letter.three 04.03.2013

What a week! Missionary work is seriously the best thing EVER! I hope you all realize that you are literally getting a small taste of everything that is happening. I would have to write for hours to say all of the wonderful things that are happening.

Also, they told us that they turned our names in for temporary reassignment and we should know what those are tomorrow so we should be able to call or email that info tomorrow. I would guess that we will leave on Monday. They said if our visas come before we leave to our temp mission that they will send us to Australia instead and our visas could come any day so PRAY HARD! But whatever is right will happen and I know God knows much better than I do. Plus, I didn't come on my mission to do what I wanted to do. I want to be able to say that "I have suffered the will of the Father from the beginning." So if that means going to Montana for a while, so be it! :)

Mom got a call from Sister Tanner yesterday, she is heading to a temporary assignment in Kennewick,Washington on Tuesday unless her visa comes before then.

So here are some highlights:

Zone teaching with Brother Elton we talked about how to help motivate people to progress is to change their vision of what they can become. He read us a quote by Elder Oakes that says, "When we have a vision of what we can become, our desire and power to act increase enormously." Man! How true that is. Sometimes I forget that it's not enough for ME to see my investigators as they can become. That's the first step, but I have to help THEM see what they can become. He gave the example for Les Miserables of the Bishop finally showing Valjean who he really could become and that's when he actually felt motivated to change. I think it's actually very similar to mom's "water what you want to have grow." If they never know their potential, they'll never try to get there.

On Thursday we watched a video by Elder Holland that talked about how when we are with investigators that the Spirit should be so strong that the earth is almost trembling. I watched that and I knew that's what I wanted for my investigators. I was trying to do everything in my power to have that kind of lesson. I was praying my guts out and studying and trying to follow the Spirit. Then we went into our lesson and I was trying to listen to the Spirit and I was praying for that and it didn't come. It was still a good lesson but I felt like everything I said was meh. My companions were on fire though. They were saying powerful things! I was glad the lesson went well but I was so frustrated that I had been praying so hard to do the right thing but then it felt like I couldn't do it. I felt like it would have been better if I had just kept my mouth shut. So we go back into class and eventually when Brother Dickey (who was playing Fred, our investigator) came back in he demonstrated a lesson. I felt the Spirit so strongly. I felt that feeling, but honestly it just made me feel worse because I felt like I could never do that. My companions could and Brother Dickey could, but clearly I was just not good enough. So naturally, I started crying. It's embarrassing that I have literally turned into a water fountain here. My poor district ha! So Brother Dickey asked me what was wrong and I told him how frustrated I was and everything that had happened. He told me that maybe why I wasn't feeling that was because I was like a fish in water. They don't know they are in water because they are always in it. He said he felt like I always was speaking by the Spirit so maybe it was harder for me to recognize. I still wasn't sure about that though.

Then he told me that maybe part of the reason God was waiting to help me have that experience was for my investigators, so I could relate to them. Then he had me watch "Trust in the Lord" by Elder Scott. It was perfect. I felt so strongly that it wasn't because I was doing anything bad that I hadn't had that experience. It was because Heavenly Father wanted to refine me. Turns our refining is super painful.... but worth it. Then I realized how much Fred (our investigator) really had the same problem and how now I could relate to him. I also felt God tell me that this would be important for me to relate to a LOT of future investigators. It reminded me of a blessing given to me by Scott before I left telling me that some of the hard things I was going through were because God wanted to bring me further on the path of perfection and so I could relate to others. I was feeling a lot better.

Then the next day we studied hard for our next lesson with Fred. I felt like we should sing for him. We decided on the first and last verse of "I Believe in Christ." We put a lot of effort into it so that our lesson would be great and so that the song would sound good too, with Heavenly Father's help because Sister Benjamin and I were still a little sick. Then we went to our lesson and we sang. It happened. The Elder Holland moment I had been waiting for. We were all bawling. I felt the Spirit so strongly testifying of the truth of the words, but more importantly, FRED felt the Spirit. He told us the parts that stood out to him. He always talked about how it all sounded too good to be true. But when we sang about how from Christ we can "gain our fondest dream," he said he felt like it really was possible. He also loved when it said, "And while I strive through grief and pain, his voice is heard, 'ye shall obtain!'" He said it felt like he really would be able to be with his wife again. The Spirit helped him see who he really could become. He basically committed himself to baptism! He asked us what he needed to do to gain his fondest dream. It was such an amazing experience. Then I was able to tell him about my experience with wanting an answer from God and how I had to wait but then it did finally come and it came at the best time for me and for all involved. I was able to help him see that the wait doesn't mean that God doesn't care about us, it's because he DOES care about us so deeply. He knows what's best.

Then I was able to see in my mind Fred and his wife(who died from cancer) in the Celestial Kingdom holding hands, eternally happy. I was able to testify of who he really could become. I felt so overwhelmed with the Spirit. I'm glad that God had me wait. It made the experience all the more special. I don't know why I keep thinking that I know better. Someday I'll learn my lesson. :)

Easter was amazing here. It was fast Sunday, which was really neat. I was fasting for a lot of things, but one of those things was that I would be able to have a better knowledge and understanding of the Easter story. I was fasting for a really good experience with it that day. Then in our big combined sacrament meeting (the whole MTC) Bishop Causse talked about how we can get that by our study of it. Then we watched Bruce R. McConkie's last talk about the Atonement and he said that we could have a perfect knowledge of it (the Atonement) just as he did if we studied it. I knew God was telling me that I could have that experience I wanted but I had to put in the time and effort and not just expect to get it from a devotional. But God also let me know how happy He was with how far I had already come in my knowledge of the Atonement. But I can learn more. I loved when Elder McConkie said that when he kneels at the Savior's feet and touches the wounds he will not know any better than he knows now that He is the Savior. Wow. I don't think I'm there yet, but I am definitely on my way there. It may take awhile but I'm determined to get there.

Funny moment from Easter. (ps I do have a lot of hilarious moments I just feel like they aren't as cool as the spiritual moments so I forget to write about them, but don't worry I'm laughing my head off and having fun all the time!) So we were in that huge sacrament meeting, so cool, and I was SOOO tired. Common theme for me here. So eventually I have to rest my head in my hands a bit because it was just too painful. Next thing I know my head hit the Elder in front of me back. BAHAHAHA soooo funny! I was dying. Who does that!? Like, oh yeah, no big deal, I just head butted someone during sacrament meeting.... ha I need to learn how to be able to fall asleep more quickly at night so I'm not so tired every day. But don't worry it didn't take away from the Spirit too much and then I was WIDE awake.

Also, Easter evening Sherri Dew came and talked and it was seriously amazing. Hopefully Sister Benjamin is sharing some of what she said because I am running out of time. But it was AWESOME!

Brother Dickey took us on a "picture walk" on Monday during class. The main building of the MTC has TONS of pictures of Christ in it so he had us be completely silent and ask God a question and then write down in our notebooks what He told us and we looked at pictures of Christ. It was one of the most beautiful experiences of my life. Honestly, some of the things God told me on that walk are as sacred and special to me as my patriarchal blessing. One of my questions was how I could be more Christ-like when I have such a strong and often difficult personality. I have been trying really hard but right before that, some people were kind of telling me that I still wasn't very good about it. I was feeling really discouraged. So I was pleading with God to tell me how to master my personality. As I walked I saw a picture of Christ turning the tables over at the temple. God told me that Christ had a strong personality too. He was bold and He did have righteous anger. I have the personality I have for a reason and it is a wonderful personality. God wants me to be bold and strong. Yes, I do need to work on the faults that come along with my personality and I have a long way to go before I'm like my Savior, but God also helped me see how far I really have come.

Another discouraging moment. We had been talking about "teaching people, not lessons" and I felt like my companions and I were doing pretty well with this. But then our teachers started talking about how you still have to teach the doctrine because that's what changes people. So my companions and I planned a doctrinal lesson for Fred. We tried to still make it for Fred though so it would still be teaching a person. We felt very prepared. Then when we went in our lesson took a whole different turn because the Spirit led us in that direction. He prayed with us and then we had him listen for what God would say to him after he prayed. It was amazing! He literally communicated with God and he knew it was from God. God told him some very specific things that he needed to hear. It was awesome but we didn't get to teach any of the doctrine we had planned really. So then Brother Dickey came to class and was telling us all how we all need to remember to teach doctrine. I was SO frustrated. I didn't feel like I knew how to teach doctrine and people! Brother Dickey, who's a mind reader, could tell that I was frustrated. So he talked to me and I told him why I felt so frustrated. He tried to help me see that because we followed the Spirit that was the right thing and how Fred learned the doctrines from GOD instead of us which is how it should be! But.... I was still feeling frustrated. I thought he was just telling me that to make me not feel bad because he's a nice person. But then we went to dinner and by the end of dinner and talking with my companions I realized that we really did have a good lesson and doctrine was taught. When we got back Brother Dickey had written me one of the kindest notes I had ever received about the missionary that he saw me as. He compared me the sons of Mosiah and Paul and Jacob. Honestly, he was probably a little too nice but it was so nice to hear that someone didn't think I was making a complete fool out of myself. He also told me that Satan wants me to become discouraged because that's how he can try to weaken my faith. I have felt that so much here. Satan knows he can't get me to go home, but he can tempt me to think poorly of myself. The punk. I fall for the trap WAY too often. But I am determined to keep doing better!

Lastly, in the devotional last night the speaker talked about how Nephi went to get the plates BEFORE he went to get a wife. He needed that foundation before he could do the most important thing. God let me know that that was absolutely true for me. God has told me time and time again that he has great things in store for me in my future and that because of that I need to prepare. He told me again last night that I would not be able to endure the things that are in my future without a mission.; because missions are a fantastic family preparation. He told me that in order for me to raise the valiant children that He needs in the last days I need to be a missionary so I can learn how to not just teach them, but to help them become disciples of Christ. I know that's not true for all girls, but honestly, for me, I can't imagine being a mother without this kind of experience.

I LOVE BEING A MISSIONARY!!! So hard! but sooo good! I know I say that every time, but it's true every day of the mission! Nothing could make me happier right now that to be on a mission. I wish it WAS RIGHT FOR EVERYONE! It's so awesome!

mtc f-u-n. (picture style)

The six sisters in Sister Tanner's original district.

Australia bound. (soon we hope)

Sister Tanner and her companion.

Sister Tanner and cousin Sister Benjamin.

Sister Tanner's district with one of their teachers.

Sister Tanner's district with another one of their teachers.

Sister Tanner's district+senior couples.

Here are some pictures that Annie sent us from her stay in the MTC.  Of her original district only Annie, her companion, Sister Benjamin and two elders are still in the MTC. The rest have been temporarily assigned in the states until their visas come through.

*the change in sister attire is so unfair. :)

letter.two 03.27.2013

We got our second letter from Ann in the MTC, she was delayed for a week waiting for her visa.

I am soo blessed! I love being a missionary! So hard, but so good. This past week has had its challenges and its tender mercies. Its weird to still be here in the MTC when today was supposed to be my first day in Australia, but I know I'm supposed to be here still and the Lord has been blessing us with many tender mercies to compensate. Honestly, the hardest thing is that there are only five people in our district now. I miss the rest of our district a lot. We were all best friends and it feels sort of empty without them, but it's also nice that we have a smaller class now so it's more personal teaching. Second hardest thing, unpacking again. ha. Well this week has been a life changer again so I think I'll highlight a few of the best moments and inspiration.

We watched a clip of a MTC devotional given by Elder Bednar in class and he talked about how we all worry about whether it's our own thoughts or the Spirit. He rather boldly said, "Stop worrying about it! Just be a good boy or a good girl and all your thoughts will lead you to where you need to be and what you need to do. You may never know what little things you do that change someone's life." Wow. Awesome. I have been set apart and as long as I'm trying to be a "good girl" my thoughts will be the Spirit's direction. That's pretty incredible.

Brother Dickey talked to us about how we had been prepared for our missions. He told us that we had been prepared in more ways then we would ever be able to comprehend by ourselves. So, he had us pray to ask Heavenly Father how he had prepared us. Then, he told us to write down the ways the Lord had prepared us and to not stop writing because as we wrote the Lord would bless us to know ways that we had been prepared. It was an incredible experience. Heavenly Father was able to remind me of some very hard, sweet, and sacred experiences that I have had in my life. Experiences that I have treasured, but I had never realized how they prepared me for a mission. God really does love His children! He loves them so much that He would have a girl, who never thought she would go on a mission be prepared to help specific people in Australia (where she never even thought she would go in her life time) at a very young age. What a privilege. It makes those experiences that I have had even more sacred. I thought at the time that they were just for my benefit. That they were to help me come closer to Christ and become more truely converted and they were, but they were also for the benefit of so many of His children that I never even thought I would meet. The section of PMG "God is Our Loving Heavenly Father" takes on a whole new meaning.

A theme of In-field orientation and of my branch president was to not lower your expectations. God is not sending me on a mission to do nothing and have no success. The field is white! It's harvest time not planting time! Not that we won't be doing a lot of planting too, but we should expect success because the Lord will only be able to help us achieve what we think is possible. I also loved that my Branch President said, "Don't fall into the trap of mediocracy! Other missionaries will try to tear down your enthusiam. Don't let them! This is how it's supposed to be!"

One of my best experiences of my entire MTC experience so far was watching a MTC devotional from Christmas of 2011 by Elder Bednar called "The Character of Christ". Seriously, life changing. Mom I wish you could see it. You would have loved it! He said that Elder Maxwell had said to him that, "There would be no atoning sacrifice without the character of Christ." He talked about how he thought about it for a long time and finally figured out what the character of Christ really is. He said His character is that, "He turns out in compassion and love to others when we, as natural men, would turn in." I had never thought about it in that way. Then he gave all of these examples of Christ turning outward just when anyone else would have thought about himself. For instance, after He had fasted and Satan had tempted Him (in Matthew 4:11) it says that angels came and ministered to Him. That would make complete sense after all He had been through, but when you read the JST you see that it says that Jesus knew that John was in prison and so He sent angels to minister to John. Wow. I can't even imagine. That's how the Atonement is possible. He never could have done it if He had even once thought of the natural man in Himself.

Then he talked about how this is how we too become truely converted to the LORD. It was actually similar to his conference talk. He talked about true conversion. Then he told a story of some women that were truely converted and had put off the natural man. One woman's daughter had been killed in a terrible accident. She was her only child and she was a single mom. She was also the RS president. On her way to the funeral a woman in the ward, who didn't know of her daughters death, called complaining that she was sick and no one had brought her food. So this mother, who was truly converted, took this women food before she went to her own daughters funeral. I can't imagine being that Christ-like but that is how I want to be someday. I want to work on it every day for the rest of my life.

He also talked about how we should all study the character of Christ for ourselves. He said to take a cheap copy of the BOM and mark everything in it that demonstrates the character of Christ. Then to ponder it. Write a brief summary to go inside and then put in on the book shelf. He said we could do this often with different questions and by the end of our lives we would have book shelves full of our questions and how the BOM answered them. Cool right?! I am going to do that while I'm on my mission. Obviously I'm studying for investigators, but if I can just read a little of the BOM each day to find the character of Christ I should be able to finish before I come home. I can't wait. Maybe I'll even just read it during lunch so I can use all of personal study for investigators...

Another neat experience for me was when they came to tell us that our visas didn't come and that we would be here for at least another week. I felt an immediate peace rush over me and the spirit tell me that I was here for a reason. There was more that I needed to learn so I could bettter bless my future investigators lives. My teacher also said that he thought another reason was so we could bless other missionaries because we have already been here and because we're so strong. (I thought that was nice of him) Then we went to Zone teaching and we were with all the new missionaries. I was put into a group with three Elders from another district. We were practicing doing something that I don't feel like I'm good at all, but Heavenly Father really blessed me with added understanding and knowledge. These Elders were really struggling and I was able to help them better understand and I understood it better too. The Lord allowed me to help some of His children, which really helped me. It was such a tender mercy. And there have been many more. I have learned so many skills that they just didn't have time to teach us before. I am actually very glad to be here for longer. And I get to be here for Easter! We're having a sacrament meeting with the whole MTC and a general authority will be there. Sounds like an awesome experience. One that's worth the wait. :)

Lastly, I just wanted to share something I learned at devotional last night. The speaker talked about how in Christ's time it says in the scriptures a million times that the people were "astonished", but it doesn't say that after miracles were performed. It says they were astonished by the doctrine! That is awesome. These simiple doctrines are astonishing! I think I too often take for granted that I already know these INCREDIBLE truths! What a blessing to be able to share that with others!

(David (Annie's brother)received a mission call to serve in the Oklahoma City Oklahoma mission last week.)

I love you all so much! I'm SOOOO excited about David's mission call. Cool that while Alan and Michelle were out as missionaries one was out of the country and one was in OK and now when David and I are out one will be out of the country and one will be in OK! He's going to be such a good missionary. I've been wishing he was in my district! Although I think that would be too good to be true. I already get to be with Sister Benjamin. (Annie's cousin) It's been so awesome! And now she's companinons with my companion and I! How cool!

letter.one 03.20.2013

We heard from Ann today, first "real" letter...Sort of, since she's still in the MTC. (at least she has a week under her belt.)

 Holy Toledo! I am LOVING the mission!  This is amazing.  Whoever said the MTC was bad must have been here for longer than 12 days ;)  I love it.  It's stinkin' hard though.  I don't think I was able to comprehend before what made a mission so hard, but I think I'm starting to get it.  It's not something that can be described, just experienced.  But what's more amazing is that I'm so grateful that it's been hard.  That's what has made it great.

I feel like I have become a completely different person.  I didn't know it was possible to grow so much in so little time.  I have an amazing "compangie".  I love her with all my heart.  She and I are so similar but also so different.  We get along really well together.  My district has 6 sisters and 6 elders.  I love them all.  I honestly wasn't sure about the elders at first.  I thought they were going to be super shy, but they have all opened up and I truly feel like they are some of my greatest friends now.  They have all been very accepting of me and my strong personality and emotional instability ha ha ha.  Sad, but true.  Remember how I  never cried before...yeah, that changed, fast.  My eyes have been like unto waterfalls ha ha.  The sisters in my district are incredible.  They are all so beautiful!  I'll send pics in the mail probably because I forgot my memory card.  They all have strong testimonies and knowledge of the Gospel.  I feel like I learn almost as much from them as I do from my teachers, who are amazing by the way.  Brother Dickey and Sister Lamplough will forever hold a special place in my heart.  They have truly been angels sent to bear me up.

So stressful to not have enough time to write you about every detail because this experience has been amazing, but I think I'll just write a few of the miracles, tender mercies and special moments.

Honestly, one of the biggest tender mercies for me has been my teachers, especially Brother Dickey.  He is so in tune with the Spirit.  It's unreal.  One day (no idea exactly when things happen...the days all mesh together)  Brother Dickey was teaching us about the importance and power of reading the Book of Mormon with your investigators.  It made me really discouraged because I can never remember scriptures and I thought that might come when I was teaching, but as I have been teaching it hasn't been coming.  So Brother Dickey was giving us a break and I asked him if I could talk to him.  I told him how I was feeling, that I could never be an effective missionary without knowing scriptures and of course I started weeping...typical Annie right there.  And he sat me down with me and told me about how he's stuttered his whole life and he hoped that it would go away when he served because God would bless him with that.  Then he realized as he was serving and it wasn't going away that only when the desire of his heart changed to wanting to help the investigator would that gift come..and it did but only in the times when the INVESTIGATOR needed it.  That was really helpful.

Then 2 days ago was really hard for me.  I just kept messing up.  I felt like I was never an effective teacher.  I was trying to be humble and teachable but I just couldn't teach.  I was only getting negative feedback in one of our zone teachings and that's when I finally lost it...again.  My companion and I went to class and Brother Dickey pulled me aside and talked to me.  He said exactly what I needed to hear.  He helped me realize that it didn't matter who thought I was a good missionary except for God.  He had me kneel and pray with him and I felt God's love and acceptance so strongly.  Then he proceeded to tell me that he felt like I had the gift of charity.  Such a tender mercy.  I have been working on that for so long and I didn't feel like I had progressed very much.  He talked to me about how helpful that will be on my mission, how it will bless people.  It's like he knew what was said in my setting apart or something...it was God using him as a mouthpiece.  He also talked about how God didn't give me that gift for my sake, He only gives us gifts to bless the life's of others.  Amazing.

That wasn't even CLOSE to everything.
PS: I'm super sick.  So hard to learn when you're coughing your lungs out and your brain is fuzzy, but the Lord has really blessed me.

Love you.

goodbyes.

Here are a few snapshots from our last time with Annie.

gone away.

Well. Our Sister Tanner has *gone away* to serve as a missionary for the next 18 months. While she's away I'll keep you updated on her goings-on and missionary life...


Here is the quick (and very brief) letter she wrote to the fam her first night in the MTC:


Wow! Today has been amazing! I love being a missionary already! It still doesn't feel real, like at all.  We taught tonight and it was a good jump into reality.  I love my companion and district already.  I also saw Lee Essig tonight after dinner.  That was a nice surprise.  The only thing I don't like is the Sister/Elder thing.  My name is Annie, not Sister Tanner.  Ha. Ha. Well I guess not anymore.  I'm loving the Spirit that I feel here.  I love my teachers as well, they seem awesome.  I love you all and hope that all is well!  

 

my deepest fear...

I'm sure you've all heard the quote by Marianne Williamson that says, "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that frightens us." Well maybe for some people that is true, but let me tell you I am not afraid that I am "powerful beyond measure." Honestly, I think that would be pretty sweet. And I'm much more scared of my dark than my light. Believe me, I've seen both sides; the dark is terrifying. I know, I know, it's pretty much everyone's favorite quote, but it's just not true for me. 

My deepest fear is that I AM INADEQUATE. I am scared spit-less that I'll never amount to anything, or be anybody to anyone. I fear failure and vulnerability. That is where the last part of the quote makes perfect sense to me. 

"We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

I  am a child of God. He intends for us all to be Kings and Queens in the heavens someday. He knows what I can someday become if I will utilize the Atonement. It is through Him that I can be more than I ever dreamed. So, I should dream big and fall hard because that's what life is all about. You can't have the success without the failure. God can and WILL make miracles happen in my life if I have faith. He can make little Annalise Tanner into something worthwhile, not because I'm so great, but because HE IS. 

The only reason we ever really shine is because we are making "manifest the glory of God that is within us." I know God can do this for me and that He would never be pleased with any of His children fearing that they may never amount to anything; that is a lie. We can ALL amount to EVERYTHING if we will just put our faith and trust in Him.