Oh
what a week it has been! It started out as a fairly normal week. We went on
exchanges and I went to Thornlie, which was fun, but when I came back
Sister T told me that they went to teach Dolly and she told them that she had a
problem with tithing. They apparently had a pretty bad lesson with her because
her friend was there. Tithing was the thing that stopped Gennie in Halls Head
from getting baptized so it brought back all of these painful memories. I started
to get really nervous, but as I prayed before I studied for her I remembered 2
Timothy 1:7;
"For God
hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound
mind."
I
realized that the feelings of fear were from Satan and that I needed to rely on
Christ. I felt peace as we went to teach her. We taught well and by the Spirit.
By the end she was feeling better about tithing but then she said she couldn't
come to church. She had to come this Sunday and the next in order to be baptized
on the 3rd. I was so sad. We had to push her date back, which is always a
little nerve racking because you don't want investigators to think it's ok to
just keep pushing it back. But I was trying really hard to rely on God more. So
I accepted it.
We had
a lesson with Haylee Saturday evening and she was excited to come to church and
even telling everyone in her family that they needed to come. I felt so blessed
to have her because it helped ease the pain of Dolly’s situation.
Then
Sunday morning came, Haylee's grandma came, but she didn't. That meant that her
date would have to be pushed back too. There were some family issues and she
was tired from not getting much sleep so she didn't come. I was heart broken. I
sat there as church was about to begin and I wanted to cry.
All of
my old doubts and insecurities came creeping back. “What is wrong with me?” “Why
is it that I keep having investigators fall through?” “What was I doing wrong?”
“How come other people got to teach investigators who got baptized?” Then I
remembered all of the experiences I've had in the past and how much I have
learned from all of them. I knew I needed to change my attitude, so I prayed
and asked God to help me know what I was supposed to learn from this. If there
was something I needed to change, I wanted to change it, but I really wanted to
know what I was supposed to learn.
I had
two experiences that helped me overcome this. One was during one of the talks
at church. This mum, who has an autistic son, said that they had races at school
and he came in last, by FAR. She said he came up to her and asked if he was
broken. I realized that's how I felt. I was asking my Heavenly Father if I was
broken.
She
then talked about how as a mother this broke her heart. I thought how Heavenly
Father must feel as I ask the same question. He feels my pain. He doesn't want
me to think that way because He sees me like this boys mum does, for my efforts
not for my shortcomings.
She
then went on to say that the next year in the race they gave him a huge head
start. He still was going to loose to one boy who is very fast, but instead of
winning this boy slowed down and they crossed the finish line together. Then
her son struggled to get up to the podium and this boy helped him up and they
stood up there, arm in arm, together. It was a victory for both.
That
is how it is with Jesus Christ. To start off with He gives me the biggest head
start of all, but then even still it's only because of Him that I cross the
finish line and then whenever I do see "success" I know that it's
only with Him that I got there. We stand together, arm in arm because that's
how we got there.
The
other was as I just opened my scriptures and turned to John 15. The first verse
I saw was verse 5 that says, "without me ye can do nothing."
I felt so clearly that I needed to stop thinking about what I was doing because
I was doing my best. I know that I have been giving my all and now I just need
to rely on Christ. I try to do too much on my own and I rely on my own wisdom
and abilities, but I was reminded again that I need to rely on Christ.
All of
John 15 really touched me and I wish I could give you a verse by verse break
down of what I felt with each verse because each had such poignant and personal
meaning to me and my situation.
One
that I would like to share is verses 1-2. It talks about how Christ is the
vine. That is one of my favorite titles of Christ because He is the thing that
makes us anything. Without a vine a branch is completely useless. As a
missionary, no effort that I make on my own is worth anything. It's when I do
it with the spirit that it means something and changes people.
Then
it goes on to talk about how when branches bear fruit that He "purgeth
it, that it may bring forth more fruit." I felt like these verses
were written just for me. It was as if Christ were saying to me, "Sister
Tanner, why do you keep trying to do this on your own? I am the vine. I am what
gives you the strength and sanctifies your offering. So what does it matter to
you if you are being purged at the moment? I know what I'm doing. I am going to
help you produce even more fruit and I'm doing this because I love you. It may
hurt now, but it's for the better. Trust me."
I felt
an overwhelming love from Him. I just want to trust Him and rely on Him. I may
not have the blessing that some missionaries get of having a lot of
"success" but it's because God knows exactly what He is doing with
me. He's preparing me to be able to bear even more fruit. I don't know what
that means. It may not come until I'm a mother but I know I'm being prepared
for greater things. God has made that clear to me again and again. I know that
the hurt I've felt is absolutely essential for my growth and development. It
doesn't mean I'm doing anything wrong, but rather that God loves me enough to
test me and I'm so grateful.
As I
have reflected on my mission today I realized how much I have grown because of
my experiences. I wouldn't trade them for the world. They have refined me.
Something
President Lindsay always says is "As we act in faith and obedience God is
with us in the work." I know this is true. He doesn't say that then we get
baptisms, but that God is with us. I know it's true because I have felt it. God
has been with me. I felt it so strongly today. He is watching out for me. He
has my eternal progression in mind and I'm so thankful for that. He knows me
better and is perfectly mindful of me.
Now
please don't get me wrong as many often do when I talk about experiences like
this. While I might have been hard on myself for a minute there I changed over
quickly. Of course I still struggle with being too hard on myself, I practiced
doing that my whole life, but I have changed so much. I am able to recognize it
and stop it by praying for help.
I think
hurting is good. Hurting is an opportunity to remember and rely on the Lord. I
don't tell you any of this to make you feel sorry for me, but in order to help
you see how grateful I am for God and for the refiner's fire that He so loving
puts me through, but holds my hand throughout the whole process.
I love
you all so much. I am so thankful to be on a mission at this Christmas time. I
have never felt the joy of Christmas so acutely. I want to change the way I
celebrate the Christmas season for the rest of my life. Making it so much less
about the perfect gifts, or me but helping others have the best gift, which is
my heart. I know it's the best gift because that's what I have received this
year from all of you and from countless others here in Perth.
Especailly
Sister T, I could not be more thankful to be with anyone else on my Christmas
away from home. She is incredible. We have become so close. We have experienced
so much heartache and so much joy together and she has become one of my closest
and dearest friends. Some things are meant to be, and this is one of them.
I love
you all. Merry Christmas. I hope it's a beautiful day and I cannot wait to see
you all! Best. Christmas. Present. Ever.
Heaps
and heaps of love,
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