the reality of fear

Fear. This is something I have struggled with my whole life. I've experienced all types of fears: fear of kidnapping, fear of being left out, fear of not getting into my program, fear of never measuring up, fear of loss and so much more. I have tried to overcome my fear throughout my whole life, and I don't know that I would say I've overcome my fear. I still feel fear, but I have learned how to deal with it.

As I began my second pregnancy I was filled with fear. I had no idea what would come of this pregnancy. With my first it was easy to not feel too much fear because I hadn't experienced the pain that comes with miscarriage yet. This time was different. I had my last miscarriage in the beginning of September and it was recent enough that the pain was still poignant. 

Then, I noticed that I didn't feel the same with this pregnancy as I did with my last. I didn't feel as sick. I was so worried about it while I was out in Texas visiting my sister that I had a break down. I was so filled with fear that I couldn't find the peace that I needed. One of the ways I have learned to help me deal with my fear is to have a priesthood blessing. Cole was able to give me a beautiful blessing that in no way said that we would have this baby, but rather that I would feel peace, and I felt that peace. 

As soon as we got home I called my doctor to go in for an early ultrasound. I just needed to know what was going on. I will spare you all the nitty gritty details, but the ultrasound wasn't good and they did some blood tests to figure out if I was going to have another miscarriage. I would find out my results on Thursday night.

I cannot express the fear I had in my heart as I awaited the call. Of course it was a busy week in school so I was busy doing group projects and trying not to break down every second. On Thursday morning I went to class as usual. One of my teachers who rarely shares spiritual things told us that his grandpa was in the hospital and that it wasn't looking good. He then told us of the story of Shadrach Meshach and Abednego. He talked about how they told the king that their God would save them from the fiery furnace, BUT IF NOT they would still not worship his idol. (Daniel 3: 17-18)

This reminded of what I had learned on my mission from a talk you can find here called "But if Not" by Elder Simmons. The power of this message is that it teaches what real faith is. Real faith is not saying that you know that God will produce a miracle. This is faith, but real faith is saying that we know God can produce a miracle, BUT IF NOT we will still be faithful. We will look for the other miracles He will compensate with, even if it's not the miracle we were hoping for. Real faith is trusting that He knows better than us and that what we truly want is for His will to be done. 

As my teacher reminded me of what I already knew I felt that was God's way of reminding me how to approach this situation to be able to handle it in the most faithful and peaceful way. It was a beautiful tender mercy that helped me through the day. 

As I called in for my results I sat in the car with Cole and held his hand. I knew I couldn't do this alone. When they told me that my levels had not gone up even close to as much as they should have I felt shock. Then intense pain. I cried and cried as Cole held me in his arms. I couldn't believe that I was going to have to go through this all over again. I even turned to Cole and I said to him, "Cole, I can't do this. I can't do this again. My heart is breaking and I don't think I will be able to handle the pain." Then I remembered that I don't have to do this alone. I remembered that through the enabling power of the Atonement of Christ would be with me and help me along every step of the way.  

I have felt that power throughout this process. I still have to go in for a lot of testing as the continue to figure out what exactly went wrong and hopefully find out what we can do to prevent this in the future. It's hard being continually reminded of the loss of this pregnancy, but God has sent His tender mercies. I had a big presentation the next day in front of recruiters and He blessed me to do better than my normal best. I have had family, group members, ward members, coworkers, and many others who have prayed for me and have listened and comforted me as I grieve yet another loss. And as I sat through the evening session of stake conference every talk seemed to be inapplicable, but one. One talk didn't fit with the theme at all, but it was perfectly tailored to my situation. I knew that was yet another way of God showing me how much He cared about me and that He was walking with me through this trial. 

I don't know why this is one of my trials in this life. I don't know why others seems to have children so easily and I don't. I don't know why being a mother, which is something I have prepared and hoped for my whole life, is being put on hold, but I don't have to have all the answers.

I don't like having to go through this. It's painful, it's emotional, and it's exhausting. But, I wouldn't take it back. Just as I said with my last miscarriage I know that things I am learning from this are worth it. I know that God's most important objective is to help me become like Him and if this is part of the way I'm going to become more Godlike then so be it. I also know that whenever we feel pain it makes our joy even more sweet. Therefore, when I do finally hold my own little baby in my arms that the joy will far exceed the pain. It will be more sweet than it could have been if I was able to just have a baby as soon as I wanted without any complications. I look forward with faith to that day. 

I am grateful for the enabling power of the Atonement which makes the seemingly impossible possible. I know that He has been with me while I have gone through this and given me strength beyond my own. I know that as I continue to walk in faith that my fondest dreams will be fulfilled. Maybe not in the way or timing I would hope for, but they will come. 

the love story: THE PROPOSAL

Yours Truly: 

So it all began by Cole telling me that the Bishop from his home ward wanted to meet with us in preparation to get married. I know, I know, this should have seemed weird to me but Cole was really close with his Bishop so I totally bought it. We headed over and I thought nothing of it. Although, right before we went inside he started acting funny. He stopped me and gave me a HUGE hug. That's when I new something was up.

Cole: 

I've never had a heart attack before, but boy did I feel close.. My friends were all waiting at the church ready for me to ask the most important question I'll ever ask.

Yours Truly:

As soon as we walked in two former missionaries from my mission walked up with their badges on and said, "Sister Tanner, you need to come with us." I turned to Cole and basically screamed, "WE'RE GETTING ENGAGED!?!?" and he told me to just go with them. I get in there and the room was set up like a zone meeting with a lot of Cole's friends there with their badges on. Cole's best friend Austin was leading the discussion out. They were talking about Christlike attributes of Cole. It was hilarious, but also really sweet to hear about some of the things his friends had to say about him. Then, the "assistants" got a call and said that my mission president needed to speak with me. 

Cole: 

As soon as Annie left me, it was game time. I knew I could trust the biggest project of my life thus far in the hands of my best friend Austin. As he conducted the zone meeting, he, along with about twelve other of my best friends, were absolutely brilliant! I went and stood behind the big curtain in the cultural hall, anxiously waiting to ask the question.

Yours Truly:

So then they take me over to a projector and everyone leaves. They started a video recording, which by the way had technical difficulties and Cole's brother had to come in and try to get it to work. Ha! Then, it finally worked. It was a video of my mission president telling me how much he and his wife loved and missed me. It was the sweetest video and of course I got all weepy. Then at the end of his video he said something about how there was another missionary from our mission that had been practicing bold invitations and that I should turn around and "engage" in the real thing.

Cole: 

By this point, there was no turning back.... but luckily, I didn't have any desire to :)

Yours Truly:

I turned around and Cole was there. He got down on one knee, pulled out the most beautiful ring I've ever seen (although I did pick it out) and asked me if I would marry him. Of course I said yes and cried. It was perfect. Then he took me into the other side of the cultural hall that had a table set up with china and it had corn dogs, cotton candy, and coconut cream pie. Three of my all time favorite things. I was so happy! I felt like it was a dream.

5 benefits of not being the "top" student

For all of my life I have had to work hard for my grades. School has felt like a battlefield. I am constantly fighting to stay on top of things. I work hard and I don't always see the results that I would like. I also have friends and acquaintances that don't have to work nearly as hard. School came naturally to them and they seemed to always do better than me and to spend half the time that I spent working on it. I used to be frustrated by this, but just recently as I was pondering on this topic, I realized that there have been some major benefits from not being the "top" student.  

1. I know how to learn. Because I have had to work hard for nearly every good grade that I got it wasn't a shock to come to college and actually have to work hard at learning. Yes, I did have some ridiculously easy classes in high school, but the honors and AP classes I took were hard for me. I had to spend hours studying to get the concepts down. It wasn't hard for me to transition into college life that requires a lot more studying than most are used to. This also kept me from getting that awful freshman GPA that everyone talks about. 
2. I'm okay with asking for help. I've noticed that because I had accepted the fact that I need help, it doesn't bother me, or hurt my pride to go talk to the professor or TA and get the help that I need. This has been a huge blessing as I have gone throughout my schooling. I have been able to make connections and really learn things. Not just memorize them for a test, but I have learned how to make the knowledge become apart of me and apply it into my life. I have talked with a lot of people that have never been into a TA lab in their life... totally a foreign concept to me. I live in those labs. This also translates into other aspects of my life. I have found that it has helped me learn to ask for help when I need it in more things than just school and many people don't know how to do that because they have never had to. 
3. It's brought me greater perspective. So often school is all about our grades. I have had many instances where I have studied and mastered a topic, but because tests are hard for me I have still done poorly. You may think that I really didn't have it mastered, but in one instance I was literally teaching the whole lab and then still did worse than most there. Testing is just not my thing. This has forced me to remember what I believe knowledge is for. Knowledge is one of the few things that we can take with us after we die, but it's so much more. It's something that gives us depth and understanding of the world. Knowledge gives us the ability to add to a conversation intelligently. Knowledge is what helps us reach our potential. Knowledge allows us to be more understanding of others. There have been many times as I look at my test score that I have to remind myself that there is so much more to life and school than a grade.
4. It has helped me have empathy. When people come to me feeling frustrated about school and feeling like they will never be good enough, I know how they feel. We all experience things differently, but I can understand, to some degree, where they are coming from. I get what it is like to feel hopeless. I get what it is like to feel like you'll never be smart enough. I get it. This is one of those things that it's just not very fun to talk about with someone who has school smarts. It just makes you feel even more dumb. It's good to talk with someone you love and respect but struggles as well. I know it helped me. 
5. I know where true knowledge comes from. Struggling with school has helped me realize that true knowledge comes from God. I believe that God cares about all aspects of our lives, but sometimes He allows us to not do as well as we would like because the lessons from "failing" are greater than the lessons from "succeeding." There have been times that the "failing", or not doing as well as I would like, have taught me significant lessons that have blessed my life and have changed me forever. I would take the things I have learned from those times over good grades every time. I realize that God has a plan for me. He knows the things I need to learn and He will allow me to experience the "failures" in order for me to learn the lessons I need. He is the source of true knowledge. This also helped me realize that whenever I was able to master a concept that this was from God. It wasn't because I'm so smart, but because He was blessing me. It's a lot easier to be humble, when you don't always get the grade you want. 

All of this being said, I don't think I am superior to people who have the gift of school smarts. I think it's great that some people are blessed with that and they learn these principles in other areas of their lives. We all have different gifts and struggles. I just realized, as I reflected on this struggle, that this is something I am grateful for. It changed my perspective from frustration to gratitude.

overcoming loss and discouragement

I have been surrounded by miscarriages my whole life. Many people close to me have had them and I always felt sorry for them, but I had no idea what they actually went through. I grossly underestimated the pain, grief, and despair that comes with a miscarriage. To understand that I had to go through it myself. 

One week ago today, while I was in Rome, I lost my sweet baby that I have grown to love so much these few months. I was far away from home in a country where I didn't speak the language or know anyone. I have never wanted to be home so badly.

I'm not going to lie, this is the hardest thing I have had to experience in my life thus far. I felt a strong connection to my baby. I have been excited to be a mom for as long as I can remember. I have day dreamed about it and now it was finally going to be a reality. I couldn't contain my excitement. 

I had some very spiritual experiences with this baby and when Cole gave me a blessing at the beginning of my pregnancy I felt like everything was going to work out. In my mind I thought that meant I wouldn't have a miscarriage. For a lot of my life I have assumed the worst and then been pleasantly surprised if the best happened. This was one of the first times in my life that I didn't do that. 

As I started spotting blood I still felt very hopeful that I wouldn't lose this baby. I felt at peace. But just before we went to bed the bleeding got worse and that was the first time I faced the reality that I could very likely lose this baby. I felt a depth of sorrow and loss I have never experienced before. 

I felt like Cole and I should watch a Mormon message and read some scriptures. As we did together we felt a very clear impression: God knows us. He understands our situation. And just because we have faith in miracles does not mean that the miracles we want will happen. I felt that in the eternal scheme of things, Cole and I learning this lesson would be something that would bring us closer to God. 

I remembered a quote from Elder Scott's talk Trust in the Lord. He said, "Your Father in Heaven and His Beloved Son love you perfectly. They would not require you to experience a moment more of difficulty than is absolutely needed for your personal benefit or for that of those you love."

I knew in my heart that this was true. If this was something that would be of no benefit to me I truly believe He would have stepped in and healed me. But I believe He allowed this to happen to draw us closer together and closer to Him. 

I also felt a very strong impression that angels would be with me to bear me up. He never leaves us alone. As I have been through this experience I can testify that angels have been all around. 

My first angel is my sweet husband Cole. He cried with me. He rubbed my feet as I tried to sleep. He did anything he could to make me comfortable and he made a lot of calls to make things happen. I could not have done this without his support. 

My mom was another angel and one of the most important. She cried with me as I told her of my pain and sorrow and worries. I felt her love from clear across the world. She made lots of calls and stayed up most of the night in order to help me and be there for me. I honestly don't know of any woman more selfless and kind. 

All of my family were angels. Diane, my mother-in-law, called a nurse for me and called us and expressed her sympathy, that meant the world to me. Genna, my sister-in-law called and gave me advice and most importantly just showed how much she cared. I've received prayers and texts from all of my family and I have felt power beyond my own because of their love and support. What a blessing to have family on both sides who are so supportive and truly angles in my life. 

Also my sister Michelle and her husband Kevin (they were on the trip with us.) They were amazing. This put a huge damper on the trip but I never sensed even an ounce of frustration. They got me food and supplies and my sister cleaned up all of the blood. She cleaned our room and made sure everything was perfect when we came home. Such a relief for me. 

One of the most miracles set of angels were the sweetest senior couple I have ever met. Cole found a contact number for the assistants here and they got us in touch with the mission nurse. She made special arrangements for me to see a doctor at an international hospital even though they are normally closed on Sunday. 

They drove there to meet us. Then this sweet woman I had never met before encircled me in her arms and cried with me. I felt the love of the Savior through her. Then they drove us around to get money from an ATM to pay for the doctor and drove us home. We literally wouldn't have been able to do it without them. They were a miracle. 

Then when we got home late Thursday night some of my best friends had gotten me flowers with a nice note and the perfect willow tree statue. It was called prayer of peace. I had been feeling during the rest of my trip that I wanted something to remember this baby by, but I wasn't sure what it should be. As soon as I saw that I knew it was perfect. It would always remind me of my baby, and not focus on the sadness of the loss but the power of the Atonement that I felt through the whole process. 

When we got back to our apartment the Gardners had gotten me three beautiful bouquets and put them around and left a sweet note. There are very few things I love more than flowers so this was perfect.

As I have been home there have been people continuing to be angels as they have reached out to comfort me. I have felt God's love for me so strongly. I wouldn't ever wish this upon anyone but I am really grateful for it. I know that sounds weird, but I am. I have felt God's love and the enabling power of the Atonement so acutely. 

I know that God is our loving Heavenly Father and that He knows me. I know that He sometimes allows us to go through hard things because it helps us to become like Him. I know that this is an inspired church and I felt the power and support of it through this as so many helped me. 

the love story: FROM DATING TO COURTSHIP

Yours Truly:
Regardless of my hesitancy to kiss on our first date and to be exclusive I still wanted to see him a lot. That same week we went on two other dates. I can't say that I have the best memory of what exactly we did on every date from here on out... I'm sure Cole can tell you, but I know that one of them was him coming to play games with my family. That was interesting... I could tell he felt super nervous and I definitely didn't want my family to think it was anything serious so we acted like good friends. We had a good time. My family liked him, but he was being his super shy version of himself.

Cole:
After our first date, I knew things were going to go uphill from there! Although I knew that she didn't really love our first kiss, I knew that she secretly LOVED it and that she still wanted to date. I knew this because she invited me to come up to her house that week and play games with her family! I was beyond terrified of her family at the beginning though. I wasn't quite sure how to act though... They all had so many inside jokes and stories, I just didn't know where to pipe in! So I kind of kept to myself and laughed when appropriate. I really loved meeting her family though. I got to see a fun side of Annie that I had never seen before.


Yours Truly:
Again, unlike typical girls I can be bad with remembering dates and details, but at this point I found myself having an inner battle. I knew that I liked Cole, but I liked other people too. I also felt bad because I was just making him wait on hold kind of while I figured things out. (He said he was asking other girls on dates, but I never saw evidence of that.) I met his family and I really liked them and they made me feel very welcome. (Including his adorable grandpa calling me Cole's "girlfriend"... I felt a bit awkward about that.) His family wasn't very good at hiding how much Cole liked me so I was getting more and more worried that I was going to hurt him, but what I didn't realize was that more and more I just wanted to be with Cole. Even though I was excited about other dates and boys I always found myself gravitating to Cole. I couldn't help but call him and hang out with him and go on dates. And I couldn't get over what a good person he is. He really made me want to be better.

Cole:
Yeah... I didn't really date a lot of other girls once Annie was home. I went on a few dates during the Summer when she was still on the mission, but once she got home, that was it! It was fun for her to meet my family though. She straightened her hair and wore a pretty green dress. When my family met her, they all looked at me and gave me the thumbs up. My mom whispered "she is beautiful!" Good times.

Yours Truly:
Then came the date of all dates. It was the turning point for me. It was a very simple date. It was his mom's birthday so we made a very delicious cake for her, ate it with his family, and watched a movie. I know it may not seem like anything special, but for me it was. It felt like a snapshot into what real life with Cole would be like. We were laughing, talking, baking, visiting with his family, etc. Through all of that I just felt completely comfortable and happy. I remember actually thinking on that date, "I think this is exactly what everyday life with Cole would be like, and I like it." I felt so happy. I knew then that I wanted to date him. I wanted to make sure that I didn't just feel this way on a whim or that it was just that night so I didn't tell him that I wanted to exclusively date just yet.

Cole:
My mom's birthday was a really special date for us. During the whole process up to this point, I was just hoping that Annie would want to keep dating me and eventually get to the point where she only liked me. As for me, however, apparently I wasn't the hardest to get. But let's be real, it's not that difficult to love Annie. Who can blame me? That date was a really fun and memorable, but to her, it was a game changer. That's when she fell in love with me! (She tells me now). It made me happy to know that I didn't need to do anything extravagant or spend a lot of money for her to like me. She liked me because I knew how to have a good time by just being myself!

Yours Truly:
The rest of that weekend was good and we had a great time. Then on Monday we went with his family to a play at the Hale Theater in Orem. I felt so happy. Again, a simple date but I knew. I knew that I wanted to date him exclusively. I didn't have any desire to go out with anyone else. I felt so happy and excited so I finally told him after the play that I wanted to date him and only him. He was just a little excited. ;)

Cole:
The two or three days following this date were life changing. Annie really started to warm up to me and express MUCH more interest in me. After the Hale Theater on Monday night, Annie told me how much our date the previous Friday had meant to her and that she just wanted to go on dates with me. Wahoo!!!! I was so happy. This was the end of the single life as I knew it. I mustered up the courage and I said, "Annie... I think I'm falling in love with you." and she said, "Yeah, I think I'm falling in love with you too, Cole." Life was bliss.

Yours Truly:
Not too long after that I knew that I wanted to marry him. I couldn't stop thinking about it. Then, we went to the temple rededication of the Ogden Temple together and the whole time I was there I felt the strongest impression that this was who I wanted to marry. I knew it. I felt that that was something God was pleased with too, but I waited to pray about it until that night. When I prayed and told Heavenly Father the decision I had made and asked if He thought it was a good idea. I felt the most clear impression I have ever felt that this was the right thing to do.

Cole:
So I know that God really trusts me and my decision making, so when I really prayed to know if Annie was a good choice, I felt calm and confident the whole time. I never had an overwhelming answer that she was the "right" one, but I always knew that Annie was an excellent choice. As time goes on and on, I'm realizing how excellent she really is.

the love story: OUR FIRST DATE

Yours Truly:
I'd been home for about a week and a half and life was a bit insane. Cole and I had talked on the phone some and texted a bit (this seemed SUPER weird after being on a mission. I kept trying to tell my sister everything he was saying to me because it felt inappropriate to have a private conversation.) We planned to do something chill so we could get to know the non-missionary side of each other. I was really excited. I had been on several dates since I'd been home and they all were great guys, but Cole was one of the ones I was most excited about.

Cole:
Boy oh boy, I can honestly say that I was so excited all summer to finally go on a date with Annie. She wasn't really thinking about it because she was still on her mission, but I was so excited. A few weeks before she arrived home, I sent a message to Kevin and Michelle on Facebook discussing the best plan of action. Of course Kevin came up with something brilliant. It was a few days after she got home from her cabin, and I called the Tanner's home phone. As soon as Daken answered the phone, I said, "Does the goose fly at midnight?" and he responded, "Only in Nantuckett" At this moment, everyone in the home knew that I was calling. Daken gave the phone to Annie and we had a wonderful two hour conversation. It was so weird talking to her not as a missionary, but the conversation didn't feel awkward at all! We planned on going on a date the next Monday after I got home from Washington DC.

Yours Truly:
The day finally came and he came to my house to pick me up. It was so strange seeing him dressed in normal clothes and especially without a companion at his side. I couldn't help but notice that he was looking at me differently than he ever did while we were on our missions. Our first hug was a little weird because it was in front of my whole family, but not too bad. We went to cold stone first and had a great chat over ice cream. I think I said, "wow, this is weird" several times throughout the night.


Cole:
The day FINALLY came! Up to that point, I was SO excited. But then the dreaded drive up to Centerville was the longest drive of my entire life. My heart was pounding and I could feel myself breaking into a nervous sweat. My stomach began to turn and I felt a little bit queazy. I finally made it up to Centerville, but instead of going to the Tanner home, I went to Carls Jr. to use the restroom. I looked myself in the mirror, gave myself a little pep talk, and mustered up the courage to finally drive up. I said a little prayer in my heart and walked up to the front door, just to see Annie for the first time in regular human clothes looking as beautiful as ever. I was anticipating a really big hug straightaway and it would be the most magical thing in the world! But it wasn't. We kind of gave each other a little side hug and I was introduced to her lovely parents, ready to start a wonderful evening.


Yours Truly:
Then we went on a little hike/walk above the Bountiful temple. As we walked up the mountain he grabbed my hand. I was a little taken off guard. I hadn't been home very long and I wasn't sure how I felt about that, but I enjoyed it. When we got to the top we were having a great chat and we had such a good hug. Not awkward like our first. It made me feel all happy and excited inside. Hugging was something I really missed on my mission.

Cole:
We went to Cold Stone and had really naturally flowing, jovial conversation (which apparently she thought was awkward at first? what the?) But I could tell that she was happy, and I was having the time of my life. We drove up past the Bountiful Temple to enjoy the beautiful view. We got out of the car and began to walk up the hill behind the temple. For about two minutes, my heart was thumping and I just stared at her hand, then finally, yoink! I grabbed her hand! I was so proud of myself. Finally, when we got up the hill our magical hug finally happened. It was perfect! We hugged for probably an entire minute overlooking the sunset and Temple, pretty magical right?? I loved it.

Yours Truly:
Then we went to a park to go star gazing since we both love that. We were having a great chat and then we saw a shooting star. Immediately we both made a wish... to be honest I don't even remember what mine was, but then Cole was telling me to stand up. He got that look in his eye. Then he told me that kissing me was his wish and he kissed me. I remember him asking me if it was ok and I said yes. I didn't want to make it awkward. I liked him. I wanted to keep going on dates, but when I kiss I like it to mean that I am exclusively dating that person.

So fairly quickly I pulled away and explained that to him. He took it well. It lead to some great conversation. I liked him a lot after that date. I was very excited about what it could maybe bring. I wished we wouldn't have kissed, but it didn't scare me off. At all. And that's saying something for me because I normally would have run the other way. Especially, when I was so fresh off of my mission.

Cole:
Originally, I had never planned on kissing Annie our first date. I had been pressured jokingly by a few of my friends, but I really didn't plan on kissing her. We both expressed our love for star gazing, so we decided that would be a fun way to wrap up the night. We went to a park nearby her house and gazed at the stars. After a bit of time, I was feeling a righteous urge to kiss her, but I kept telling myself that it was too soon. As we were looking at the sky, however, God sent us a bright gleaming shooting star straight across the sky, which was a clear signal to me that I needed to kiss her. No witness until after the trial of your faith, right??? I told her to stand up, then I looked her in the eye and said, this is my wish, and I slowly went in and kissed her. Apparently, Annie thought that I ASKED her permission to kiss her??? Not my style. The kiss lasted probably about .8 seconds before she pulled away and while smiling said, "You punk! I don't kiss on the first date!" Ha. While feeling a little guilty and embarrassed inside, I was certain that she enjoyed it because of the way the night had already been going, even though she doesn't like to admit that. We established that we would only kiss when we were officially dating. We continued to talk and laugh and I felt strongly inside that Annie would be a great option for me to pursue.

the love story: HOW WE MET

Yours Truly:

The first day I met Cole I didn't even know his name was Cole. All I knew him by was Elder Gardner. It was my second day in Australia. I was extremely jet lagged, although I was in denial and I thought I was fine, wrong. I was feeling overly tired and a bit strange being a new place and my companion was sick to top it all off. I was FREEZING so I already had my pajamas on under my skirt and had a huge blanket wrapped around me.

Elder Gardner and Elder Jordan were my first zone leaders. They came to welcome me to the zone and say hello. They are both very enthusiastic people... I was a bit overwhelmed... I thought to myself, "Wow, these Elders are waaaay too peppy for my taste." Again, I was jet lagged and easily irritated. It ended up being one of my favorite things about their companionship.

Cole:

I remember the first time I met Sister Tanner! Not because anything special happened. There were no sparks or anything even remotely close to that. I was a young Zone Leader and more into my mission than ever at that point, being completely focused on the Lord and His work. Elder Jordan and I were excited to have another sister in our Zone, because sisters typically have a strong work ethic and bring a strong fire into missionary work. Let me tell you, Sister Tanner did just that! She and Sister Vinck were some of the hardest working missionaries in our zone and we loved being able to work closely with them. At this point, I felt no real attraction to Sister Tanner, although she was beautiful.

My first transfer in Australia with Elder Gardner

Yours Truly:

I quickly grew to love (in a friendly way) both of these Elders. My companion and I were both brand new missionaries and we really didn't know what we were doing, so essentially they trained us. I think we called them with at least one question everyday. They were SO patient and kind to us. All four of us became fast friends and I didn't think much of it. 

I always stayed good friends with both of them. They were assistants together as well and I had the opportunity to serve in places and positions that caused us to see them quite a bit and I got to know Elders Jordan and Gardner very well. I always knew that they were outstanding Elders and I was very excited that we could all be friends at BYU. 

I noticed quickly that Elder Gardner and I got along really well. He was a great leader to me. He was kind, fun, and thoughtful. The more I got to know him the more I realized how GOOD he is. Cole is just good to the core.

Cole:

As my mission went on, I continued to get to know Sister Tanner on more of a missionary level, but as a friend as well. The more I got to know her as a friend, the more attracted I became to her, and therefore, the further I wanted to stay away from her! I prayed and fasted multiple times that I would be able to stay focused and do the Lord's work with a clear mind. I sincerely did my very best to never ever flirt with her and to only speak to her like two missionaries do with each other.

Yours Truly:

Cole finished his mission 3 months before I did and when he went home he left a letter for me. It was very appropriate and kind. He told me that he loved serving around me and hoped we could write until I got home. We did. 

We started writing every week. I noticed that he would wait up until quite late (his time) so that he could get my email before he went to sleep. I found myself greatly anticipating his emails and seeing him in a less "missionary-type" way. I loved the advice he gave me and he helped me to push hard until the end of my mission.

Cole:

When I finished my last transfer, I decided that I would write her a letter telling her how grateful I was for her example of faith and hard work. She really was such an incredible missionary. I always looked up to her as one of the most obedient sisters in the mission. As I worked hard the summer I got home in Washington DC, I would look forward to emails from her every Sunday night. We wrote more as friends, but I still encouraged her to remain faithful and stay focused to the end, which I had no question that she would anyways.