the reality of fear

Fear. This is something I have struggled with my whole life. I've experienced all types of fears: fear of kidnapping, fear of being left out, fear of not getting into my program, fear of never measuring up, fear of loss and so much more. I have tried to overcome my fear throughout my whole life, and I don't know that I would say I've overcome my fear. I still feel fear, but I have learned how to deal with it.

As I began my second pregnancy I was filled with fear. I had no idea what would come of this pregnancy. With my first it was easy to not feel too much fear because I hadn't experienced the pain that comes with miscarriage yet. This time was different. I had my last miscarriage in the beginning of September and it was recent enough that the pain was still poignant. 

Then, I noticed that I didn't feel the same with this pregnancy as I did with my last. I didn't feel as sick. I was so worried about it while I was out in Texas visiting my sister that I had a break down. I was so filled with fear that I couldn't find the peace that I needed. One of the ways I have learned to help me deal with my fear is to have a priesthood blessing. Cole was able to give me a beautiful blessing that in no way said that we would have this baby, but rather that I would feel peace, and I felt that peace. 

As soon as we got home I called my doctor to go in for an early ultrasound. I just needed to know what was going on. I will spare you all the nitty gritty details, but the ultrasound wasn't good and they did some blood tests to figure out if I was going to have another miscarriage. I would find out my results on Thursday night.

I cannot express the fear I had in my heart as I awaited the call. Of course it was a busy week in school so I was busy doing group projects and trying not to break down every second. On Thursday morning I went to class as usual. One of my teachers who rarely shares spiritual things told us that his grandpa was in the hospital and that it wasn't looking good. He then told us of the story of Shadrach Meshach and Abednego. He talked about how they told the king that their God would save them from the fiery furnace, BUT IF NOT they would still not worship his idol. (Daniel 3: 17-18)

This reminded of what I had learned on my mission from a talk you can find here called "But if Not" by Elder Simmons. The power of this message is that it teaches what real faith is. Real faith is not saying that you know that God will produce a miracle. This is faith, but real faith is saying that we know God can produce a miracle, BUT IF NOT we will still be faithful. We will look for the other miracles He will compensate with, even if it's not the miracle we were hoping for. Real faith is trusting that He knows better than us and that what we truly want is for His will to be done. 

As my teacher reminded me of what I already knew I felt that was God's way of reminding me how to approach this situation to be able to handle it in the most faithful and peaceful way. It was a beautiful tender mercy that helped me through the day. 

As I called in for my results I sat in the car with Cole and held his hand. I knew I couldn't do this alone. When they told me that my levels had not gone up even close to as much as they should have I felt shock. Then intense pain. I cried and cried as Cole held me in his arms. I couldn't believe that I was going to have to go through this all over again. I even turned to Cole and I said to him, "Cole, I can't do this. I can't do this again. My heart is breaking and I don't think I will be able to handle the pain." Then I remembered that I don't have to do this alone. I remembered that through the enabling power of the Atonement of Christ would be with me and help me along every step of the way.  

I have felt that power throughout this process. I still have to go in for a lot of testing as the continue to figure out what exactly went wrong and hopefully find out what we can do to prevent this in the future. It's hard being continually reminded of the loss of this pregnancy, but God has sent His tender mercies. I had a big presentation the next day in front of recruiters and He blessed me to do better than my normal best. I have had family, group members, ward members, coworkers, and many others who have prayed for me and have listened and comforted me as I grieve yet another loss. And as I sat through the evening session of stake conference every talk seemed to be inapplicable, but one. One talk didn't fit with the theme at all, but it was perfectly tailored to my situation. I knew that was yet another way of God showing me how much He cared about me and that He was walking with me through this trial. 

I don't know why this is one of my trials in this life. I don't know why others seems to have children so easily and I don't. I don't know why being a mother, which is something I have prepared and hoped for my whole life, is being put on hold, but I don't have to have all the answers.

I don't like having to go through this. It's painful, it's emotional, and it's exhausting. But, I wouldn't take it back. Just as I said with my last miscarriage I know that things I am learning from this are worth it. I know that God's most important objective is to help me become like Him and if this is part of the way I'm going to become more Godlike then so be it. I also know that whenever we feel pain it makes our joy even more sweet. Therefore, when I do finally hold my own little baby in my arms that the joy will far exceed the pain. It will be more sweet than it could have been if I was able to just have a baby as soon as I wanted without any complications. I look forward with faith to that day. 

I am grateful for the enabling power of the Atonement which makes the seemingly impossible possible. I know that He has been with me while I have gone through this and given me strength beyond my own. I know that as I continue to walk in faith that my fondest dreams will be fulfilled. Maybe not in the way or timing I would hope for, but they will come. 

soul stretching days

Faith. It's the first principle of the gospel. Should be pretty basic, right? Nope. At least sometimes it isn't for me. The important thing to remember is that faith is really nothing unless you finish the phrase from the 4th Article of Faith. It's faith in the Lord Jesus Christ. That's what really matters. I sometimes I struggle with that.

Sometimes I want to have faith in the outcomes that have been promised to me by God, but that is the wrong thing to have faith in. Often times, I interpret the things God has promised me to be one thing, but they really end up being something completely different and ALWAYS BETTER. Turns out He really does know better than me. I don't know why I sometimes still struggle with that. The important thing is to have Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ and THEN the promised outcomes will fall into place. Not the other way around.

The past several months have been quite the roller coaster for me. Especially, the last week or so. I'm going on a mission, and I'm SUPER excited about it. I leave March 13. Leaving in March presents some interesting problems. The first of them is that I can't go to school because the semester ends in April. I was going to deal with this by just going to the first block of classes and take one class and then I would be able to keep working my BYU job. Well I found out last week that they changed the rules and you have to take six credits to work... that means I would end up paying more than I would make. Obviously, I am no longer going to do this. This was devastating for me. I need money. I need something to do. It seemed like the perfect solution, but obviously not. The Lord knows better. He understands my life much better than I do. So yet again, I need to trust Him.

Honestly, even if I died tomorrow I would be better off for making the decision to go on a mission. It has forced me to accept that God really does know better than me. I am doing what He has asked of me and so this experience is going to be for my benefit. That does NOT mean that everything will work out how I want it, but it does mean that it will all work out for my own good.

Finals. Need I say more? I switched my major to Business last year about this time.. Business is amazing and I love it, but it's hard. At least it is for me. This semester I took two of the hardest classes for business, or so I hear. I have worked my tail off in both of them. I did pretty badly in both of them as well. So frustrating. When I decided that I needed to change my major I prayed like crazy because I honestly didn't think I was capable of doing something that challenging. I made my decision, but I was still nervous.

That's when I read John 14:27, "Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid."

I felt very strongly when I read that scripture that it applied to my situation. I felt peace about changing my major, not because it made any sense like the world would think. I changed because I knew it was the better path for me. I was feeling peace because I can do anything with the grace that is provided to me through my Savior. When I felt this at the time I thought this would mean I would be blessed to be able to do well in my business classes if I put in my part. That has not always been the case.

I have been extremely blessed with my schooling, but I have struggled too. I put in 17 hours of studying for my Accounting final. So naturally, I thought I should do well. Nope. I bombed it. It's the lowest test score I've gotten at BYU and it's the test I studied the most for. You may think I'm exaggerating how bad my score was. Nope! It was bad. So bad that I'm too ashamed to post it...

I honestly, had some doubt there for a minute. I doubted God's plan for me. Why in the world did I feel peaceful about business if I was just going to fail?! True, I don't know that this one test score will make me not be able to get into the Marriott school, but it sure feels like it. I believe that for some reason or another God really needs my faith to increase. I need to have Faith in His son, Jesus Christ and the enabling power of His Atonement. This experience has just given me more reason to have to rely on that faith instead of faith in the promised outcome of being successful in my major, which is what I was promised in a blessing. Now, I know even more fully that I can't do this alone. The only way that I will be able to get into the Marriott school will be because that's what is right. And who knows? Maybe this is just supposed to take me down a path to something else. I have no clue, and that's OK. I'm not supposed to know the end. That's the whole point of having faith.

This past week has been a hard one, but I have been blessed to be able to feel my soul stretching. Faith is like a muscle in that way: the more we stretch and exercise it, the stronger it gets. Even though it's been hard, I'm thankful for these soul stretching days. They hurt in the moment, but as my mom so wisely put it, "the most important thing in our lives to accomplish is to move down the path towards salvation." That's what these days do. I'll take a bad test score and ruined plans if that's what I'm getting from it. Bring on the soul stretching! (Although, I wouldn't mind having a little break for the moment. ha!)

rappelling into the depths of the Atonement

     I have a lot of fears. I always have. One of my biggest fears is heights. I seriously can't handle them... at all. Because of this fear there are a lot of things that are difficult for me to want to even try. So, when my roomies started planning a rappelling trip in Moab I wasn't even considering it. Then I started thinking about how I would be home alone if I didn't go and I would miss out on good memories. I decided I would try rappelling first and then see how I was feeling. I tried it with my brother-in-law, Kevin, and it kind of freaked me out. I told my roommates that I couldn't go because I was too weak sauce and was planning on leaving it at that. Then they kept asking me to please just try it one more time and see. I decided to try again the next day and as I prayed that night I asked Heavenly Father to please give me the strength and courage to overcome my fear enough to be able to do this. I went the next day and I was completely fine. I was really confused by this because of how I had been just the day before, then it hit me. Heavenly Father had given me the strength and courage to do it.
     I went on the trip and was extremely fun. We went through a beautiful canyon and we were able to experience nature in a way that you can't any other way. There were some really scary parts along the way. Each of us had our own times that we had minor breakdowns and were really scared, but we made it through. I had expected that I would have a good time, but what I didn't expect was how my testimony of the enabling power would grow in a way I didn't think was possible. As we were rappelling down this beautiful canyon I was nervous and I said a LOT of prayers. On the first rappel I felt fine even though it was 130ish feet down and I knew that that calm was from God.

Sam and I at the first rappel.

     Then we got to the second rappel. It didn't look bad at all. It wasn't very high but then we saw the anchor and it didn't look super strong, but Nathan said it would be fine and went down just fine. Then it was my turn. First of all, it was kind of a freaky start for me, but I got past that. Then when I was part way down the first ledge the anchor slide forward. It didn't slide all the way or let me fall, but let me tell you, it was SO SCARY. I literally can't think of a time that I have ever been more scared. I couldn't go back up so I prayed the whole way down and I made it down fine. Then, we had to worry about Becca and Sam down safely. Becca came down ok, but then Sam came and she was carrying a heavy backpack so I was really nervous about her coming down safely. Becca and I were at the bottom watching and we could tell she was really nervous, understandably so, so I said a prayer. Instantly I felt an incredible sense of peace flood over me. I knew Sam would make it down fine. She did and we were all relieved to be done with that one.

Becca coming down the second tier on the second rappel.

     Then we had to search for a way down and we did one last rappel, which was only nerve racking because we were already kind of on edge from the other one. We all ended up making it out of the canyon just fine and having had a good time. I felt a huge sense of accomplishment. I had done something that I thought I would never be able to do because of my fear of heights. It was an incredible feeling. Then I got to church and I had forgotten that it was Easter Sunday. As I sat through sacrament meeting I couldn't help but cry a little bit through the whole thing. I realized as I sat listening to beautiful music and inspired words of speakers that my experience was directly related to the Atonement of Jesus Christ and that it was truly through his enabling power that I was able to get through it. I know it might sound odd saying that you need the Atonement to go rappelling through a canyon, but I really did. I couldn't have done it on my own. My Bishop quoted Elder Holland's talk when he told us that because the Savior was completely alone we never have to be. Sometimes that is fulfilled by people literally being with us. That was most certainly true for this trip. Nathan was the only reason I was able to make it through that canyon without loosing my head completely. He basically pulled all of us up the mountain and made sure that everything was secure. He made my path so much easier and doable for someone with my kind of fears.
     The climax of my feelings was when at the beginning of Sunday School Nathan asked me to read a quote by Elder Bednar. He says, " The Lord desires, through His Atonement and by the power of the Holy Ghost, to live in us-- not only to direct us but also to empower us... Individual willpower, personal determination and motivation, effective planning and goal setting are necessary but ultimately insufficient for us to triumphantly complete this moral journey. Truly, we must come to rely upon 'the merits, and mercy, and grace of the Holy Messiah'... The enabling power of the Atonement strengthens us to do and be good and to serve beyond our own individual desire and natural capacity." I didn't even make it through the first sentence without crying. It seemed as if the quote were tailored perfectly to fit my situation the day before. I realized that the Atonement is so much more than we typically talk about. The enabling power of the Atonement is not only a nice feature but an essential part of the plan to gain eternal life. It's something that I can use every day for things that don't seem like they should matter to God, but they do. God cared that I wanted to conquer my fear. He cared about my safety and He granted me the peace that I needed to get through it all. I could not have done what I did yesterday if not for the grace of God. I understand that that may sound over the top, but I had it confirmed to me over and over again today. God cares and through the Atonement of Christ we can literally "do all things." I am eternally grateful for a Savior that cared enough for me to provide me with enabling power that I need so severely. I know that He lives and that He loves us. I am grateful for His "grace that so fully He proffers me." What an incredible miracle. I think this has been the best Easter yet.