overcoming loss and discouragement

I have been surrounded by miscarriages my whole life. Many people close to me have had them and I always felt sorry for them, but I had no idea what they actually went through. I grossly underestimated the pain, grief, and despair that comes with a miscarriage. To understand that I had to go through it myself. 

One week ago today, while I was in Rome, I lost my sweet baby that I have grown to love so much these few months. I was far away from home in a country where I didn't speak the language or know anyone. I have never wanted to be home so badly.

I'm not going to lie, this is the hardest thing I have had to experience in my life thus far. I felt a strong connection to my baby. I have been excited to be a mom for as long as I can remember. I have day dreamed about it and now it was finally going to be a reality. I couldn't contain my excitement. 

I had some very spiritual experiences with this baby and when Cole gave me a blessing at the beginning of my pregnancy I felt like everything was going to work out. In my mind I thought that meant I wouldn't have a miscarriage. For a lot of my life I have assumed the worst and then been pleasantly surprised if the best happened. This was one of the first times in my life that I didn't do that. 

As I started spotting blood I still felt very hopeful that I wouldn't lose this baby. I felt at peace. But just before we went to bed the bleeding got worse and that was the first time I faced the reality that I could very likely lose this baby. I felt a depth of sorrow and loss I have never experienced before. 

I felt like Cole and I should watch a Mormon message and read some scriptures. As we did together we felt a very clear impression: God knows us. He understands our situation. And just because we have faith in miracles does not mean that the miracles we want will happen. I felt that in the eternal scheme of things, Cole and I learning this lesson would be something that would bring us closer to God. 

I remembered a quote from Elder Scott's talk Trust in the Lord. He said, "Your Father in Heaven and His Beloved Son love you perfectly. They would not require you to experience a moment more of difficulty than is absolutely needed for your personal benefit or for that of those you love."

I knew in my heart that this was true. If this was something that would be of no benefit to me I truly believe He would have stepped in and healed me. But I believe He allowed this to happen to draw us closer together and closer to Him. 

I also felt a very strong impression that angels would be with me to bear me up. He never leaves us alone. As I have been through this experience I can testify that angels have been all around. 

My first angel is my sweet husband Cole. He cried with me. He rubbed my feet as I tried to sleep. He did anything he could to make me comfortable and he made a lot of calls to make things happen. I could not have done this without his support. 

My mom was another angel and one of the most important. She cried with me as I told her of my pain and sorrow and worries. I felt her love from clear across the world. She made lots of calls and stayed up most of the night in order to help me and be there for me. I honestly don't know of any woman more selfless and kind. 

All of my family were angels. Diane, my mother-in-law, called a nurse for me and called us and expressed her sympathy, that meant the world to me. Genna, my sister-in-law called and gave me advice and most importantly just showed how much she cared. I've received prayers and texts from all of my family and I have felt power beyond my own because of their love and support. What a blessing to have family on both sides who are so supportive and truly angles in my life. 

Also my sister Michelle and her husband Kevin (they were on the trip with us.) They were amazing. This put a huge damper on the trip but I never sensed even an ounce of frustration. They got me food and supplies and my sister cleaned up all of the blood. She cleaned our room and made sure everything was perfect when we came home. Such a relief for me. 

One of the most miracles set of angels were the sweetest senior couple I have ever met. Cole found a contact number for the assistants here and they got us in touch with the mission nurse. She made special arrangements for me to see a doctor at an international hospital even though they are normally closed on Sunday. 

They drove there to meet us. Then this sweet woman I had never met before encircled me in her arms and cried with me. I felt the love of the Savior through her. Then they drove us around to get money from an ATM to pay for the doctor and drove us home. We literally wouldn't have been able to do it without them. They were a miracle. 

Then when we got home late Thursday night some of my best friends had gotten me flowers with a nice note and the perfect willow tree statue. It was called prayer of peace. I had been feeling during the rest of my trip that I wanted something to remember this baby by, but I wasn't sure what it should be. As soon as I saw that I knew it was perfect. It would always remind me of my baby, and not focus on the sadness of the loss but the power of the Atonement that I felt through the whole process. 

When we got back to our apartment the Gardners had gotten me three beautiful bouquets and put them around and left a sweet note. There are very few things I love more than flowers so this was perfect.

As I have been home there have been people continuing to be angels as they have reached out to comfort me. I have felt God's love for me so strongly. I wouldn't ever wish this upon anyone but I am really grateful for it. I know that sounds weird, but I am. I have felt God's love and the enabling power of the Atonement so acutely. 

I know that God is our loving Heavenly Father and that He knows me. I know that He sometimes allows us to go through hard things because it helps us to become like Him. I know that this is an inspired church and I felt the power and support of it through this as so many helped me. 

letter.fifty.four 04.07.14 ^faith in God, not results^

I think what really sent the tone for this week was that one of our zone leaders, Elder B, found out that he has cancer. He should be fine. He has really good odds, but it was so sad when he left. He was one of my best friends on the mission. He exhibited so much faith throughout the whole process. It had a powerful effect on our whole zone. It was one of the most spiritual zone meetings I've ever been too. We miss him so much. He talked a lot about the faith that he has in God and his perfect plan for him even though it's different plan than he wanted. 

We also had some beautiful lessons this week. We have been having trainings on the power and authority of our calling and it really helped us to be more bold in our calling. We had a lot of people who used their agency poorly this week, but I felt so peaceful because I knew that I had been bold with them. The spirit had been bold and they had chosen to reject that anyways. I can't control what they choose, so I can rest assured that I did my part.

 

heart leaf Ann found tracting.

We also had an amazing meeting with our ward mission leader. He is so rad. He reminds me so much of Alan. I hope Ally is still WML cause I have been envisioning how good he must be. Our WML is on fire. He is so organized and he has the spirit and vision of missionary work for this ward. He is helping us to have our time full. He is giving us the vision that he has of the ward and I'm so excited about it. He gets it! He really gets it! He sees that we're here to help the members in the work of salvation wherever they need us. Since we're in a brand new ward it's a great place to start. Great things will be happening in the Ocean Reef ward. I'm excited to be a part of it.

Saturday was full of service and appointments. It was so good. We broke down the barriers around people's hearts that we have been trying to break down for ages! The miracles of service!

We also had a beautiful Sunday. Church was wonderful. Although I was thinking about how you all were watching general conference and I was feeling a bit jealous. But church was really inspiring for me. I felt so uplifted. I really love this ward. I'm so glad that I'm staying! We found out that Sister S and I are staying in W as STL's and sister E is leaving to be STL in R. :( I'm going to miss her so much. She is so wonderful. She is my best friend on my mission. I have had pure bliss these past two transfers with her, but I think Heavenly Father knew I would miss her so He gave us the best zone ever. It's going to be so rad, so many of my favorite missionaries. Two of them being Sister T and Sister A! Booyah Grandma! Also heaps of others who you all my not know because they weren't my companions but I love them all so much. I'm so excited. This is going to be a great transfer.

I'm thankful for this week. It has built my faith so much. Not because everything went well or that are numbers were amazing, but that I decided at the beginning of the week that even if our goals and plans didn't bring the numbers we wanted that I wouldn’t let it weaken my faith. I have full faith and confidence that I've done all in my power and that people just used their agency poorly in some cases and in others it was slow but steady progress. I'm so thankful for that opportunity that God has given me this week. I learned how to more fully have faith in God, not in results. I know that what happened this week is exactly what God wanted and knew that I needed. I'm thankful that He is allowing me to grow in my faith and not base that faith in results. You can have the faith to move a mountain, but if it's not God's will it's never going to happen. It's about putting our trust in God and His will.  I love being a missionary. I love this ward and I love my companions. God is good to me.

I love you all!

soul stretching days

Faith. It's the first principle of the gospel. Should be pretty basic, right? Nope. At least sometimes it isn't for me. The important thing to remember is that faith is really nothing unless you finish the phrase from the 4th Article of Faith. It's faith in the Lord Jesus Christ. That's what really matters. I sometimes I struggle with that.

Sometimes I want to have faith in the outcomes that have been promised to me by God, but that is the wrong thing to have faith in. Often times, I interpret the things God has promised me to be one thing, but they really end up being something completely different and ALWAYS BETTER. Turns out He really does know better than me. I don't know why I sometimes still struggle with that. The important thing is to have Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ and THEN the promised outcomes will fall into place. Not the other way around.

The past several months have been quite the roller coaster for me. Especially, the last week or so. I'm going on a mission, and I'm SUPER excited about it. I leave March 13. Leaving in March presents some interesting problems. The first of them is that I can't go to school because the semester ends in April. I was going to deal with this by just going to the first block of classes and take one class and then I would be able to keep working my BYU job. Well I found out last week that they changed the rules and you have to take six credits to work... that means I would end up paying more than I would make. Obviously, I am no longer going to do this. This was devastating for me. I need money. I need something to do. It seemed like the perfect solution, but obviously not. The Lord knows better. He understands my life much better than I do. So yet again, I need to trust Him.

Honestly, even if I died tomorrow I would be better off for making the decision to go on a mission. It has forced me to accept that God really does know better than me. I am doing what He has asked of me and so this experience is going to be for my benefit. That does NOT mean that everything will work out how I want it, but it does mean that it will all work out for my own good.

Finals. Need I say more? I switched my major to Business last year about this time.. Business is amazing and I love it, but it's hard. At least it is for me. This semester I took two of the hardest classes for business, or so I hear. I have worked my tail off in both of them. I did pretty badly in both of them as well. So frustrating. When I decided that I needed to change my major I prayed like crazy because I honestly didn't think I was capable of doing something that challenging. I made my decision, but I was still nervous.

That's when I read John 14:27, "Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid."

I felt very strongly when I read that scripture that it applied to my situation. I felt peace about changing my major, not because it made any sense like the world would think. I changed because I knew it was the better path for me. I was feeling peace because I can do anything with the grace that is provided to me through my Savior. When I felt this at the time I thought this would mean I would be blessed to be able to do well in my business classes if I put in my part. That has not always been the case.

I have been extremely blessed with my schooling, but I have struggled too. I put in 17 hours of studying for my Accounting final. So naturally, I thought I should do well. Nope. I bombed it. It's the lowest test score I've gotten at BYU and it's the test I studied the most for. You may think I'm exaggerating how bad my score was. Nope! It was bad. So bad that I'm too ashamed to post it...

I honestly, had some doubt there for a minute. I doubted God's plan for me. Why in the world did I feel peaceful about business if I was just going to fail?! True, I don't know that this one test score will make me not be able to get into the Marriott school, but it sure feels like it. I believe that for some reason or another God really needs my faith to increase. I need to have Faith in His son, Jesus Christ and the enabling power of His Atonement. This experience has just given me more reason to have to rely on that faith instead of faith in the promised outcome of being successful in my major, which is what I was promised in a blessing. Now, I know even more fully that I can't do this alone. The only way that I will be able to get into the Marriott school will be because that's what is right. And who knows? Maybe this is just supposed to take me down a path to something else. I have no clue, and that's OK. I'm not supposed to know the end. That's the whole point of having faith.

This past week has been a hard one, but I have been blessed to be able to feel my soul stretching. Faith is like a muscle in that way: the more we stretch and exercise it, the stronger it gets. Even though it's been hard, I'm thankful for these soul stretching days. They hurt in the moment, but as my mom so wisely put it, "the most important thing in our lives to accomplish is to move down the path towards salvation." That's what these days do. I'll take a bad test score and ruined plans if that's what I'm getting from it. Bring on the soul stretching! (Although, I wouldn't mind having a little break for the moment. ha!)

the Lord provides a way

Turns out that I really don't enjoy making decisions... at all. But who does? I recently had to make a decision that was challenging because what I wanted was not what the Lord wanted.I had some fairly strong confirmations throughout the whole process, which was important because I don't think I could have done it without that. One of the confirmations was in the form of a talk that my inspired father told me to read. It addressed literally every doubt I'd been having. The talk was  "Cast Not Away Therefore Your Confidence" given by Elder Holland in a BYU devotional. One of my problems was that I kept thinking that maybe I was mistaken about what I had felt. Elder Holland puts it perfectly.

 "Don't panic and retreat. Don't lose your confidence. Don't forget how you once felt. Don't distrust the experience you had... If it was right when you prayed about it and trusted it and lived for it. It is right now. Don't give up when the pressure mounts."

Another thing that was hard for me was that I knew that all parties involved would initially be unhappy because of this decision. I didn't know how I was going to cope. But Elder Holland answered that question too. 

"...along with the illuminating revelation that points us toward a righteous purpose or duty, God will also provide the means and power to achieve that purpose. Trust in that eternal truth. If God has told you something is right, if something is indeed true for you, he will provide the way for you to accomplish it. 'Therefore let not your hearts faint... Mine angel shall go before you... and also my presence, and in time ye shall possess the goodly land' [D&C 103:17-20]What goodly land? Your goodly land. Your promised land. Your New Jerusalem. Your own little acre flowing with milk and honey. Your future. Your dreams. Your destiny." 

When I read this I knew that, not only, would God give me the strength to do what I needed to do, but he would fill the void it left in my life. I have already felt that promise being fulfilled. I had the strength to do what I had to and then the Lord provided a way to help me fill that void. He sent His angels to help me through it. It started with a best friend who chatted with me the whole time I was at work, which helped me keep my mind off of it. Then, when I was sitting in my apartment, all alone, one of my friends just stopped by to chat. I'm thankful for that inspired friend for following the Lord's prompting and helping me not to suffocate in loneliness in my apartment by myself. Lastly, some of my good friends from high school, that I don't often hang out with, invited me to hang out with them. I am grateful that the Lord really does provide a way and that He compensates for the losses we face for following what He asks of us.
I am thankful that during our hard times that He does provide us with angels in our midst. I feel that acutely. I know that someday the Lord will provide me with my own goodly land. It will be more than I can imagine or comprehend now, but it will come. This small set back will only bring me closer to that goodly land and will make it seem that much sweeter.