and the warmth and love and satisfaction that comes from it is something that I want everyone to be able to experience.
I know that it wasn't by mistake that I sang this song. I know that it was a tender mercy of Heavenly Father to help me understand more fully the way I've been feeling. I am grateful for a teacher that wouldn't let me just sing a Christmas song. I am grateful that I have this incredible truth and light in my life. I know that this is the way to peace, happiness and love. So really, how can I keep from singing about it?

the good life

I was really excited to start this new semester of school, but little did I know that it would be much more fun then I ever imagined. I have been so blessed. I live in an amazing apartment with amazing roommates and I have pretty much the best ward ever. I have been so incredibly blessed. I even love most of my classes. I have learned so much this semester. I have been able to take two incredible religion classes. It's amazing that the more I learn about the gospel and more especially my Savior, I am really learning more about myself. I feel so blessed to be here at BYU where I can have the opportunity to have religion as a part of my education because it really has made all the difference. Mostly I just love life and I feel so blessed to have such a good one!

so... I was wrong about running...

I never ever thought that I would say this.... but I really like running. I started running about a month and a half ago. I only started because I wanted to get in shape and everyone said that it was the best way to do it. I was prepared to hate every second of it. I was pleasantly surprised. I actually enjoyed it. Before when I have ran I felt sick after, my whole body was sore and I would cough for the rest of the day.  I think one of my main problems was my attitude. I was only running because I was being forced to so I wasn't trying to enjoy myself. This summer I was running with a purpose. I wanted to be fit and so I was willing to go through whatever pain it took to get there. I was trying to make it an enjoyable experience and it really has been. Now I can actually go on a run without feeling like I'm going to die. I love it because it makes me feel more awake and alert. I love it because I feel better about myself. I love it because it makes me feel a sense of accomplishment. Running has become one of the "roses" in my life rather than the dreaded weed it was before.

"judge not that ye be not judged"

I don't claim to know a lot, but having lived for nineteen years I have learned a few things. Recently I've thought a lot about judging. It's something that I have struggled with myself and I think it's one of the hardest commandments to follow because it's so much a part of so many of us. We all have different things that we judge people for. For some it's the way people dress, for others it's the way people speak. There are millions of different things that different people judge others for.  Some people even judge others for being too righteous. I honestly can't think of anyone that I know that isn't entirely void of it; it's part of the natural man.
Being judged by others is hard, especially when it's people you really care about. One thing that I have done to handle this better is to take it in stride. It doesn't matter if people think that you should do things differently because it is ultimately your choice. We all need to decide for ourselves what we think is right and wrong. Don't get me wrong, I don't think that you should ignore what others say because a lot of older people really do know better. What I'm saying is that they don't always know what is right for you and that is what is bad about judging. No one knows exactly what is going on inside someone's head. They don't know why they do the things they do. Therefore, it is never their place to judge. I'm not saying you can't observe what others are doing and think to yourself that you don't agree with what they are doing, that is righteous judgement, but I do think that it isn't our place to look down on them because of it. It is much more important to be love.
I think college helped me see how bad it is to judge even more clearly. I was around a lot of incredible people, but we all have different standards in different areas. Things that I felt like need to be followed very strictly others didn't and vice versa. I've found that that seems to be one of the mail causes of judging. We all have different ideas but that does not always mean that one way is right or wrong. That has been the biggest help to me in not judging others. I'm still not even close to perfect at it, but it has helped me a lot.
Judging is a nasty trap of Satan's that can ensnare event the best of us. It's something that I want to try to avoid even more in my life so that I can become more like our Savior who was the best example of this to ever live. And what's more is I want to work on not letting the sting of offense and hurt that accompanies someone's judgement of me to ruin a day or especially a friendship. This is my life. I have felt my Savior's love telling me that he is pleased with me and that is more than enough because he is the ultimate judge and as long as a try a little harder every day to be a little better I think I'll be just fine.

the parting of ways

When I graduated no one warned me that graduating doesn't just hurt then. You say your goodbyes to people and it hurts. I knew that was coming. What I didn't know is that the hurting doesn't stop. I thought as soon as I went to college everything would be great because I would make all new friends and forget about the people I knew and loved in high school. I was wrong. Even though I made many new friends they couldn't altogether fill in the gaping hole in my heart. How I ever thought that I would be able to replace the people that I had known for so many years is a mystery to me. So many of my friendships were more than just a friendship, it was love. Not in the romantical way, but in the pure, beautiful way. I realized that I cared more about these people than I ever thought possible. They were like my family and you don't just say goodbye to family and then forget about them. It's just not that easy. The smallest things would remind me of them. What was even harder was the ones that were gone on missions so that they weren't just a phone call away. There were times when all I would have to hear is a song and I thought my heart would rip out of my chest.
It may seem that I'm being ridiculous because no one in high school could have formed that many close bonds with people, but I truly did. I had the unique opportunity to be a Student Body Officer at my high school. At my high school there were nine of us SBO's and we worked our tails off. We were in charge of a lot of events that we spent thousands of hours working on. I literally spent my entire senior year with them and because of this they became my family. They would not have been the family I would have chosen for myself, not that I didn't love all of them, I just didn't know how each one of them could effect me in such a different, but important way. Heavenly Father knew that I needed them in my life. Looking back I can see His hand in every step of the way.
I grew to love these people with all of my heart. I knew pretty much everything about them and they knew everything about me. I had a lot of other close friends from before, but it was different with the SBO's. We had a bond that I can't even describe. Sure, we had our hard times and we definitely didn't always get along. Not even close. But I think that is part of what made us close. We weren't faking it for each other. We were the real deal with each other and we loved each other regardless. I think that is the most powerful lesson I learned from SBO. I learned that people could love me for me. I didn't need to try to be something I'm not. That fact changed who I am today. I am a much happier person because of it.
It may seem random that this post is coming now, but I have been trying to cope with the hurt all year. It was hard for me to even look at the current SBO's pictures on Facebook because I was so jealous of the memories that they were making. Not that I wanted to go back to high school because I didn't at all. I just missed the times that I had had and I knew that it would never be the same. Earlier today I saw my senior yearbook on my floor so I decided to look at some of the notes in it. When I was looking at the ones of my SBO friends I felt that deep pain again and I knew that I had to come to so resolution because I didn't want to hurt anymore, but as I wrote this I came to a realization. The pain is worth it because I have the memories. I wouldn't take those back for the world. I am ready to fully embrace the new life that I have and to look back on those times with pure delight. Yes, there will be times of pain, but I can take it. How blessed I am that the hurt I feel is missing the good times I have had. Rather than hurting because I never had them at all.

just for me

I made this blog for me and me alone. If anyone chooses to read it then so be it, but you will not find eloquence or wit. I just wanted a journal with pictures and this is the easiest way. I'm not a writer and that's what has been holding me back from starting this, but since I made this just for me I don't have to worry about that.  So here goes nothing!