My dearest family,
This
week has been wonderful! Last week of transfers is becoming a favorite of mine.
There is just more love flowing than normal because no one knows who is going
to be leaving or if there will be a change. We found out that my companion and
I will be separated. I'm going to miss her. She's an incredible missionary and
we got along so well, but I'm excited to work with my new companion! She's
been in our zone so I've worked with her a bit and I LOVE her! She's awesome!
One
of the best things that happened this week was finally meeting an investigator
that lives in our apartment block. She is a young, single mum and I LOVE her.
She is so GOLDEN! She has a religious background so it all makes sense to her
and she is super keen to learn more! You can tell she really listens when we
speak. She also came to church on Sunday and the ward enveloped her in love and
support. I have never seen the ward reach out so much. We even had a member
call us after and say thank you for letting her meet her and that she wants to
be her friend and come along to lessons! Say What?! Music to our ears! It was
amazing! Our investigator loved church and before we could even invite her to
come again next week she was like, "well yeah I loved that! I'll be back
next week!" Woot woot! Now we just have to make sure Satan doesn't get to
her because he can be quite obnoxious that way.
Another
cool experience was on Saturday we were going out to tract and I was really
struggling to have the desire and to just know where to go. So we stopped and
we prayed. I prayed so hard for the desire and energy to be able to not just go
out, but to go out with my whole heart and that we would be lead to the elect.
I have never been good at praying for a street, but I really wanted to try it
again so we prayed for quite some time. I wasn't even sure what I was feeling,
but I felt slightly inclined to a specific suburb after a lot of prayer and
pondering. Then I noticed a few streets, but I was pretty sure I just noticed
them because they were weird names. So we decided to go there and try it
out because we had nothing else. I was praying to have the faith to find
the elect. We came to the street and we had to decide whether to go right or
left. Left was much more logical, but I decided to say a quick prayer and I
felt we should go to the right so we did. Then I was praying to know which
house (we don't go to them all at night because it can be unsafe.) One house
stood out to me so we pulled over and knocked on the door. These three adorable
children came to the door and their dad. The dad was Atheist but very kind and
the kids were super receptive. They loved hearing about the Book of Mormon. It
reminded me of all of the times that Christ said that we should become like a
child. They were so prepared to hear the gospel and they want to learn more.
The 11 year old girl after we read the scripture looked at me and said,
"wow I really liked that!" I was a bit taken off guard. I didn't even
think she would understand it. They are amazing and next time we're hoping to
get their mum involved too, but the kids are keen to learn and the dad is
totally fine with it! It was amazing! God was so good to us. I love teaching
kids. They are amazing!
Another
highlight of the week was interviews with President. It's always nice to chat
with President. He is so inspiring. I talked to him a bit about how I always
feel guilty about not doing enough and that it can really get me down and he
was very helpful, but he also said that if I wanted to that I could talk with
the area doctor over emotional and mental health over the phone. I said I would
be ok because the thought of that made me feel like I was weak, especially
since none of my siblings had to. Then, as the day went on I had those feelings
of guilt again and I realized that I was being prideful to not talk to the
doctor. What would it hurt? So I phoned President and told him that I would
like to chat with the doctor. I talked to him today and it was AMAZINGLY
helpful.
He
really helped me identify some things that are a part of my habits and really
my nature now that I can actually change. I have been praying to Heavenly
Father to help me change the part of me that is too hard on myself and I really
feel like this was my answer. Mom and Dad, you would have loved it! He told me,
after we had chatted for a bit that I use a carrot and stick motivation system.
That means that I always feel like there
is more to do so I never "eat the carrot." The stick is all of
the negative thoughts that I say to reprimand myself.
Then,
he said that there is a motivation system that God uses that works much better.
That is a value/love based motivation. You do things because you believe that
they're true and that right thing to do. You do it because you love. That is
what motivated the Savior. I do have some of that in me, but I fall into the
carrot and stick trap all the time. He said that when you put the wrong kind of
pressures on yourself then you have all of these opposing forces that come
after you too that push you down and that it can eventually decrease your
values and love. So he told me that I have to eat the carrot, but I told him I
had NO clue how to eat the carrot.
He
said you have to first BELIEVE that you can eat the carrot and throw away the
stick. Then you have to break an old habit. Today we talked about the first
part, believing that eating the carrot really is the right thing to do. He
talked about how in D&C 121 it says "let virtue garnish thy thoughts,
THEN shall thy confidence wax strong in the presence of God." He then
informed me that it is not virtuous to think negatively about myself.
If I want the blessing of confidence in my ability as a missionary then I
really have to eliminate those negative thoughts.
Then
he had me imagine what the Savior would say about my missionary service. He
said He would give me love and appreciation and that would motivate me to do
and be better. My performance and effectiveness would increase more from
that than if the Savior reprimanded me the whole time.
He
also pointed out that when I feel excessively guilty and down on myself after a
meeting or study that that is Satan. Satan can't get me to do the
obviously bad things so he will try to make me overdose on the good because
that will lead me to crash and burn. I need to remember whenever I start to
feel those feelings of guilt and low self worth that those are not from God.
God teaches us bit by bit and He helps us see the good as we try bit by bit to
become even better. That really opened my mind. I have heard all of these
principles before, but hearing them put together like that really made it make
sense.
Then
when I was reading in the Book of Mormon this morning I read in Helaman
13:29 "how long will ye choose darkness rather than light?" I felt
God telling me that this is something that I need to truly believe in
because it is the way of light and happiness. God doesn't want me to be
miserable, that's Satan. God wants me to have peace and satisfaction and
GRADUAL growth on my pursuit of perfection. I am really going to try to really
strengthen my belief that it is ok to eat the carrot instead of thinking that
that will mean I never realize my full potential. I realized this will help me
be able to soar to greater heights than I could if I kept going in the
"never quite good enough" way.
It
was amazing when I was saying my prayers, I felt very clearly that this is one
of the reasons I needed to come on a mission. To resolve this problem because
as God has told me time and time again, He has great things in store for me
and I need to be prepared. I am so excited to learn how to do this better and
through the enabling power of the Atonement be able to overcome this weakness.
It's so exciting! I LOVE being a missionary. God takes such good care of me.
I
love you all. Thank you for your love and support. You mean the world to
me! Make it a great day!
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