letter.three 04.03.2013

What a week! Missionary work is seriously the best thing EVER! I hope you all realize that you are literally getting a small taste of everything that is happening. I would have to write for hours to say all of the wonderful things that are happening.

Also, they told us that they turned our names in for temporary reassignment and we should know what those are tomorrow so we should be able to call or email that info tomorrow. I would guess that we will leave on Monday. They said if our visas come before we leave to our temp mission that they will send us to Australia instead and our visas could come any day so PRAY HARD! But whatever is right will happen and I know God knows much better than I do. Plus, I didn't come on my mission to do what I wanted to do. I want to be able to say that "I have suffered the will of the Father from the beginning." So if that means going to Montana for a while, so be it! :)

Mom got a call from Sister Tanner yesterday, she is heading to a temporary assignment in Kennewick,Washington on Tuesday unless her visa comes before then.

So here are some highlights:

Zone teaching with Brother Elton we talked about how to help motivate people to progress is to change their vision of what they can become. He read us a quote by Elder Oakes that says, "When we have a vision of what we can become, our desire and power to act increase enormously." Man! How true that is. Sometimes I forget that it's not enough for ME to see my investigators as they can become. That's the first step, but I have to help THEM see what they can become. He gave the example for Les Miserables of the Bishop finally showing Valjean who he really could become and that's when he actually felt motivated to change. I think it's actually very similar to mom's "water what you want to have grow." If they never know their potential, they'll never try to get there.

On Thursday we watched a video by Elder Holland that talked about how when we are with investigators that the Spirit should be so strong that the earth is almost trembling. I watched that and I knew that's what I wanted for my investigators. I was trying to do everything in my power to have that kind of lesson. I was praying my guts out and studying and trying to follow the Spirit. Then we went into our lesson and I was trying to listen to the Spirit and I was praying for that and it didn't come. It was still a good lesson but I felt like everything I said was meh. My companions were on fire though. They were saying powerful things! I was glad the lesson went well but I was so frustrated that I had been praying so hard to do the right thing but then it felt like I couldn't do it. I felt like it would have been better if I had just kept my mouth shut. So we go back into class and eventually when Brother Dickey (who was playing Fred, our investigator) came back in he demonstrated a lesson. I felt the Spirit so strongly. I felt that feeling, but honestly it just made me feel worse because I felt like I could never do that. My companions could and Brother Dickey could, but clearly I was just not good enough. So naturally, I started crying. It's embarrassing that I have literally turned into a water fountain here. My poor district ha! So Brother Dickey asked me what was wrong and I told him how frustrated I was and everything that had happened. He told me that maybe why I wasn't feeling that was because I was like a fish in water. They don't know they are in water because they are always in it. He said he felt like I always was speaking by the Spirit so maybe it was harder for me to recognize. I still wasn't sure about that though.

Then he told me that maybe part of the reason God was waiting to help me have that experience was for my investigators, so I could relate to them. Then he had me watch "Trust in the Lord" by Elder Scott. It was perfect. I felt so strongly that it wasn't because I was doing anything bad that I hadn't had that experience. It was because Heavenly Father wanted to refine me. Turns our refining is super painful.... but worth it. Then I realized how much Fred (our investigator) really had the same problem and how now I could relate to him. I also felt God tell me that this would be important for me to relate to a LOT of future investigators. It reminded me of a blessing given to me by Scott before I left telling me that some of the hard things I was going through were because God wanted to bring me further on the path of perfection and so I could relate to others. I was feeling a lot better.

Then the next day we studied hard for our next lesson with Fred. I felt like we should sing for him. We decided on the first and last verse of "I Believe in Christ." We put a lot of effort into it so that our lesson would be great and so that the song would sound good too, with Heavenly Father's help because Sister Benjamin and I were still a little sick. Then we went to our lesson and we sang. It happened. The Elder Holland moment I had been waiting for. We were all bawling. I felt the Spirit so strongly testifying of the truth of the words, but more importantly, FRED felt the Spirit. He told us the parts that stood out to him. He always talked about how it all sounded too good to be true. But when we sang about how from Christ we can "gain our fondest dream," he said he felt like it really was possible. He also loved when it said, "And while I strive through grief and pain, his voice is heard, 'ye shall obtain!'" He said it felt like he really would be able to be with his wife again. The Spirit helped him see who he really could become. He basically committed himself to baptism! He asked us what he needed to do to gain his fondest dream. It was such an amazing experience. Then I was able to tell him about my experience with wanting an answer from God and how I had to wait but then it did finally come and it came at the best time for me and for all involved. I was able to help him see that the wait doesn't mean that God doesn't care about us, it's because he DOES care about us so deeply. He knows what's best.

Then I was able to see in my mind Fred and his wife(who died from cancer) in the Celestial Kingdom holding hands, eternally happy. I was able to testify of who he really could become. I felt so overwhelmed with the Spirit. I'm glad that God had me wait. It made the experience all the more special. I don't know why I keep thinking that I know better. Someday I'll learn my lesson. :)

Easter was amazing here. It was fast Sunday, which was really neat. I was fasting for a lot of things, but one of those things was that I would be able to have a better knowledge and understanding of the Easter story. I was fasting for a really good experience with it that day. Then in our big combined sacrament meeting (the whole MTC) Bishop Causse talked about how we can get that by our study of it. Then we watched Bruce R. McConkie's last talk about the Atonement and he said that we could have a perfect knowledge of it (the Atonement) just as he did if we studied it. I knew God was telling me that I could have that experience I wanted but I had to put in the time and effort and not just expect to get it from a devotional. But God also let me know how happy He was with how far I had already come in my knowledge of the Atonement. But I can learn more. I loved when Elder McConkie said that when he kneels at the Savior's feet and touches the wounds he will not know any better than he knows now that He is the Savior. Wow. I don't think I'm there yet, but I am definitely on my way there. It may take awhile but I'm determined to get there.

Funny moment from Easter. (ps I do have a lot of hilarious moments I just feel like they aren't as cool as the spiritual moments so I forget to write about them, but don't worry I'm laughing my head off and having fun all the time!) So we were in that huge sacrament meeting, so cool, and I was SOOO tired. Common theme for me here. So eventually I have to rest my head in my hands a bit because it was just too painful. Next thing I know my head hit the Elder in front of me back. BAHAHAHA soooo funny! I was dying. Who does that!? Like, oh yeah, no big deal, I just head butted someone during sacrament meeting.... ha I need to learn how to be able to fall asleep more quickly at night so I'm not so tired every day. But don't worry it didn't take away from the Spirit too much and then I was WIDE awake.

Also, Easter evening Sherri Dew came and talked and it was seriously amazing. Hopefully Sister Benjamin is sharing some of what she said because I am running out of time. But it was AWESOME!

Brother Dickey took us on a "picture walk" on Monday during class. The main building of the MTC has TONS of pictures of Christ in it so he had us be completely silent and ask God a question and then write down in our notebooks what He told us and we looked at pictures of Christ. It was one of the most beautiful experiences of my life. Honestly, some of the things God told me on that walk are as sacred and special to me as my patriarchal blessing. One of my questions was how I could be more Christ-like when I have such a strong and often difficult personality. I have been trying really hard but right before that, some people were kind of telling me that I still wasn't very good about it. I was feeling really discouraged. So I was pleading with God to tell me how to master my personality. As I walked I saw a picture of Christ turning the tables over at the temple. God told me that Christ had a strong personality too. He was bold and He did have righteous anger. I have the personality I have for a reason and it is a wonderful personality. God wants me to be bold and strong. Yes, I do need to work on the faults that come along with my personality and I have a long way to go before I'm like my Savior, but God also helped me see how far I really have come.

Another discouraging moment. We had been talking about "teaching people, not lessons" and I felt like my companions and I were doing pretty well with this. But then our teachers started talking about how you still have to teach the doctrine because that's what changes people. So my companions and I planned a doctrinal lesson for Fred. We tried to still make it for Fred though so it would still be teaching a person. We felt very prepared. Then when we went in our lesson took a whole different turn because the Spirit led us in that direction. He prayed with us and then we had him listen for what God would say to him after he prayed. It was amazing! He literally communicated with God and he knew it was from God. God told him some very specific things that he needed to hear. It was awesome but we didn't get to teach any of the doctrine we had planned really. So then Brother Dickey came to class and was telling us all how we all need to remember to teach doctrine. I was SO frustrated. I didn't feel like I knew how to teach doctrine and people! Brother Dickey, who's a mind reader, could tell that I was frustrated. So he talked to me and I told him why I felt so frustrated. He tried to help me see that because we followed the Spirit that was the right thing and how Fred learned the doctrines from GOD instead of us which is how it should be! But.... I was still feeling frustrated. I thought he was just telling me that to make me not feel bad because he's a nice person. But then we went to dinner and by the end of dinner and talking with my companions I realized that we really did have a good lesson and doctrine was taught. When we got back Brother Dickey had written me one of the kindest notes I had ever received about the missionary that he saw me as. He compared me the sons of Mosiah and Paul and Jacob. Honestly, he was probably a little too nice but it was so nice to hear that someone didn't think I was making a complete fool out of myself. He also told me that Satan wants me to become discouraged because that's how he can try to weaken my faith. I have felt that so much here. Satan knows he can't get me to go home, but he can tempt me to think poorly of myself. The punk. I fall for the trap WAY too often. But I am determined to keep doing better!

Lastly, in the devotional last night the speaker talked about how Nephi went to get the plates BEFORE he went to get a wife. He needed that foundation before he could do the most important thing. God let me know that that was absolutely true for me. God has told me time and time again that he has great things in store for me in my future and that because of that I need to prepare. He told me again last night that I would not be able to endure the things that are in my future without a mission.; because missions are a fantastic family preparation. He told me that in order for me to raise the valiant children that He needs in the last days I need to be a missionary so I can learn how to not just teach them, but to help them become disciples of Christ. I know that's not true for all girls, but honestly, for me, I can't imagine being a mother without this kind of experience.

I LOVE BEING A MISSIONARY!!! So hard! but sooo good! I know I say that every time, but it's true every day of the mission! Nothing could make me happier right now that to be on a mission. I wish it WAS RIGHT FOR EVERYONE! It's so awesome!