HIS divine purposes, not mine.

Being home from a mission for two months now has proved to be an interesting time in my life. I have been so blessed and happy, but there has also been some stressors involved. I know that for me it was right to come home a bit early so that I could start school right away. It felt great to jump right into an awesome job and a full schedule with lots of challenging classes. I still love all of my classes but sometime I feel like I can't quite catch my breath. I'm happy, but at the same time I feel like I'm drowning.

This past week was one of those weeks. I've had a lot of good and exciting things happening in my life, but professors at BYU don't schedule "big life decision" into the syllabus. I'm also taking a lot of classes that aren't in my comfort zone of school. I absolutely LOVE what I'm learning, but that doesn't mean I can always do well on the test... In fact, tests this semester have proved to be more frustrating than ever before.

This week I had a lot of things to do and a lot of tests to take and study for. I thought I would get one of the easy tests out of the way so I could have more time to study for my more challenging classes. I studied as much as I could and took it. I felt pretty good about it, but it was different than I had expected. I thought I would still do ok.... nope. It was fine, but not for how easy of a test it should have been. I mean this should have been a 100%. Let me tell you, it wasn't.

I went home feeling discouraged. I had a blessing at the beginning of the school year from my dad that made it sound like I would do well in school this semester. This isn't exactly what I would consider "doing well." (I thought I'd learned my lesson in trying to decide exactly what God means in my blessings.) I also have the stress of not being accepted into my major yet, so therefore, I need good grades to get in.

Sooooo all of this lead me to call my mum and my sister. They're both always really good to listen and talking me through it. They helped give me some great council, but the thing I wanted more than anything was a father's blessing. It wasn't an option because my dad and mum were out of town for the weekend.

I knew I could pray so I did that. I knelt down and poured my heart out to my Heavenly Father. The tears were flowing and as I prayed I felt His love. I also felt an impression to listen to my father's blessing from the beginning of the year (I always record them on my phone.) As I listened to it at first I was just frustrated because it was saying all the things I didn't feel were happening. Then, there was a part of the blessing that I don't think I had ever really heard before. Heavenly Father told me that there would be changes in my life, but that I would feel peace and that He would quickly reach out to me and bless me and He would be with me.

I felt His love surround me. I felt a very clear impression that Heavenly Father didn't say that at the beginning of the year for me to feel comfort then, but that He said that then knowing that what I would want most right at that instant would be a father's blessing. He knew it wouldn't be possible so He gave me a piece of, what I believe was, what I would have heard if I had gotten a father's blessing that very day. It is incredible to me that God loves me so much that He thinks of all the details. He knows it all and has made plans to help us all along the way.

It didn't stop there either. That night when I came home my beautiful roommate Faith (who had overheard my phone conversations and crying) gave me one of the most inspired and beautiful letters I have ever received. I knew again that God was watching out for me. There were things that she said that put my mind at ease like nothing else could. I feel so blessed to have such a fabulous and inspired roommate who could be an answer to my prayers.

Then it didn't even stop there. The next morning I was doing my gospel studies and I was watching a Mormon Message called Daily Bread: Experience and it was just what I needed to hear. Elder Christofferson says,

"Though I suffered then, as I look back now, I am grateful that there was not a quick solution to my problem. The fact that I was forced to turn to God for help almost daily over an extended period of years taught me truly how to pray and get answers to prayer and taught me in a very practical way to have faith in God. I came to know my Savior and my Heavenly Father in a way and to a degree that might not have happened otherwise or that might have taken me much longer to achieve."

I have felt that, especially with school. School has never come easy to me. I have always had to work hard and even then, I still don't get the grades that some people do to whom it just comes naturally. It can be frustrating and challenging, but I don't mind because it's teaching me to rely on God. I could never even pretend for a minute that any success that I have, especially in school, is because of me. When I do well, it's a gift from God and it's through His goodness that He has blessed me to do well because it fits into His divine purposes.

This doesn't mean that I don't have to work hard and do my part. What it really means is that I am going to work hard and do my part even if it doesn't result in the miracle of a good test score or ultimately getting into my program. I know that when I do my part it doesn't guarantee the results that I want, but that it always results in what HE knows is best for my eternal progression and when it really comes down to it, that's what I care about.

I'm thankful for a loving Heavenly Father that cares about me enough to let me have these challenges because they help me to rely on Him and whenever we do that we can't help but become more like Him and that's the ultimate goal.