overcoming loss and discouragement

I have been surrounded by miscarriages my whole life. Many people close to me have had them and I always felt sorry for them, but I had no idea what they actually went through. I grossly underestimated the pain, grief, and despair that comes with a miscarriage. To understand that I had to go through it myself. 

One week ago today, while I was in Rome, I lost my sweet baby that I have grown to love so much these few months. I was far away from home in a country where I didn't speak the language or know anyone. I have never wanted to be home so badly.

I'm not going to lie, this is the hardest thing I have had to experience in my life thus far. I felt a strong connection to my baby. I have been excited to be a mom for as long as I can remember. I have day dreamed about it and now it was finally going to be a reality. I couldn't contain my excitement. 

I had some very spiritual experiences with this baby and when Cole gave me a blessing at the beginning of my pregnancy I felt like everything was going to work out. In my mind I thought that meant I wouldn't have a miscarriage. For a lot of my life I have assumed the worst and then been pleasantly surprised if the best happened. This was one of the first times in my life that I didn't do that. 

As I started spotting blood I still felt very hopeful that I wouldn't lose this baby. I felt at peace. But just before we went to bed the bleeding got worse and that was the first time I faced the reality that I could very likely lose this baby. I felt a depth of sorrow and loss I have never experienced before. 

I felt like Cole and I should watch a Mormon message and read some scriptures. As we did together we felt a very clear impression: God knows us. He understands our situation. And just because we have faith in miracles does not mean that the miracles we want will happen. I felt that in the eternal scheme of things, Cole and I learning this lesson would be something that would bring us closer to God. 

I remembered a quote from Elder Scott's talk Trust in the Lord. He said, "Your Father in Heaven and His Beloved Son love you perfectly. They would not require you to experience a moment more of difficulty than is absolutely needed for your personal benefit or for that of those you love."

I knew in my heart that this was true. If this was something that would be of no benefit to me I truly believe He would have stepped in and healed me. But I believe He allowed this to happen to draw us closer together and closer to Him. 

I also felt a very strong impression that angels would be with me to bear me up. He never leaves us alone. As I have been through this experience I can testify that angels have been all around. 

My first angel is my sweet husband Cole. He cried with me. He rubbed my feet as I tried to sleep. He did anything he could to make me comfortable and he made a lot of calls to make things happen. I could not have done this without his support. 

My mom was another angel and one of the most important. She cried with me as I told her of my pain and sorrow and worries. I felt her love from clear across the world. She made lots of calls and stayed up most of the night in order to help me and be there for me. I honestly don't know of any woman more selfless and kind. 

All of my family were angels. Diane, my mother-in-law, called a nurse for me and called us and expressed her sympathy, that meant the world to me. Genna, my sister-in-law called and gave me advice and most importantly just showed how much she cared. I've received prayers and texts from all of my family and I have felt power beyond my own because of their love and support. What a blessing to have family on both sides who are so supportive and truly angles in my life. 

Also my sister Michelle and her husband Kevin (they were on the trip with us.) They were amazing. This put a huge damper on the trip but I never sensed even an ounce of frustration. They got me food and supplies and my sister cleaned up all of the blood. She cleaned our room and made sure everything was perfect when we came home. Such a relief for me. 

One of the most miracles set of angels were the sweetest senior couple I have ever met. Cole found a contact number for the assistants here and they got us in touch with the mission nurse. She made special arrangements for me to see a doctor at an international hospital even though they are normally closed on Sunday. 

They drove there to meet us. Then this sweet woman I had never met before encircled me in her arms and cried with me. I felt the love of the Savior through her. Then they drove us around to get money from an ATM to pay for the doctor and drove us home. We literally wouldn't have been able to do it without them. They were a miracle. 

Then when we got home late Thursday night some of my best friends had gotten me flowers with a nice note and the perfect willow tree statue. It was called prayer of peace. I had been feeling during the rest of my trip that I wanted something to remember this baby by, but I wasn't sure what it should be. As soon as I saw that I knew it was perfect. It would always remind me of my baby, and not focus on the sadness of the loss but the power of the Atonement that I felt through the whole process. 

When we got back to our apartment the Gardners had gotten me three beautiful bouquets and put them around and left a sweet note. There are very few things I love more than flowers so this was perfect.

As I have been home there have been people continuing to be angels as they have reached out to comfort me. I have felt God's love for me so strongly. I wouldn't ever wish this upon anyone but I am really grateful for it. I know that sounds weird, but I am. I have felt God's love and the enabling power of the Atonement so acutely. 

I know that God is our loving Heavenly Father and that He knows me. I know that He sometimes allows us to go through hard things because it helps us to become like Him. I know that this is an inspired church and I felt the power and support of it through this as so many helped me. 

letter fifty.six 04.21.14 "He is RISEN"

We had a great week. We had exchanges and I was here with Sister P from Tonga and it was great! I love her. She and I were able to set some great goals and then we both were able to really progress in those goals. We had great studies in the morning that we were able to apply to those we taught and to those we tracted into. We had a lot of fun in the work as well. She also really helped me feel uplifted and loved. She is such a kind person.

 

Sister P and Ann on exchanges

after exchanges

Then on Wednesday night we went down to Dianella to practice modeling for zone conference the next day and I don't know what happened to me, but I got in a bit of an irritable mood. I was feeling frustrated with some of the missionaries there. I didn't feel like people were being very kind to each other and such. You know when you have a high opinion of someone and then they just let you down? That's how I felt, but honestly I don't think it was their fault I think it was more me, I was trying really hard to get over it. I prayed really hard in preparation for zone conference the next day and was determined to try to fix my attitude.

 

with Sam and the elders

So we had zone conference and it was amazing! At first I was struggling with those same feelings but I was able to overcome it quickly and really enjoy zone conference.

We talked about family history and helping our recent converts do it. To help them do it we have to be able to do it ourselves. So, President Lindsay gave us all permission to spend four hours during the least productive hours of the day doing our OWN family history! Then if we find a name to take to the temple he said for this transfer only we can go!!!!! I am so excited. I have been feeling very strongly recently that family history is something that Heavenly Father wants me to get into, but I wasn't sure how to do it on my mission. Now President has given us the way. I have felt a deeper love for my family and my forefathers. As I was sitting there I felt strongly that this is another way that our recent converts and us as missionaries will be able to feel the angels around us more strongly, because we're helping them too!

We also sang at zone conference. It was my companion and I with our zone leaders and it ended up being very beautiful which was quite the miracle all things considering.

Then the last part of zone conference was about Easter. President Lindsay read us the Easter story. And just before that Satan was really trying to get me down. He is relentless. I was struggling to really make sure that I am doing everything God wants. They were telling us that everyone can get a certain number of member present lessons, you just have to put in the effort and I thought, "well actually that's untrue, you have to have people to teach first." We are really struggling to find people.

So as I was feeling these feelings and He read the story. I felt so strongly the power of the Resurrection and what that means for me. I felt more strongly than ever before that He lives and because He lives I cannot only conquer death, but I can overcome the things that weigh me down. Then at the end of Luke the Savior appears to them and he says to them,

"Peace be unto you.... And He said unto them, why are ye troubled? and why do thoughts arise in your hearts? Behold my hands and my feet, that it is I myself: handle me, and see for a spirit hath not flesh and bones as ye see me have."

I felt as if I was there. I could almost hear him saying to me, "Sister Tanner, Peace be unto you. Why are you worried about all of these little things? Why are you troubled about all these things you can't control? Why do you worry about the judgments people have passed on you? I am here. I live. I understand how you feel. I am pleased with you. You're doing what's right. So stop worrying. Come and see."

I know that's not exactly what He was saying to the Apostles but I know that's what He was saying to me that day. I felt so much peace and comfort. I know He lives. I know that He loves me. I know that because He has overcome the world, I can too, but only with His help. I am so thankful for a Savior that LIVES for me. I am thankful for a Savior who is the perfect judge and knows what the desires of my heart are.

I was, of course, sobbing through all of this, so it was a bit embarrassing, but I couldn't help it. I felt it so strongly. It was a powerful meeting. I also felt prompted to get a blessing after and it was a beautiful blessing that brought me a lot of comfort. I am so thankful for the priesthood.

Then came Sunday. I loved this Easter Sunday. We have been working with a less active nearly the whole time I've been here and HE CAME TO CHURCH!!!! My heart nearly burst as I saw him coming in the door. He loved it. It was beautiful to have not only his wife, but him there as well. Our Ward mission leader also taught the perfect lesson for him in our Sunday school class and invited him to take his wife to the temple. It was so powerful and just what he needed. I can't wait to continue to help he and his wife on this journey. I love them so much.

Then we had a musical Easter fireside that we sang the song we sang in zone conference and my companion and I sang, "oh Lord, my Redeemer" and the Spirit was so strong. It was one of those times where I could feel my testimony flowing out of my countenance and our song. I felt a connection with the people as I looked into each face and shared what I really felt in my heart. I love those times when I get to sing like that. It was also such a nice treat to have the Lindsay's there in the audience. It felt like I had my parents there. I felt a warm sense of love and unity with everyone there. And the less active and his wife came as well and seemed to really enjoy it. It was a beautiful Easter.

I hope you all had a great Easter. I love you and thank you for all that you do for me. And I loved my Easter package. Nothing could have been a better gift than all of your favorite scriptures and quotes and your testimonies of the Savior. I love you all. Thank you for your examples. I love you.

On a less spiritual note... last night Sister S and I were going to follow up with a less active. It was really dark and it was such a creepy street. The kind that makes someone like me be on edge... We were trying to read the house numbers in the dark and then all of the sudden this big something comes running at us... naturally I scream... like REALLY scream. Sister S started screaming too and yelling for me to drive away and that she refused to get out of the car. My whole body went numb as I realize that it was just a dog, but it was still terrifying. My comp and I were both freaked out for the rest of the night. Then we were laughing really hard about it because we realized how ridiculous we were being... I can be such a woosie. I thought you might all enjoy that.

the Lord provides a way

Turns out that I really don't enjoy making decisions... at all. But who does? I recently had to make a decision that was challenging because what I wanted was not what the Lord wanted.I had some fairly strong confirmations throughout the whole process, which was important because I don't think I could have done it without that. One of the confirmations was in the form of a talk that my inspired father told me to read. It addressed literally every doubt I'd been having. The talk was  "Cast Not Away Therefore Your Confidence" given by Elder Holland in a BYU devotional. One of my problems was that I kept thinking that maybe I was mistaken about what I had felt. Elder Holland puts it perfectly.

 "Don't panic and retreat. Don't lose your confidence. Don't forget how you once felt. Don't distrust the experience you had... If it was right when you prayed about it and trusted it and lived for it. It is right now. Don't give up when the pressure mounts."

Another thing that was hard for me was that I knew that all parties involved would initially be unhappy because of this decision. I didn't know how I was going to cope. But Elder Holland answered that question too. 

"...along with the illuminating revelation that points us toward a righteous purpose or duty, God will also provide the means and power to achieve that purpose. Trust in that eternal truth. If God has told you something is right, if something is indeed true for you, he will provide the way for you to accomplish it. 'Therefore let not your hearts faint... Mine angel shall go before you... and also my presence, and in time ye shall possess the goodly land' [D&C 103:17-20]What goodly land? Your goodly land. Your promised land. Your New Jerusalem. Your own little acre flowing with milk and honey. Your future. Your dreams. Your destiny." 

When I read this I knew that, not only, would God give me the strength to do what I needed to do, but he would fill the void it left in my life. I have already felt that promise being fulfilled. I had the strength to do what I had to and then the Lord provided a way to help me fill that void. He sent His angels to help me through it. It started with a best friend who chatted with me the whole time I was at work, which helped me keep my mind off of it. Then, when I was sitting in my apartment, all alone, one of my friends just stopped by to chat. I'm thankful for that inspired friend for following the Lord's prompting and helping me not to suffocate in loneliness in my apartment by myself. Lastly, some of my good friends from high school, that I don't often hang out with, invited me to hang out with them. I am grateful that the Lord really does provide a way and that He compensates for the losses we face for following what He asks of us.
I am thankful that during our hard times that He does provide us with angels in our midst. I feel that acutely. I know that someday the Lord will provide me with my own goodly land. It will be more than I can imagine or comprehend now, but it will come. This small set back will only bring me closer to that goodly land and will make it seem that much sweeter.

the happiness advantage

Choosing happiness is something that I have been working on and learning about for several years now. It's an empowering concept. I taught a workshop last night for Relief Society on emotional wellness that gave me the opportunity to think about it again. I thought I would share some of the things I learned.

First of all the talk that they gave me to use for my workshop was amazing! I can't believe I had never read it before. It's called, "Happiness, Your Heritage" by President Uchtdorf. Read it. He says that he believes that God has the greatest form of happiness and because we are His children we have it within us to be able to find the same kind of happiness. We may not be able to get there all the way in this life, but we can start coming closer to it. He suggests that there are two main ways that God feels happiness; through the work of creation and through being compassionate. 

CREATION: When I first read that I thought to myself, "Well dang, I can't create. I don't have artistic or crafty abilities..." but President Uchtdorf gives a definition of creation that is much more do-able for those of us who may not be artistically inclined. He says, "Creation means bringing into existence something that did not exist before-colorful gardens, harmonious homes, family memories, flowing laughter." That seems much more do-able for someone like me with none of the normal creative skills. Then for all you perfectionists out there he says, "What you create doesn't have to be perfect. So what if the eggs are greasy or the toast is burned? Don't let the fear of failure discourage you. Don't let the voice of critics paralyze you-whether that comes from the outside or the inside. If you still feel incapable of creating, start small. Try to see how many smiles you can create, write a letter of appreciation, learn a new skill, identify a space and beautify it." Everyone can create smiles. It doesn't matter if your creating a masterpiece or a smile. They both will make you happy and others around you happy.

My final design.

This Spring term I took a Floral Design class. I had no previous training or knowledge about flowers, but as I learned and created these designs it was very pleasing. At first, I was frustrated because I kept failing. Nothing turned out the way I wanted it to and to top it off the designs of the boy who I took it with always turned out better than mine, but I was still enjoying it because, regardless of how it turned out, it was still pleasing to learn a new skill that I knew I could continue to improve. I stuck it out and I'm glad I did because I learned a lot and my last design turned out great... well I feel like it did.
He finishes off by saying, "The more you trust and rely upon the spirit, the greater your capacity to create. That is your opportunity in this life and your destiny in the life to come. Sisters, trust and rely on the Spirit. As you take the normal opportunities of your daily life and create something of beauty and helpfulness, you improve not only the world around you but also the world within you."
BEING COMPASSIONATE: I felt liking being compassionate was a little more understandable, but when you're not feeling happy it can be really hard to feel compassionate. President Lorenzo Snow gives a good formula for getting past this..."When you find yourselves a little gloomy, look around you and find somebody that is in a worse plight than yourself; go to him and find out what the trouble is, then try to remove it with the wisdom which the Lord bestows upon you; and the first thing you know, your gloom is gone, you feel light, the Spirit of the Lord is upon you, and everything seems illuminated." Feeling depressed is a selfish feeling. I'm not saying that this makes you a bad person for feeling that way. Everyone does and for some people it's not something that they can control as well as others. What I'm trying to say is that if we are feeling down we need to look outside of ourselves. Spread positive energy to others and that will help you push out the negative selfish energy inside of you. To sum it up... "In the end, the number of prayers we say may contribute to our happiness, but the number of prayers we answer may be of even greater importance. Let us open our eyes and see the heavy hearts, notice the loneliness and despair; let us feel the silent prayers of others around us, and let us be an instrument in the hands of the Lord to answer those prayers.
Going along with what President Uchtdorf said is a video that my brother-in-law emailed to me. Watch it. It's pretty short and the guy is hilarious. The main point of the video is this, "It's not our reality that shapes us, but the lens through which we view the world that shapes our reality. If we can change the lens, not only can we change our happiness, but we can change the outcome as well." He discusses what people's formula for success is. Work harder to be more successful and then you'll be happy. The problem with this formula is that you can never really be happy because you keep redefining what "success" is. Once you get into the school you want then you have to get good grades and then you have to get a good job and so on and so forth. This formula will never bring you lasting happiness. What he suggests is that we reverse this formula. We need to be happy now and then we will be more successful. It has be proven time and time again in studies. When you are positive dopamine is released into your brain, not only making you happier, but it also turns on all the learning centers in your brain. Therefore, making you more successful! That is an empowering concept. So how can we become more positive? Well through the things the President Uchtdorf said and then Shawn gives a suggestion of doing at least one of five things for 21 days to make it a habit. Here's the list:
1: Record 3 things you are grateful for.
2: Journal about a positive experience you had each day.
3: Exercise.
4: Meditate, breathe deeply and clear your mind of thoughts for at least 5 minutes.
5: Do a random act of kindness. (As simple as a text, complement, smile, or email.)
As you do these thing you will be happier and have the happiness advantage because it's happiness that brings us an advantage not our advantages that bring us happiness.
One last quote from the talk, and I really feel that this is the key to it all, "I believe that as you immerse yourselves in the work of our Father-as you create beauty and as you are compassionate to others-God will encircle you in the arms of His love. Discouragement, inadequacy, and weariness will give way to a life of meaning, grace and fulfillment... happiness is your heritage."

rappelling into the depths of the Atonement

     I have a lot of fears. I always have. One of my biggest fears is heights. I seriously can't handle them... at all. Because of this fear there are a lot of things that are difficult for me to want to even try. So, when my roomies started planning a rappelling trip in Moab I wasn't even considering it. Then I started thinking about how I would be home alone if I didn't go and I would miss out on good memories. I decided I would try rappelling first and then see how I was feeling. I tried it with my brother-in-law, Kevin, and it kind of freaked me out. I told my roommates that I couldn't go because I was too weak sauce and was planning on leaving it at that. Then they kept asking me to please just try it one more time and see. I decided to try again the next day and as I prayed that night I asked Heavenly Father to please give me the strength and courage to overcome my fear enough to be able to do this. I went the next day and I was completely fine. I was really confused by this because of how I had been just the day before, then it hit me. Heavenly Father had given me the strength and courage to do it.
     I went on the trip and was extremely fun. We went through a beautiful canyon and we were able to experience nature in a way that you can't any other way. There were some really scary parts along the way. Each of us had our own times that we had minor breakdowns and were really scared, but we made it through. I had expected that I would have a good time, but what I didn't expect was how my testimony of the enabling power would grow in a way I didn't think was possible. As we were rappelling down this beautiful canyon I was nervous and I said a LOT of prayers. On the first rappel I felt fine even though it was 130ish feet down and I knew that that calm was from God.

Sam and I at the first rappel.

     Then we got to the second rappel. It didn't look bad at all. It wasn't very high but then we saw the anchor and it didn't look super strong, but Nathan said it would be fine and went down just fine. Then it was my turn. First of all, it was kind of a freaky start for me, but I got past that. Then when I was part way down the first ledge the anchor slide forward. It didn't slide all the way or let me fall, but let me tell you, it was SO SCARY. I literally can't think of a time that I have ever been more scared. I couldn't go back up so I prayed the whole way down and I made it down fine. Then, we had to worry about Becca and Sam down safely. Becca came down ok, but then Sam came and she was carrying a heavy backpack so I was really nervous about her coming down safely. Becca and I were at the bottom watching and we could tell she was really nervous, understandably so, so I said a prayer. Instantly I felt an incredible sense of peace flood over me. I knew Sam would make it down fine. She did and we were all relieved to be done with that one.

Becca coming down the second tier on the second rappel.

     Then we had to search for a way down and we did one last rappel, which was only nerve racking because we were already kind of on edge from the other one. We all ended up making it out of the canyon just fine and having had a good time. I felt a huge sense of accomplishment. I had done something that I thought I would never be able to do because of my fear of heights. It was an incredible feeling. Then I got to church and I had forgotten that it was Easter Sunday. As I sat through sacrament meeting I couldn't help but cry a little bit through the whole thing. I realized as I sat listening to beautiful music and inspired words of speakers that my experience was directly related to the Atonement of Jesus Christ and that it was truly through his enabling power that I was able to get through it. I know it might sound odd saying that you need the Atonement to go rappelling through a canyon, but I really did. I couldn't have done it on my own. My Bishop quoted Elder Holland's talk when he told us that because the Savior was completely alone we never have to be. Sometimes that is fulfilled by people literally being with us. That was most certainly true for this trip. Nathan was the only reason I was able to make it through that canyon without loosing my head completely. He basically pulled all of us up the mountain and made sure that everything was secure. He made my path so much easier and doable for someone with my kind of fears.
     The climax of my feelings was when at the beginning of Sunday School Nathan asked me to read a quote by Elder Bednar. He says, " The Lord desires, through His Atonement and by the power of the Holy Ghost, to live in us-- not only to direct us but also to empower us... Individual willpower, personal determination and motivation, effective planning and goal setting are necessary but ultimately insufficient for us to triumphantly complete this moral journey. Truly, we must come to rely upon 'the merits, and mercy, and grace of the Holy Messiah'... The enabling power of the Atonement strengthens us to do and be good and to serve beyond our own individual desire and natural capacity." I didn't even make it through the first sentence without crying. It seemed as if the quote were tailored perfectly to fit my situation the day before. I realized that the Atonement is so much more than we typically talk about. The enabling power of the Atonement is not only a nice feature but an essential part of the plan to gain eternal life. It's something that I can use every day for things that don't seem like they should matter to God, but they do. God cared that I wanted to conquer my fear. He cared about my safety and He granted me the peace that I needed to get through it all. I could not have done what I did yesterday if not for the grace of God. I understand that that may sound over the top, but I had it confirmed to me over and over again today. God cares and through the Atonement of Christ we can literally "do all things." I am eternally grateful for a Savior that cared enough for me to provide me with enabling power that I need so severely. I know that He lives and that He loves us. I am grateful for His "grace that so fully He proffers me." What an incredible miracle. I think this has been the best Easter yet.