the reality of fear

Fear. This is something I have struggled with my whole life. I've experienced all types of fears: fear of kidnapping, fear of being left out, fear of not getting into my program, fear of never measuring up, fear of loss and so much more. I have tried to overcome my fear throughout my whole life, and I don't know that I would say I've overcome my fear. I still feel fear, but I have learned how to deal with it.

As I began my second pregnancy I was filled with fear. I had no idea what would come of this pregnancy. With my first it was easy to not feel too much fear because I hadn't experienced the pain that comes with miscarriage yet. This time was different. I had my last miscarriage in the beginning of September and it was recent enough that the pain was still poignant. 

Then, I noticed that I didn't feel the same with this pregnancy as I did with my last. I didn't feel as sick. I was so worried about it while I was out in Texas visiting my sister that I had a break down. I was so filled with fear that I couldn't find the peace that I needed. One of the ways I have learned to help me deal with my fear is to have a priesthood blessing. Cole was able to give me a beautiful blessing that in no way said that we would have this baby, but rather that I would feel peace, and I felt that peace. 

As soon as we got home I called my doctor to go in for an early ultrasound. I just needed to know what was going on. I will spare you all the nitty gritty details, but the ultrasound wasn't good and they did some blood tests to figure out if I was going to have another miscarriage. I would find out my results on Thursday night.

I cannot express the fear I had in my heart as I awaited the call. Of course it was a busy week in school so I was busy doing group projects and trying not to break down every second. On Thursday morning I went to class as usual. One of my teachers who rarely shares spiritual things told us that his grandpa was in the hospital and that it wasn't looking good. He then told us of the story of Shadrach Meshach and Abednego. He talked about how they told the king that their God would save them from the fiery furnace, BUT IF NOT they would still not worship his idol. (Daniel 3: 17-18)

This reminded of what I had learned on my mission from a talk you can find here called "But if Not" by Elder Simmons. The power of this message is that it teaches what real faith is. Real faith is not saying that you know that God will produce a miracle. This is faith, but real faith is saying that we know God can produce a miracle, BUT IF NOT we will still be faithful. We will look for the other miracles He will compensate with, even if it's not the miracle we were hoping for. Real faith is trusting that He knows better than us and that what we truly want is for His will to be done. 

As my teacher reminded me of what I already knew I felt that was God's way of reminding me how to approach this situation to be able to handle it in the most faithful and peaceful way. It was a beautiful tender mercy that helped me through the day. 

As I called in for my results I sat in the car with Cole and held his hand. I knew I couldn't do this alone. When they told me that my levels had not gone up even close to as much as they should have I felt shock. Then intense pain. I cried and cried as Cole held me in his arms. I couldn't believe that I was going to have to go through this all over again. I even turned to Cole and I said to him, "Cole, I can't do this. I can't do this again. My heart is breaking and I don't think I will be able to handle the pain." Then I remembered that I don't have to do this alone. I remembered that through the enabling power of the Atonement of Christ would be with me and help me along every step of the way.  

I have felt that power throughout this process. I still have to go in for a lot of testing as the continue to figure out what exactly went wrong and hopefully find out what we can do to prevent this in the future. It's hard being continually reminded of the loss of this pregnancy, but God has sent His tender mercies. I had a big presentation the next day in front of recruiters and He blessed me to do better than my normal best. I have had family, group members, ward members, coworkers, and many others who have prayed for me and have listened and comforted me as I grieve yet another loss. And as I sat through the evening session of stake conference every talk seemed to be inapplicable, but one. One talk didn't fit with the theme at all, but it was perfectly tailored to my situation. I knew that was yet another way of God showing me how much He cared about me and that He was walking with me through this trial. 

I don't know why this is one of my trials in this life. I don't know why others seems to have children so easily and I don't. I don't know why being a mother, which is something I have prepared and hoped for my whole life, is being put on hold, but I don't have to have all the answers.

I don't like having to go through this. It's painful, it's emotional, and it's exhausting. But, I wouldn't take it back. Just as I said with my last miscarriage I know that things I am learning from this are worth it. I know that God's most important objective is to help me become like Him and if this is part of the way I'm going to become more Godlike then so be it. I also know that whenever we feel pain it makes our joy even more sweet. Therefore, when I do finally hold my own little baby in my arms that the joy will far exceed the pain. It will be more sweet than it could have been if I was able to just have a baby as soon as I wanted without any complications. I look forward with faith to that day. 

I am grateful for the enabling power of the Atonement which makes the seemingly impossible possible. I know that He has been with me while I have gone through this and given me strength beyond my own. I know that as I continue to walk in faith that my fondest dreams will be fulfilled. Maybe not in the way or timing I would hope for, but they will come. 

soul stretching days

Faith. It's the first principle of the gospel. Should be pretty basic, right? Nope. At least sometimes it isn't for me. The important thing to remember is that faith is really nothing unless you finish the phrase from the 4th Article of Faith. It's faith in the Lord Jesus Christ. That's what really matters. I sometimes I struggle with that.

Sometimes I want to have faith in the outcomes that have been promised to me by God, but that is the wrong thing to have faith in. Often times, I interpret the things God has promised me to be one thing, but they really end up being something completely different and ALWAYS BETTER. Turns out He really does know better than me. I don't know why I sometimes still struggle with that. The important thing is to have Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ and THEN the promised outcomes will fall into place. Not the other way around.

The past several months have been quite the roller coaster for me. Especially, the last week or so. I'm going on a mission, and I'm SUPER excited about it. I leave March 13. Leaving in March presents some interesting problems. The first of them is that I can't go to school because the semester ends in April. I was going to deal with this by just going to the first block of classes and take one class and then I would be able to keep working my BYU job. Well I found out last week that they changed the rules and you have to take six credits to work... that means I would end up paying more than I would make. Obviously, I am no longer going to do this. This was devastating for me. I need money. I need something to do. It seemed like the perfect solution, but obviously not. The Lord knows better. He understands my life much better than I do. So yet again, I need to trust Him.

Honestly, even if I died tomorrow I would be better off for making the decision to go on a mission. It has forced me to accept that God really does know better than me. I am doing what He has asked of me and so this experience is going to be for my benefit. That does NOT mean that everything will work out how I want it, but it does mean that it will all work out for my own good.

Finals. Need I say more? I switched my major to Business last year about this time.. Business is amazing and I love it, but it's hard. At least it is for me. This semester I took two of the hardest classes for business, or so I hear. I have worked my tail off in both of them. I did pretty badly in both of them as well. So frustrating. When I decided that I needed to change my major I prayed like crazy because I honestly didn't think I was capable of doing something that challenging. I made my decision, but I was still nervous.

That's when I read John 14:27, "Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid."

I felt very strongly when I read that scripture that it applied to my situation. I felt peace about changing my major, not because it made any sense like the world would think. I changed because I knew it was the better path for me. I was feeling peace because I can do anything with the grace that is provided to me through my Savior. When I felt this at the time I thought this would mean I would be blessed to be able to do well in my business classes if I put in my part. That has not always been the case.

I have been extremely blessed with my schooling, but I have struggled too. I put in 17 hours of studying for my Accounting final. So naturally, I thought I should do well. Nope. I bombed it. It's the lowest test score I've gotten at BYU and it's the test I studied the most for. You may think I'm exaggerating how bad my score was. Nope! It was bad. So bad that I'm too ashamed to post it...

I honestly, had some doubt there for a minute. I doubted God's plan for me. Why in the world did I feel peaceful about business if I was just going to fail?! True, I don't know that this one test score will make me not be able to get into the Marriott school, but it sure feels like it. I believe that for some reason or another God really needs my faith to increase. I need to have Faith in His son, Jesus Christ and the enabling power of His Atonement. This experience has just given me more reason to have to rely on that faith instead of faith in the promised outcome of being successful in my major, which is what I was promised in a blessing. Now, I know even more fully that I can't do this alone. The only way that I will be able to get into the Marriott school will be because that's what is right. And who knows? Maybe this is just supposed to take me down a path to something else. I have no clue, and that's OK. I'm not supposed to know the end. That's the whole point of having faith.

This past week has been a hard one, but I have been blessed to be able to feel my soul stretching. Faith is like a muscle in that way: the more we stretch and exercise it, the stronger it gets. Even though it's been hard, I'm thankful for these soul stretching days. They hurt in the moment, but as my mom so wisely put it, "the most important thing in our lives to accomplish is to move down the path towards salvation." That's what these days do. I'll take a bad test score and ruined plans if that's what I'm getting from it. Bring on the soul stretching! (Although, I wouldn't mind having a little break for the moment. ha!)

"an even greater yes"

I have recently been struggling with the perplexing matter of personal revelation. How am I supposed to know if it's God or just my thoughts? What if I'm interpreting my answer wrong? What if the answer I'm receiving feels like it's in complete objection to feelings of my heart? That last question is the one that has been plaguing me more than all the others. How am I supposed to follow the promptings I have received when they are in direct opposition to what my heart is wanting? The answer is that I can't do it. Not on my own, at least. I'm not even supposed to try to do this on my own. In thinking about this I read a talk by Elder Scott given in the most recent General Conference. One of my favorite quotes from that talk is this,

"Our Heavenly Father has not put us on earth to fail but to succeed gloriously. It may seem paradoxical, but that is why recognizing answers to prayer can sometimes be very difficult. Sometimes we unwisely try to face life by depending on our own experience and capacity. It is much wiser for us to seek through prayer and divine inspiration to know what to do. Our obedience assures that when required, we can qualify for divine power to accomplish an inspired objective."

I have learned just how true this is. I have decided to go against what my own selfish desires are and follow what the Lord has very clearly told me I have felt that extra strength. I know that I couldn't do this on my own, but with the Lord's help I am able to accomplish it because it is what He wants. And ultimately what He wants for me is really what I want for me.

Now that I have chosen this I have literally had help falling into my lap from every direction. It seems like every talk I stumble upon, every class I go to, and devotional I listen to was meant just for me. It was exactly what I needed to hear to sustain me. I have also had so many inspired family members and friends give me council that I dearly needed. One of the things that fell into my lap is a quote by Sister Holland in one of her opening devotionals at BYU.

"Sometimes in our sowing andreaping and sifting, it may seem that God say “no” or “not now” or “I don’tthink so” when what we want for him to say—what we wish our tapestry to receive—isan affirmative “yes” or “certainly, right now” or “of course it can be yours.”I want you to know that in my life when I have had disappointments and delays,I have lived to see that if I continue to knock with unshakable faith andpersist in my patience—waiting upon the Lord and his calendar—I have discoveredthat the Lord’s “no’s” are merely preludes to an even greater “yes.” I havelearned in the twenty-five years since I was your age that the very delays and denialswe worry about most, the very differences from each other that trouble ourself-esteem, are the differences and delays that are the very best for ourhappiness and fulfillment"

This is now one of my favorite quotes of all time. It is one of the main things that keeps me going even when my heart is trying to pull me in a completely different direction. A lot of power comes in knowing that if God is telling us no than all we have to look forward to is something even better. Yes, it's still hard, but having the help of the Lord makes the load a heck of a lot lighter.