Well
first of all, I'm sorry that I didn't write on Monday again. We had preparation
day switched again because we get to go to the temple today! I cannot even
begin to express how grateful I am for that. We're going as a zone, which will
be fun. There are quite a few new missionaries in the zone so it will be
awesome to get to know them better.
Speaking of changes in our zone, turns out I love people waaay too much. It was so sad to say goodbye to missionaries that I've been serving with. I just feel this intense love, non-romantical of course, for people. I love getting to know people but it's really not very fun to say goodbye. I suppose I'll get better at this whole transfer thing as time goes on. That was not something I anticipated being hard on a mission. I was so blessed to have incredible leaders and I'm glad I at least get to keep one of them. I'm also THRILLED to be staying in Halls Head with my companion. She's awesome. I wasn't ready to lose her yet and I most definitely was not ready to leave the Mandurah ward and the people we've been teaching. Part of me just wants to stay here my whole mission. Oh and my companion and I were made Sister Training leaders so that should be interesting. I love that we will get to go up to leadership council, but I'm most definitely under qualified. But I know that God wouldn't have asked me to do it if it wasn't for a reason. I can't wait to learn from the sisters in our zone!
This past week we went to teach a lesson to a former investigator who has heaps of questions and hard ones too. She started throwing them out at us and then she'd look at us like, "yeah that's right, try to answer that one sweetheart." Normally, I just want to argue with those people, but I knew I wasn't supposed to on a mission, nor would it be effective. So, I prayed to see her as God does and to be able to answer her questions with love and clarity. I felt so much love in my heart for her. I never felt annoyed with her or anything. Just love. You all know me and know that that is a MIRACLE! I was so blessed. God was so good to me. He helped me to be able to have patience and clear answers that were WAY beyond my normal capacity. I felt so blessed.
I've also been trying to be better about my prayers. As a missionary, you say about 1 million prayers everyday, rough estimate. So, sometimes it's hard to make them all sincere. I've been really struggling to make my morning and evening prayers sincere especially because I'm so dead tired and my head it always in a million different directions. But Adam Hewlett and I have been emailing and the last email he sent me was about prayer and an article he read in this month's ensign. I read the article and it changed my whole view on prayer. All of you go read it. Now. It's by Elder Pearson. The part that really hit me is that a lot of the article is dedicated to preparing to pray. Wow. I had NEVER thought of that before. I need to prepare myself to talk to God. It makes complete sense and let me tell you it works. He gives some suggestions for ways to help you focus and prepare to pray with a humble and grateful heart. The prayer I said immediately after was so sacred and special to me. I felt the reality of God being my loving Heavenly Father in a way that I have only felt a few times before. I could feel His arm around my shoulder telling me that He was pleased with me and that it was all going to be ok. I know I still have a long way to go before my prayers really are adequate. There is so much more in that article you have to go read it. He laid it out so simply and beautifully. I loved it. I copied down nearly the whole thing in my topical composition study notebook.
Then on Saturday we were out and one of our former investigators member friends called us to tell us why she hasn't been talking to us anymore and to encourage us to go back and try to talk to her again. He didn't know we were on speakerphone so he told my companion that the reason she stopped contact was because of me. She said I was too pushy. When I heard that my heart was on the floor. I only met her once, but I love her so much. I didn't even remember being pushy. It was one of my first lessons that I had when I came to Australia so I was pretty fresh, but I still felt terrible. Getting told that you are the reason that someone stopped listening feels terrible. I had no pride left. It was the first time I wanted to really give up. I started thinking about how her eternal salvation was in peril because of me and that I was a terrible missionary and blah, blah, blah... I started having a very negative conversation with myself. Then I remembered my theme for this transfer. It's a quote from one of Sister Holland's talks that I have on my iPod here. "Be patient in your pursuit of perfection." Then she gives us three ways to be less hard on ourselves.
Speaking of changes in our zone, turns out I love people waaay too much. It was so sad to say goodbye to missionaries that I've been serving with. I just feel this intense love, non-romantical of course, for people. I love getting to know people but it's really not very fun to say goodbye. I suppose I'll get better at this whole transfer thing as time goes on. That was not something I anticipated being hard on a mission. I was so blessed to have incredible leaders and I'm glad I at least get to keep one of them. I'm also THRILLED to be staying in Halls Head with my companion. She's awesome. I wasn't ready to lose her yet and I most definitely was not ready to leave the Mandurah ward and the people we've been teaching. Part of me just wants to stay here my whole mission. Oh and my companion and I were made Sister Training leaders so that should be interesting. I love that we will get to go up to leadership council, but I'm most definitely under qualified. But I know that God wouldn't have asked me to do it if it wasn't for a reason. I can't wait to learn from the sisters in our zone!
This past week we went to teach a lesson to a former investigator who has heaps of questions and hard ones too. She started throwing them out at us and then she'd look at us like, "yeah that's right, try to answer that one sweetheart." Normally, I just want to argue with those people, but I knew I wasn't supposed to on a mission, nor would it be effective. So, I prayed to see her as God does and to be able to answer her questions with love and clarity. I felt so much love in my heart for her. I never felt annoyed with her or anything. Just love. You all know me and know that that is a MIRACLE! I was so blessed. God was so good to me. He helped me to be able to have patience and clear answers that were WAY beyond my normal capacity. I felt so blessed.
I've also been trying to be better about my prayers. As a missionary, you say about 1 million prayers everyday, rough estimate. So, sometimes it's hard to make them all sincere. I've been really struggling to make my morning and evening prayers sincere especially because I'm so dead tired and my head it always in a million different directions. But Adam Hewlett and I have been emailing and the last email he sent me was about prayer and an article he read in this month's ensign. I read the article and it changed my whole view on prayer. All of you go read it. Now. It's by Elder Pearson. The part that really hit me is that a lot of the article is dedicated to preparing to pray. Wow. I had NEVER thought of that before. I need to prepare myself to talk to God. It makes complete sense and let me tell you it works. He gives some suggestions for ways to help you focus and prepare to pray with a humble and grateful heart. The prayer I said immediately after was so sacred and special to me. I felt the reality of God being my loving Heavenly Father in a way that I have only felt a few times before. I could feel His arm around my shoulder telling me that He was pleased with me and that it was all going to be ok. I know I still have a long way to go before my prayers really are adequate. There is so much more in that article you have to go read it. He laid it out so simply and beautifully. I loved it. I copied down nearly the whole thing in my topical composition study notebook.
Then on Saturday we were out and one of our former investigators member friends called us to tell us why she hasn't been talking to us anymore and to encourage us to go back and try to talk to her again. He didn't know we were on speakerphone so he told my companion that the reason she stopped contact was because of me. She said I was too pushy. When I heard that my heart was on the floor. I only met her once, but I love her so much. I didn't even remember being pushy. It was one of my first lessons that I had when I came to Australia so I was pretty fresh, but I still felt terrible. Getting told that you are the reason that someone stopped listening feels terrible. I had no pride left. It was the first time I wanted to really give up. I started thinking about how her eternal salvation was in peril because of me and that I was a terrible missionary and blah, blah, blah... I started having a very negative conversation with myself. Then I remembered my theme for this transfer. It's a quote from one of Sister Holland's talks that I have on my iPod here. "Be patient in your pursuit of perfection." Then she gives us three ways to be less hard on ourselves.
#1 Remember that any failure
with the gospel of Jesus Christ is only temporary.
#2 No self pity. None.
#3 Eliminate all could haves,
would haves, should haves, and if onlys.
I was
doing the opposite of all of those three things. So I picked myself up by the
bootstraps and went in to see our other investigator. I had to take deep
breaths and I still couldn't stop the tears, but I prayed with all my heart for
help. I knew I had to pull it together. We went and talked to our other
investigator and then we got in the car to drive to a less active. The song,
"I am His daughter" came
on. I can't tell you how often music is the answer to my prayers, but it
happened again. The lyrics are, "I'm
part of the bigger picture. He loves me the way I am; He's my strength when
I stand. He is my king and my Father. I am His daughter." There
are other parts of the song that helped too, but that part is the part that
helped me understand that God loved me the way I AM not just the way I should
be. Yes, I can progress and become a better missionary, but what's in the past
is in the past and I just need to learn from it.
Then
our less active wasn't home so we needed to go night tracting. That was the
last thing I wanted to do when I felt like this, but I realized that this was
the moment that I could show God that I was a consecrated missionary. I kept
repeating Sister Holland's quote in my head over and over and praying for help
and you know what I did it. I went night tracting and everyone was super nice,
super not interested as well, but it was a tender mercy that they were all kind
and I was able to feel God's satisfaction with my work and that is all that
really matters. I feel so blessed to have had that experience. It still hurts.
It still makes my heart ache inside when I think about it, but I'm NOT going to
let that slow me down. I'm going to let it propel me forward!
I love
you my dearest family! Thank you for all you do for me:)
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